When do you say "I love you"?

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I've been on a few dates with my girlfriend, and I've grown really attached to her. The past couple times we've met up, I've tried saying that I love her, but she always gets really embarrassed and won't say it back. Probably the one thing I hear most about love is that it's a decision, not a feeling, so I figure if I've decided to love her, than it's legit-- right? But I guess she still thinks we haven't been dating long enough to say/feel that way. So what do you guys think? When is it appropriate to decide that you love someone, and when it is appropriate to tell them that?

I've been thinking about love lately. I can only think of two words that have a broader and more diverse set of definitions than the word "love:" the word "liberal" and the word "conservative."

Love has actually been trouble for me, because I tend to love women who treat me badly, and I do not develop feelings of love for women who treat me well.

I'm not sure that love is a choice, or an action, or a feeling. I'm not actually sure what it is.

But I do think that it's too soon to tell her that you love her if you've only been on a few dates. You don't really know yet if you love her, in my opinion. And if nothing else, if you drop the bomb on her now, you have nowhere else to go emotionally because you've already played your whole hand. Give it some time to build to a more of a climax.

Love is a decision and an action. That feeling you get is an attraction and/or emotional attachment. If you don't DO something about your feeeeeelings, then your emotions are meaningless.

Think about all the times you hear about marrieds getting divorced. They always say "I just don't love him/her anymore." Why not? You vowed to love each other until death. Do people seriously believe that they can keep those butterflies in their tummies for life? If you eat butterflies, they will eventually die, your stomach will digest them, and they'll end up in the toilet along with everything else you think tastes good.

No, for love to work, love has to WORK.

There's a country song about a guy who feels weird about saying "the words." He tells her that just because they go unsaid doesn't mean they go undone.

The late, great Stephen Covey told a story about a guy he counseled who claimed he didn't love his wife anymore. He advised him to love her, i.e. take care of her and do what he always did when he still felt that way about her. Because love is more than just an emotion. They got married for a reason, so the answer to the man's problem was to keep going the way they'd always done. Emotions change. Your decisions don't have to. Every morning you wake up, you renew the decision to love someone...or not.

Wait 2-3 months.

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

Every night when I snuggle up to my pillow pretending its my gf.

Okay, well, she just broke up with me, so... never mind I guess.

That was... quick. Was she the same oversilent girl?

See? It was good you didn't tell her quickly.

I think you should do you and just say it. If she doesn't, then it is the way she is. If you are pressing the issue, and still no response then perhaps the person is not ready to talk about it because of some unknown fear or the person just isn't sure about how they feel and have some concerns. What ever the reason is, don't stop communicating and perhaps it is something on her side where she needs to grow and learn to communicate as well. As they say, communication is the most important thing in a relationship. If you aren't communicating and withholding how you feel about someone then how can you expect someone else to do the same?

So this is how I see it, we might be Aspies, but just because they are NTs, doesn't mean they automatically also know to do things and also need to learn how to communicate and be in a good and healthy relationship. We, as in AS and NT need to learn when to walk away, amicably. But for our own decision, not because of what we think is best for the other person.

*pat*
Feel better soon.

No, it was someone different. This girl actually made first contact with me, if you can believe it (I have a hard time believing it myself). She was a lot more open and friendly than my last gf. And then yesterday, right out of the blue, I get a text from her saying she's "going to be that person" and we need to break up. She says it's nothing about me, her life is just too crazy and it's "[her] fault for ever thinking [she] could be in a relationship." So yeah, that's that I guess.



I'm honestly not that broken up about it. I was a little depressed yesterday, but I'm over it now. I don't think I'm going to try this again, though. I'm better off by myself.

What suddenly happens to their minds?

I disagree with the idea that you "decide" to love someone. The way I see it, that's the equivalent of settling for something less than what you deserve. I'm more for the idea of growing fond enough of someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. But then, I've only been in love once, so who am I to argue?

Either way, to actually answer your question, I think a good time to say it is once you're sure it's love and you muster up the courage to confess, at the obvious risk of rejection.

No, it is not. Love is first an infatuation, and later an attachment you build from the infatuation. Anything else is a business relationship, an arranged marriage or whatever.



Strange argument. Emotions are the primary players in relationships, and decisions and talk are just "addons" or reinforcements that really don't mean anything.



If you do it right, the "butterflies" (infatuation) turns into attachment. If the attachment is not there, things will fall apart regardless of what you vowed.



I don't think that is accurate. Emotions can change decisions, but decisions never change emotions. Thus, the stable basis of love is emotions, not decisions.

It's worth trying again, though. That's why I insist on not being attached to any one person, at least not right away. You seem to be handling it well. Give it another 3 weeks or so and get back in the saddle. You'll be fine.

Not that this is really helpful, and you probably think I'm just stating the obvious, but your girl is a liar. Maybe things are crazy for her, but the thing about relationships is you can weather anything IAR if it really means something to you. She didn't dump you because her life is crazy. She dumped you because she's not into you.

I hate when people do that, because I instinctively go into fix-it mode. What do you mean your life is crazy? Here, let me help. Talk to me about it and let's see what we can do together. Doesn't mean we have to break up. Except it DOES, because she wants it that way. Next thing you know, she's "officially" with that guy she was hanging out with two weeks before you broke up who was "just a friend," and plastering "I love (name)" all over social media.

I've just learned to accept it as "girl code." You don't owe me an explanation, I'm not going to ask for one, maybe we'll hang out sometime, maybe we won't. It's over and that's that.

And they'll get funny about it, too. I remember a gf once who at one point started avoiding me and making excuses. I asked her point-blank if she was breaking up with me and she said yes. Not long after that she was claiming I broke up with her. Um...what?! If you need to leave, fine. I can be friends with you. Lie to me and I'm putting you on my ghost list.

My suggestion is cut her completely out of your life. Liars aren't worth your time, not even as "just friends."

I don't believe we have any fundamental disagreement here, I just think we're operating under completely separate definitions and assumptions. Of course attachments are healthy within certain contexts. The problem with emotions is that they are fickle, so decisions based purely on emotion are shaky. The handsome guy with a charismatic personality and flawlessly chivalric manners is a narcissistic abuser whose previous wife died suddenly in a "freak accident descending the stairs." Emotions say go for it, ignore the haters and naysayers. Reason says the guy is a creep.

The decision to love someone is separate from the emotions that influence it. Love for someone (emotional) is evidenced by what a person actually does in response, which is entirely a decision. Doing laundry, dishes, putting kids to bed, and all sorts of shared responsibility performed consistently along with surprises which are not are all evidence that someone desires someone enough to incentivize staying together. Even if the other person claims unconditional love, there is still the desire to do SOMETHING even in the absence of need. One may decide to translate love into action or not. However, love without action is meaningless. It reduces women to housekeepers and rags for male gratification, and men to sources of money and sperm. Anything beyond that rests on the decisions of couples to make the relationship richer and more meaningful, or more substantial at least than mere reproductive servants.