Voices of ex-friends haunting me

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I've lost two friends the last few years of my life and the voices they put into my head haunt me on a daily basis even long after they've left me in the dust.
I go through the same routines in my life that I am stuck in and I hear them looking down on me for remaining stuck in my vicious cycle. If I am alone and my already limited social options are closed off, I hear them mocking me for lacking social skills. When I fail to get a girlfriend, I hear one of them boast about her current girlfriend (She was bisexual but seemed to prefer women) and the other telling me she has a new boyfriend. When I fail at something, I hear them boasting to me about their own accomplishments. When I feel hopeless about my life ever changing, I hear them telling me to "get your (mine) head out of your ass". I wish I never knew these people if I knew my friendships with them weren't going to last and I wish I could replace their voices but I feel they'll ultimately cheer with victory when I finally exit this life.

I hear voices in my head too. Sometimes I take their advice, sometimes I ignore them. Since it sounds like the voices in your head are being a**holes, you probably should just ignore them. Im so glad you are getting therapy. I think it will help.

Well you have to find a way to pull yourself out of the past and focus on the now. First step is recognizing you're stuck in the past and stuck in a vicious cycle which you have done....but you seem hesitant to take the next step of really trying to move forward.

I just hate to see you driving yourself crazy, but in order to do that you have to stop dwelling in the pain of the past...it is the only way.

I often feel like I've been standing at a crossroads in my life but I've been standing at one for longer than most people do. I want to move forward but the fact I feel like I don't have any victories under my belt despite my struggles as well as the distance looking bleak has hammered spikes into my feet. I guess I feel like after suffering for so long I wonder where the break is.

I had to help my redneck father with something I couldn't avoid doing. I had to follow him to his friend's (A really corrupt used car salesman) car lot and drive him back to his other vehicle at my mother's house. I had been listening to Paradise Lost's Medusa album and I had forgotten that my father doesn't like the music I enjoy. When he got in, the song that played didn't feature Nick Holmes' clean vocals but his 'death growls' and my father asked me "What's he saying? Rah rah rah rah?", "What's this song about?" because he thought I was only listening to the song for the vocals rather than the music, "Do they play this in bible school? Hur hur hur!", and other questions I find tedious. This is pretty much how my life in the Bible Belt is like. I am an individual but the rednecks, hip hoppers, and Baptists (Both country and city dwellers) don't understand me and think I am strange. Their voices tend to ring in my head whenever I am trying to salvage my individuality but I am met with failure once more.

I honestly envy people who can do something like hentai (Pornographic anime and manga for those who don't know) on Patreon or elsewhere and make money off of it. I've become a fan of nearphotison's art and I wish I was born in an area like he was (I tend to think he's from California); I think if I had been born in Austin instead of the sick Belton-Killeen-Temple area, I would've felt more encouraged and inspired to draw as well as play music. Bible Belt morons would scoff at people like him and think they are losers but I don't see it like that. They are doing something they love for a living instead of working a boring and thankless day job. Even when I was a young preteen and still going to a Christian private school, I felt more peace and enjoyment looking at naughty drawings on the computer instead of going to church with my family or being made to read bible verses but the sex ed the private school taught as well as the whole "Save Sex for Marriage" slogan would make shame creep up on me. I am glad I eventually purged that from my system.

Marknis, have you had a frank conversation with your mother about moving out? Or does she always put you down for wanting that and tell you that you could never succeed?

There are many different ways to achieve it, but it seems like living independently might give you options for moving ahead with your life. What about a roommate situation in Austin?

I apologize if this is not where you wanted to go with this thread.

Just wanted to add - life in a small town can be stifling and depressing if your social skills are limited or if, like what you describe, the cultural environment is not something you feel compatible with.

Ah, interesting.

So, you did have friendships, they were with girls, but they were not dating relationships. And when they ended, their words left you with lasting hurt feelings.

I think possibly those relationships were not tenable for the long term. Maybe they held the possibility of turning into something romantic (either in your mind, or their mind) and failing to develop in that direction spelled the end of a relationship (either for them or for you).

I think it's also possible that you have tended to put too much of your emotional connection in one basket (putting all your eggs in one basket) ... and it became burdensome for these women.

But the fact that you had these friendships at all is significant. You had someone to hang out and share with. Now you need to work on forming some new friendships. In another thread, you said being a talented artist or musician would result in a sense of belonging (my paraphrase).

Grist for the therapy mill. I hope that is going well for you.

When you get these thoughts in your head try and replace them with something else. I don't know if it's an aspie thing, but I have certain phrases that pop into my head when certain things happen. I've been working to overcome some of the negative phrases. As soon as I think it I will think a new more positive phrase to try and replace it so that the positive phrase is the self soothing message that my brain brings up instead of the negative one. It's hard going, but I'm slowly managing to remove some thoughts from regular circulation.