Asexual and Autistic

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Hi Everyone. It's been years since I last logged in on these forums. At the age of 18 I was diagnosed as being on the spectrum, specifically PDD-NOS. Sexuality was something I developed much later than most, and understanding those feelings took even longer. I identify as asexual as I've never yearned to engage in sexual intercourse with another person, however I have had attractions to people that I couldn't explain, and still struggle to understand them.

One of the side effects I endure of being high-functioning autistic is the inability to just 'get over' lost friendships. It takes me months, if not years to realise that they're never coming back into my life, and I have to move on. I've had precious few friends since I was a kid, and moving about so much didn't help either.
At the age of six my family moved a hundred miles north from where we lived. Six years later came the move to Canada. Being uprooted at that age can take its toll. It was another year before we settled down again.

The day after we moved in, I made friends with the boys across the street. Many memories came from that friendship, but it was the younger of the two I felt the strongest bond with, five years younger than me. I didn't know what it was at the time (naïvety, autism) but I knew that I wanted to spend as much time with my new friend as I could. He was adorable, and within a month I had developed feelings for him, especially when he was wearing a specific pair of orange flame shorts with white and blue flames on them. His 'Harley Shorts'. Again, at the time I had no idea what these attractions meant. I didn't question it, I just went along with it. I was young and totally innocent.
For three years we regularly played together. We rode our bikes. We went swimming. On one occasion our two families went on a winter trip to the Okanagan. Every moment I spent with him lives on in my heart. Seeing him struggling to climb out of the pool (despite being good on the climbing wall), and I'd always be the one who gave him a push. Sitting out with him when he had a nosebleed so he wouldn't be lonely. Appreciating how adorable he was, his shorts displaying just a little too much attitude for how often he needed my help. They were the happiest moments of my life. I finally had a purpose to my existence, someone I felt was a friend who needed me - in a metaphoric sense he was the little brother that I had wanted for years.

Every now and then I am tortured by dreams involving my former friend - still that adorable little guy that I wanted to spend an eternity with. It's been nearly twelve years since we stopped hanging out, and by now I know that I'll never really get over it. My friend outgrew me. He became an adult with his own life. Meanwhile, I've been left behind. Long forgotten. Such is the tragic tale of an autistic individual who will never grow out of childhood fantasies and obsessions. Another obsession that's developed out of this is that I have fallen in love with the idea of raising a son who looks identical to this friend. It started after I created a character in my mind who would replace the friendship that I had lost. His name is Timothy, and he is still very much a part of me. Watching several documentaries on television over the last ten years about the future of reproductive cloning as a possibility (they were talking about bringing back the Woolly Mammoth. I saw the possibility of bringing the person I imagined in my mind to be brought to life). With this 'Timothy' changed from being my imaginary little brother, to my future son. I can't let go of this fantasy, it's too painful. It is literally every reason that I'm still enduring the pain, in the hope that one day I will turn my dream into reality.

I haven't reached out to anyone before, I've insisted on keeping these feelings bottled up and endured intense pain and restlessness. What does one do in this situation? I've had a few friends reach out and recommend going to see a therapist, but I also want to protect my inner feelings as all-too-often people get the wrong idea about someone like me. I'd rather talk to someone who can help me achieve my goal, rather than try and talk me out of it. At best, a therapist would try and distract me from what I aspire to become, and at worst I'd be put under a surveillance order due to a misunderstanding, jeopardising the entire reason why I want to continue living on this 'wrong planet'.

I apologise for the information overload here, but I've been bottling these feelings up for far too long and I need to talk, but I can't just talk to anyone about this.

Hi,I wish I had something profound to tell you but I don't,I would put myself on the A-spec but am not fully asexual.Seeing a therapist is not a bad idea and maybe some medicine might help.

There is a dating site called asexualcupid.com,I tried them,I didn't have much luck because I am not a great social communicator and aces don't put as much emphasis on a profile picture,so one must communicate.As an autistic I wasn't able to communicate enough to catch there interest.But you might want to try that it could work for you,just do a better job than I did of explaining yourself.

I wish I had more to tell you,best of luck

it was almost till 25 yrs of age that i learned i might be asexual ,,but had so very little understanding of sexuality .. It was almost a crime . Tried to learn but it was,a taboo topic in the society then .
As time went on tried to have experiences but preferred friendship , almost completely escaped idea of human companionship . Until years later , and pretty much decided that was suppose to interact like a sexual entity . Somewhere at some level ,, pretty much decided the entire idea was a construct of society of which , was not inclusive of AS persons necessarily .
So Am pretty much understanding that asexuality is not necessarily a bad thing for me . And perhaps alittle satisfying as good friends are hard to find it seems , but immensely valuable ..
Understanding why ppl disappear or change is complx for me . And prolly beyond my ability to grasp
. Being content to be on your own can be fairly daunting sometimes . But i do not think it is necessarily bad, especially with these covid times upon us .besides as you get older society puts less sexual pressure on a person . So being content can be a very nice idea .

You're a lot younger than me and male, but I understand and can relate to everything you said.

I don't tend to hold on to friendships forever, but I've never forgotten my past friends and have never stopped wondering how their lives are going for them. I've had "crushes" on several of them, but my sexual experience is limited. The idea of having sex has always freaked me out, so I've only made it past a single date a couple of times. Then, as soon as I had sex (boring) with that person, I never wanted to see or talk to them again.

When I was young, I told myself I was too young to mess up my youth with marriage, so I'd marry when I was 30. When I reached 30, I decided I was still too young and enjoying my life, so I'd marry at 40. By 40, I said f it.

If you're looking for advice, I don't have it. I can only relate and tell you I decided to be happy with my singleness. I admire attractive people, but when I ask myself if that means I'd like physical contact, my answer to myself is "no." They're like a piece of art I want to gaze at.

Tread carefully. Bear in mind - the outside world will focus on the sexual aspect alone. I recommend you do not express any interest in adopting, and that you keep this particular thought to yourself. Do not discuss with anyone in RL in particular, not even to a therapist. It is not helpful or adaptive.

I've tried contacting old friends, didn't work out. Those from the past usually stay in the past for a reason. Most people move on. They don't get nostalgic. It's not like we are untraceable, all of us have phone numbers, addresses, email. If they didn't bother to stay in touch, maybe there's a reason. The first question that will pop in their mind is "Why is so-and-so contacting me now?" and they will think you want money or sex. That is how people are.