Hatred of Smoking

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Hi all,
I have a problem and wondering what to do. My partner of nearly five years smokes. She has insisted she hates it and wants to give up. She did briefly and then relapsed (behind my back for a long time I knew because the smell of it repulses me! I smell it a mile off!) She managed to cut down and insisted she would stop. It never happened. I offered to help anyway I could by getting patches even vapes (I can still tolerate those) any therapy she wanted to try basically anything.. Provided she actually wanted to stop. She insisted she did. She lied and lied about to to the point where I have now built up a massive hatred for it and the smell on her repulses me enough to not want her near me! Now, I love her, so there’s the problem. She still insists she wants to stop, but it actually seems to be more frequent. I have finally got to breaking point and gave her an ultimatum that if she does want to stop then I would like some action or at least some reassurance when. Or if she decides she doesn’t want to or can’t then unfortunately it causes me that much upset and discomfort and I will find it hard to stop nagging about it (I know this is wrong!) that I think we should go our separate ways. This will break my heart, but the issue with the it has manifested so badly in me now after all the failed promises and lies I simply have to do something. I see this as me being honest and putting my cards on the table, she see’s it as blackmail. Do I walk, do I learn to deal with my detest for her deadly habit? What do I do! It’s been five years?! I’m a forty nine year old diagnosed aspie, she’s a thirty seven year old NT with a few past issues.. I would love an out the box reply or some reassurance or someone telling me I’m wrong! Anything to move forward from this.

I hate smoking with a vengeance! I can't stand the smell at all, not even getting into how unhealthy even just second-hand smoking is.

I would leave. I once got into a relationship on the condition that he would quit (snus, not smoking). A couple of months later, he was using again. I realised that he didn't respect me or my wishes at all.

You've been with this woman for five years. If she really wanted to quit, she would have already. Trying to hide her smoking from you is her trying to have her cake and eat it too, ie. she wants to keep smoking and she wants you to think that she's quit, which would imply that she understands that this is important (a deal breaker?) to you but doesn't respect your opinion. And then calling it blackmail further proves she has a strong emotional connection to smoking if she reacts that strongly to the thought of quitting. That's how I see the situation anyway.

You also said that the smell on her repulses you enough for you to not want to be near her. I think that alone is reason enough to leave. I find it impossible to imagine ever getting used to the smell.

TL;DR
She's not gonna quit nor does she respect your wishes. You should cut your losses and leave.

You'll have to make a decision on this. Wanting to quit a drug isn't enough for an addict to actually stop. They have to make an active decision to stop.

If you can't handle being around the smell and it sickens you and she won't change then you'll either have to live with it, she'll have to quit or you'll need to end the relationship. If she won't quit, cross that off the list and then focus on the remaining two possibilities and make your decision between them.

I also avoid smokers and vapers as much as I can! I also can't stand the smell of it despite both of my uncles who take pride in smoking. Anytime they visit, they always smell like cigarette smoke and as much as I want to get out of the house, my mom (who is a non-smoker) tells me off for being "overtly sensitive."

In fact, my uncles often wonder why I don't smoke myself.

As for you OP, my opinion is that you should leave her. Given that she may see a strong emotional connection to smoking, it seems as if she is too stubborn to not consider what you want from her; in your case wanting her to stop smoking.

I'm in the same boat as you, with my boyfriend. He's older than me and has smoked since he was 12. He used to chain-smoke (40 or more a day, and that's just in between working hours), and he promised he'd quit a few years back, and stupid me believed him and proudly told everyone. But I found out that he was smoking when I wasn't around.
But what frustrates me now is he's given himself COPD by smoking all of these years, and his doctor is advising him to quit smoking. He was rushed to hospital twice last year with breathing problems, and now requires inhalers to help him breathe. He can't even walk far without being out of breath. And he coughs all the time. If he had just quit years ago, he probably wouldn't be classed as vulnerable to coronavirus now. But because he's intentionally damaged his lungs, I've got to constantly make sure I am not bringing coronavirus germs home after being at work.
And yet he STILL continues to smoke. The thought of dying from COPD, lung cancer, heart disease or coronavirus doesn't seem to scare him, because if it did scare him that much then he'd quit in a heartbeat (no pun intended). He complains about his coughing because it keeps him awake at night, but I fail to have sympathy because of his stupid smoking habit. All I can do is nag, which apparently is wrong, so the other alternative is to keep my mouth shut. Like the OP I've brought him patches and have encouraged him to switch to e-cigs but he won't listen. He's too stubborn. It's like part of him wants to quit smoking but another part of him is afraid of facing the withdrawal effects. He just needs to know that suffering with serious, life-threatening lung diseases is far worse than some withdrawal symptoms.

Tobacco smoke is just disgusting, worse smell than s**t to be honest. I don't think she is going to stop if she hasn't done so already. So unless you can tolerate that disgusting smell(which I doubt your sense of smell will acclimate to it anytime soon), I would leave her.

I smoked until I was thoroughly addicted, but in my work, I sometimes polished metal, and I found that whatever I was inhaling during that chore made the next cigarette taste awful. Then, I had a week when the 1st cigarette of the day tasted that way too. I was given a big bag of "Kini-kinick," a pleasant non-tobacco smoking mixture, and for three weeks, every time I wanted a cigarette, I just used that even though I usually wanted another one soon. Then, after three weeks, when I ran out, the nicotine was out of my system, and it was easy to quit the puffing habit, substituting a deep breath or a few.
I have never tried to duplicate the effect with metal powders, but most kinds of tea make a palatable smoke.

I find smoking to be absolutely disgusting. Absolutely hate the smell. I think It should be illegal to smoke while walking so the smell doesn't spread down an entire street and people walking behind don't have to smell that stuff for multiple blocks. I would concur with other posters that OP should seriously consider leaving his relationship.

I have my own associations with the smell of smoke -- none of it are negative so far.

I'm not and probably never be a smoker myself.


My only main issue would because I can't exactly physically tolerate it.
Merely because of my overreacting upper respiratory -- either sneezing fits or painful breathing -- I hate it whenever it happens.

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I can relate to this so well! All me ex boyfriends smoked. With my first boyfriend it was similar to your story… He wanted to quit smoking and actually succeeded, but still smoked behind my back and LIED!! But I was always very sensitive so of course I smelled it. We had so many fights because of it, it made me extremely angry. All that s**t around smoking, I don't understand.. I often discussed with people about smoking that want to be "cool" or are smoking (sometimes) just because everybody else does it. It makes me so mad and triggers me extremely, cause I don’t see the point of it. I personally used drugs for many years, but what I never did was smoking cigarettes. In my eyes it's a complete waste of money, health and good smelling. If I will have a boyfriend again, I will make sure that he's not a smoker.

I would just leave her. Even though you love her, intimacy must be difficult when you can't stand the smell of smoke on her or in her home.

Besides the fact that the smoking bothers you, there's also the issue of being in a relationship with someone with such poor personality traits: either she was lying about quitting, or she's addicted and can't quit yet, or she just doesn't care enough to quit.

You leaving might motivate her to finally quit, but that's just a possibility, not the reason I suggest that you leave.