Extremely Confused

Post Reply New Topic

I'm so confused and upset right now. For years now I've thought of myself as aromantic asexual, with no interest in dating or having sex with anybody. These past couple of months though, I've been thinking about the connection I have with one of my female friends, how much I enjoy her company, want to be around her, and feel comfortable and happy when she touches me in a way that no one else does. I've been wondering if it's possible that I might be gay. I just don't know how to figure out what I feel, and what to do about it. I'm upset because I brought the idea up with my mom, and the first thing she asked was "Is this another fad?" and "Why are you suddenly thinking this?" She also said she'd be supportive of me, but these messages don't feel supportive. They just make me feel stupid and attention-seeking when that wasn't why I asked her about it at all.

My dad was amazing. I asked him what it was like to feel like you wanted to have sex with someone, and he described this feeling I have for this girl; the wanting to be close to them, enjoying their touch, etc. and I said I think that's what I experience and that it's a problem. He asked why it was a problem and I said, "Because she's a girl." He didn't bat an eye and said, "That's not a problem," and proceeded to explain how to test the waters to see if she's interested in me too. I'm just very sad, confused and overwhelmed right now, as well as angry that I can't figure out what I'm feeling. Can anyone relate?

This could be a positive thing. I think that romance can be very special. You might find that it adds something to your life that you didn’t think you wanted but are now glad that you have. It certainly can complicate things, too.

Do you know if the girl you’re having feelings for is gay?

I don't, which only complicates things further. Trying to date is hard enough when you don't have the added layer of trying to figure out if their sexuality matches yours. I don't even know how to go about asking her in a way that wouldn't be awkward or weird or overly obvious.

That is tricky.

Does she ever talk about previous relationships? If you’re talking about a similar topic, could you ask her about her past relationships?

Do you guys ever talk about political issues? If so, talking about gay marriage or gay rights could come up in a casual conversation.

If you don’t mind me asking, in what ways does she touch you? Sometimes people show they’re interested by displaying more physical affection.

I’m glad that your dad has been so supportive! He sounds like a great guy! Not everyone has that level of support and understanding. Kudos to him!

I know from experience that it can be really difficult when you are in to someone but you aren’t sure how the person feels about you.

She hugs me a lot, and when we’re sitting together she sometimes puts her hand on my back or around my shoulder. I’ve never heard about her previous relationships but I know she hasn’t mentioned any interest in being in one in the three years I’ve known her.

That sounds really promising.

I’ve never been that touchy feely in even my closest friendships, except for when I was a little.

I think you’ll just have to look for opportunities to test the waters and see how it goes.

I just want to say I can relate to the feeling of needing to figure out what my feelings mean about who I "am" and I know it can be exhausting. Sending good wishes. And sorry your mom wasn't very supportive.

I’m sorry your mother wasn’t being supportive. I imagine she thinks she is protecting you but it’s tough for folks outside of the community to understand. There’s no “fad” sexuality and it’s weird that people keep perpetuating that myth. Sometimes identities shift over time and that is completely normal and healthy. Maybe you are experiencing a shift or maybe you’re just getting to know yourself better as you get older.

People on the aro/ace spectrum can still desire sex. Some people identify as graysexual or Demi-sexual. They may be less desiring of sex than allosexuals. Or they might require certain circumstances before they want to have sex such as a very close friendship. It’s also possible that you want physical or romantic intimacy and not sex.

Whatever is going on it’s going to be okay! Just listen to your needs and take your time.

Good morning Doombucket,
I love your Dad as he is so supportive.