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Hi,
Have been lurking for a few days, answering questions for myself and reading more about everyone's lives and challenges. I believe that I have at long last discovered the reason I've always felt different than the rest.

One of our sons has shown some symptoms of autism, and that is how I first eradicated my mental stereotype of autistic people as 'Rain Man'. Along the way with doctors and counselors we saw on his behalf, I would often tell myself 'that sounds like me too' but chalked it up to my moderate obsession with understanding myself and again always feeling a bit different.

Well last week I thought perhaps I had figured it out - ADHD. Would explain why someone as smart as me (early reader/high achiever on standardized tests, 'little professor', etc.) couldn't ever manage homework, financial planning/budgeting, very easily distracted, tend to zone out, etc. But that wouldn't necessarily account for my pervasive difficulty with understanding and expressing emotion, interacting freely and openly with people, and preference for being alone despite having a wonderful wife and two great kids.

Anyway, I started wondering about Asperger's/autism and educated myself about how that might look in adults and across the life course. Found Cynthia Kim's wonderful blog, so much of it made sense and again sounded like me. Found this forum through googling various questions I had about myself in light of these revelatory discoveries. Took two online 'diagnostics': the ASQ and the Aspie Quiz (led to those by reading posts here and on Cynthia's blog). On last Thursday I recorded scores of 39/50 on ASQ and 145/200 (Aspie)/ 83/200 (NT). Wow. It started to dawn on me that maybe everybody doesn't have a pocket full of masks they change to make it through various situations (and still often fail).

Wondered if I was self-selecting to 'explain' myself as different (false positive in other words). Spent the weekend obsessing about this and watched two docs about autism which more than once made me tear up at recognizing myself in the subjects. Bought Attwood's 'Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' on Sunday and read it through by last night. Once again, so much of it makes sense. Started to think about my life and my proclivities/'quirks' in a totally new light.

So yesterday I retook both diagnostics: 42/50 and 145/200 / 78/200.

It makes all the sense in the world, and no sense at all at the same time. Always felt different/unique/on a special plane so to speak, but I've also accomplished a lot academically and professionally. And get by fairly well in a lot of social contexts (although I'm typically worn out afterwards, and definitely don't seek socializing in large groups).

I desperately want to speak to a professional and/or Asperger's people for their feedback but haven't at this point. So I throw this scattered mess of a post out to you with a couple of questions please:
--are there others who, later in life and despite plenty of the evidence to the contrary, had a similar epiphany/self-discovery like I seem to have had?
--how do you continue your 'normal' life in light of this reality-smashing discovery?

I appreciate any/all feedback and encouragement that can be offered. I'm scared about what the future might hold if my suspicions are proven true but also hopeful that I've figured things out. Thanks so much for reading

Hi and welcome. I can totally relate to your history. Here are my suggestions.

Don't self-diagnose. I really recommend you to seek for assessment from a professional, in fact I would rely on the diagnosis of two to three different professionals. You don't seem in need of psychiatric drugs so (unless there's more to what you've just told us) refuse to take any medication unless it really makes sense to you.

Asperger's is a research in progress as you might have read in Attwood's book, all we know about high-functional ASD is there's no cure at the moment and that its diagnosis is purely clinical by means of questions etc. There are no lab tests. Therefore there's no real way to identify an individual as Asperger's with 100% certainty. No matter you are on the spectrum or not, you'll still live with yourself the way you are for the rest of your life. That's who you are and nothing can change that... remember, there's no cure for ASD. It isn't even considered a disease by many.

Maybe there are some problems from you reading all those books and internet information prior to the official diagnosis. You know so much about ASD by now that you could end spoiling your assessment by answering questions in a way that your diagnosis fits the profile. If you take a look around in this forum, you'll see that there are many people who simply really want to fit the Asperger's profile because it makes sense to them but whenever they seek for professional help, the hypothesis of ASD is discarded time after time. This makes them anxious so they can't stop thinking "what's the problem then? what is it that I have?" and keep coming to this forum asking the most unbelievable odd things, adding "so what do you think? is this an autistic thing?". That's not what I think you should do.

You shouldn't be afraid of the future after being suspicious of ASD. You've gone this far without knowing it. Forget about Asperger's for one minute, think you've never heard of it. Would it matter if you were that same person but physically challenged somehow? It doesn't matter whether you are on the spectrum or not. Besides, you have wife and kids. Don't they love you?

Anyway, there are many people around who'll be eager to kindly offer advice. Take every advice with a pinch of salt, including mine. Despite all the good intentions you'll be taking advice from people who really can be on the autistic spectrum. Some of us are very detached from reality, not that good with dealing with other people and advice comes from a very "unique" perspective that may not be suitable for anyone else on Earth.

Thanks, I appreciate the encouragement and the suggestions. I certainly intend to speak to a professional, not sure if finances would allow for 2-3 opinions.

I understand your comments about self-diagnosis and selection bias, 100%. I can basically follow my life course through reading Attwood, however, and while acknowledging that isn't conclusive (and nothing REALLY is in this area, I suppose) feel quite assured.

Regarding the psychiatric med, I do take a small dose of sertraline, started about 6 weeks ago. It's both helped my mood and given me the ability to accept that I might just be different - not the psychopath and life-wrecker I've felt myself to be for many years.

Had a similar experience about two years ago: major depressive episode (3 mos off work) and therapy/meds made me realize that the physical environment at work was draining all my energy leaving none left for the actual work. Foolishly I stopped taking the meds and things eventually degraded again with my quality of life (and probably that of my loved ones too).

Is there a thread between taking antidepressant and people self-identifying as Asperger's persons? Why did you say what you did about not taking medication?

You're most welcome, any time. Feel free to PM as well.

You don't need three experts at once. Find one good professional and rely firmly on his diagnosis whatever it is. Years later find yourself another and see if their opinions align. If their opinions are conflicting, find a third expert. If all opinions are conflicting, don't speak to a fourth professional, it's useless, in this case you're allowed to stick to whatever you think makes sense.



I've taken Sertraline for a while as well. Helped me a lot! I couldn't barely move during those days. Three months barely moving. Even opening up my mouth to speak annoyed me to no end.



Again, you sound a lot like me. I'm sorry for all you've been through, been there wearing that same shirt.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was, say, 17yo and for about three decades I thought it was just that. Then I had a major depressive episode. The psychiatrist prescribed a wrong medication and everything went worse. A new psychiatrist prescribed the right medication and I started to slowly recover. Meanwhile, as I was under therapy, the psychologist found out that I am on the spectrum and for a year or so, I totally disregarded her opinion. Partly because my then girlfriend totally opposed the idea (out of utter jealousy and nothing else, because my psychologist was a hot, blue-eyed, tall blonde).

Time passes and I was talking to my sister one day about that diagnosis. She's an educator with a degree on teaching special people. Autists, visually impaired and so on. To my surprise she says: "you should seek a second, no wait, a third opinion because I really, really think you could be on the spectrum because of this and this and that". That's what I did. To cut it short, my depression is a co-morbidity. Asperger's is said to walk along with an ample array of co-morbidities - at least that's what I was told by the psychs.



Please never give up on meds by yourself. Clearly declare to your professional you don't want any more meds and have him hand you a plan to safely discontinue the treatment.

As for the job bit... I hate having to work, with all my heart. Most people do, especially those on the spectrum (have a look on the many different threads on here and check everyone else's posts about that). Many of us don't feel very comfortable out of the house, dealing with other people and things that don't interest us the slightest. I can't really offer any useful advice on this, there seems to be no real solution for the problem. As much as I hate to work, I hate the lack of autonomy. Unfortunately, autonomy costs dearly.



I'm neither a veteran member of this forum nor a psychology expert but from where I stand there are many people around (and in real life) who simply like to identify as aspies because it feels so right to them, it'd explain a lot about themselves but they are simply just odd, nothing else. I bet you'll see many of these posts yet. Again, this is just my point of view and I mean no offence to anyone.

I said that because I understand you're not yet officially diagnosed and in that case, some psychiatrists can come up with many different diagnosis and prescriptions that have nothing to do with your problem. That happened to me. Stick to sertraline if it makes you feel good. Asperger has no cure, therefore no medication can be prescribed to relieve you of that.

There are some drugs that are said to be effective to alleviate the symptons of autism but imho, they're a sham. Can you prescribe a medication to something no one knows for sure how it happens, what it is, how it affects people? So, treat your depression, don't treat your autism. At least not until new discoveries are brought forth in that domain.

Cheers.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

I would make sure the professional you see is well versed in how autism presents in adults. This person might be hard to find and might be unaffordable because the vast majority of autism research and money go to children and teenagers.

The future should be brighter as you should be making more informed decisions because you have a better idea of what works and does not for people like you who have autistic traits. A trap a person reading about autism impairments can fall into is obsessing about what they cannot do. Disability often does not necessarily mean inability. It means it might take longer or need a workaround. But whether you realize it or not you have been doing that anyway.