I need advice about online radicalization

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Sorry if this is too long, and thank you in advance for reading.
Last year, my teen son had a rumor started about him, that he had inappropriately touched a girl's breast. It didn't happen, she later confessed to lying, but he was hurt and angry. Before it got resolved, a bully at his school called him a rapist. The school got involved, which was when the truth came out. His father and I both assured him that the girl was unstable and that no one believed her. A feminist myself, I tried to get across that false accusations are rare and that allegations always have to be checked out, because a lot of women DO get assaulted, but that in his case, the girl had emotional issues and everything had worked out okay. We (his parents) thought he had dealt with it, put it behind him.
Last night, he came downstairs to let us know that he had an "unpopular opinion". He started reciting propaganda from men's rights activists (MRAs), and saying that false accusations are WORSE than rape, and that the me too movement was trash because women often lie. Clearly, he'd found some MRA guys online who had validated his anger. His dad and I talked to him about some men online trying to make others hate women and distrust them, because those dudes hate and mistrust women and want to be validated. We told him that the people pushing this crap aren't his friends, that they are trying to make him angry. We tried to impress on him that he hadn't been accused of rape and that everything had turned out right in the end. He was extremely distraught and seemed unsure of what to think; I think we got through, but I'm worried because he clearly has spent some time absorbing these ideas.
His dad has planned out a series of conversations to have regarding his feelings about women, and about online ideologies. We've kind of agreed that our son needs "father" advice on this more than his mom's--not that I have bad advice, but he's also at the age of rebellion and I talk a lot about feminism; I may currently be perceived as an enemy, which is painful. Even more painful is the realization that I didn't properly address his feelings at the time, leading him to search for relief online. Whatever, I'll be fine; my main concern is that my son feels loved and validated, and doesn't end up embracing the toxic view that these MRAs espouse. I'm wondering if anyone else has had to address anything like this, and what you did, and if it helped. I found an article online that said autistic young men are sometimes drawn to these kinds of sites, that the tendency towards black and white thinking and rage at injustice can make it difficult for some to discern which "side" is correct. In my son's case, his very real feelings of hurt at being questioned last year opened him up to these ideas. He's very smart and all around awesome, but does not know when people are lying to him or being manipulative. Which makes him an easy target for fringe groups pushing anger and deceit.
That article about radicalization suggested that getting back out into the world is the answer to stuff like this, pulling back from the internet and connecting with real friends... Except, you know, there's a pandemic on, and my son doesn't "chat" online, he mostly just reads.
Wow, this is too long. My apologies again. Any advice or suggestions about this would be welcome.

Perhaps consider compiling data and statistics? For example, percentage of women anonymously reporting they have been assaulted in surveys vs number of legal cases/official complaints about assault per 100 women. Statistics about self harm, etc, in assault victims (stuff you wouldn't do if you were making it up or it was no big deal). Info like that would potentially demonstrate that the MRA guys aren't basing their opinions on actual data, but rather their personal feelings/outlier experiences.

I would also affirm that what happened to him was wrong and it is 100% normal to feel angry about it. But just like people shouldn't think he is a rapist because one girl told a lie, HE shouldn't assume all women are liars because one girl was. That wouldn't be fair or just.

Hope that helps?

It seems obvious your son was hurt and feels angry. Being told to let it go may not seem as attractive as buying into some excuse to indulge his anger. The dynamics of mass outrage whether KKK, BLM. MRA NOW, Nazis, Antifa, etc. seem to profit from feeding bitterness and discontent.

All these groups are toxic in that the individuals drawn to them end up less peaceful and more angry.

Your son might benefit more from acknowledging his anger but being directed in a direction that will be more useful to him. For example, what clues to this person's instability could have been detected and what steps of avoidance could have been taken. This could be useful should other unstable people be encountered.

Yes, ASD young men are at high risk for radicalization in this area. Spend some time on the Love and Dating board here; it can be enlightening.

Have you talked to him about your own "me too" experiences? He may need to know a story from the other side, from someone he knows and trusts. As you can tell, I'm assuming you have one because, well, nearly every woman I know in real life does, even though not all at the same level. If you don't, have someone in the extended family talk to him. Someone he truly trusts. My son knows exactly why I hold the position that women must always be believed, but for your son to have been one of the victims of the few women that actually do lie about it ... wow. I hope women aren't suddenly seeing a door to weaponize this; that hurts everyone. Don't make excuses for her, she did not only betray your son, but every woman who has had a real experience.

In my experience most men who think the woman lied in accusing them are naive to the effect of their own actions but did actual, real life harm. We had a case in the office 30 years ago that broke my heart for everyone. The women were hurt to the point of being unable to continue working at the firm, and the guy was oblivious. He truly thought the women were his friends, and that things like movie nights in hotel rooms when out of town were OK things to do. He didn't connect the dots on how his being their supervisor with a VERY hard driving style made the notion of an equal friendship impossible. Your son needs to hear stories like that, too, so that he doesn't buy into the distorted reality men like that inevitably share. The guy I worked with never did connect the dots; he believed he was the victim. He wasn't. I interviewed both sides. I wish I had seen it and talked to him before it got to where it did. It's hard. While your son was a real victim, he needs to know that not every man who claims to be one, and truly believes himself to be one, really is one.

The fact that people lie is very hard for those on the spectrum. They want to either believe everyone, or believe no one. The nuance of "white" lies and other socially positive reasons to bend a truth completely evades my son. This is going to end up being bigger in your son's life than the one incident and bigger than the men's groups he has found; he most likely is dealing with a huge issue on trust, and demonizing the women who report incidents may seem like a simple way to resolve the conflict.

I do not think you should back out of the conversations, but I do think you will need to find another hat to wear in order to be productive in them. This is a delicate time in your son's formation. Take it seriously.

I read somewhere that the key to stopping radicalization is to point out a real life example of where the stereotype doesn’t fit. So yeah, like sharing something that happened to you, or another female person in his life. Maybe pointing out similar, but different situations. Like how sometimes the perpetrator of racist graffiti is a member of the target group. Those things happen and they don’t always make sense. It’s not fair to anyone.

I hate that that happened to him. What an awful experience for a young man just learning to be a man.

To the OP;
I find it strange that your school hasn't taken responsibility for creating the environment that made it conducive for your son is being so actively and cruelly bullied?

I am (and have been) quite proactive in getting the school to take responsibility for my daughter's bullying by arranging to have my daughter's bully and her mother meet with the deputy principal and my daughter in the same room (with social distancing of course).

The mother of the bully spoke harshly and made her daughter take responsibility and apologise and this was quite cathartic for my daughter who is much happier that justice was metered out.

The root cause of your son's radicalisation is your son's school in not stamping out these sh***y bullies. If you want to help cure the disease I would first root out the pathogen so your son can feel comfortable going to school.

Have you, for a single moment, considered that the people arguing for the rights of men and boys (y'know, like that thing your son is) may perhaps not do so out of spite and hatred of women? That they may in fact have a point? Have you furthermore considered that maybe after having been the victim of what happened and being justifiably upset and angry, you rubbing your personal ideology in his face, an ideology that paints men and masculinity in a negative light and makes them out to be defective girls at best and natural born rapists at worst, might not be the most helpful thing?


Look up Honey Bader Radio on Youtube. It's a group of artists, mostly women (and at least one autistic guy), with political views ranging across most of the liberal-conservative spectrum. They're also all MRA's and they do a podcast dealing with cultural issues and current events, interspersed with some more niche pop culture topics. As the feminists are so very fond of saying; educate yourself.

I actually know of many false accusations of sexual assault by men against women. It can happen when a woman is scorned and wants revenge, or even just out of spite, or for monetary gain. Why wouldn't it? These women do a great injustice to women who have suffered real sexual abuse, myself included. Feminism shouldn't be synonymous with stupidity or naivity. Women can have evil intentions also.This is why every case must be carefully and thoroughly scrutinized by impartial entities.
I have an ASD friend who when he was my student in Junior High was blamed for touching a girl inappropriately and consequently suspended. She stood up suddenly and he turned around at the exact moment and accidentaly grazed her breast.You can imagine what long lasting traumatic effects this has had on him. Luckily eventually he was believed but he still talks to me about it and how he was ostracized. It happens, breasts sometimes just get in the way. A student of mine recently grabbed my breast by accident, the same kind of scenario, he went bright red and ran out of the room, a guy in his twenties. I just carried on teaching. It was obviously not intentional.

I think the OP has already said the girl retracted her accusation of touching so it was already deemed false. The issue is not about sexual assault but about her son's response to why the bullying culture in his school is allowed to flourish.

In today's "believe her" environment, boys, especially boys with social challenges, are easy targets for unethical people who want to throw around false accusations.

Feminists by definition divide people by gender for the sole purpose of favoring a specific group over others and in this case believing one group instead of another.

It's ironic that you have pride in being a feminist while you son suffers. Maybe focusing on equality for all is still the better approach rather than dividing and favoring one over another?

I have to second that agreement. Also, when somebody gets falsely accused of something when the accusation could possibly ruin his entire life (it happens a lot), of course that person is going to get angry and rage at "the system" and that in itself is entirely justified. A lot of people have thought that men saying anything about the behavior of women as a group is synonymous with hatred and spite toward them.

I think he needs counselling and justice for the original cause of his anger, which was what that girl did to him. You need to get in contact with his school and get them and the girl to sincerely apologize to him. They caused a lot of trouble. I like how cyberdad's daughter's case turned out. And yes, keep emphasizing to him, "It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It was an unusual one-off event.", it will speak directly to his ego and he will hear this message if these words are repeated over and over again to him, even a few times in a row.

Solve the root cause, not the symptoms.

Other than being outed as a false accuser, what specific consequences did the girl have? Were there any disciplinary penalties? Was she required to go to counseling?

The situation might have been resolved in terms of your concerns, but his concerns are apparently quite different. I suspect that although he was found not to be guilty, he wasn't fully acknowledged as innocent. If anything, his ordeal was probably ended with a tone of "let that be a lesson to you." In fact, it was a lesson to him.

For generations, women have spoken plainly about having "the talk" with their daughters about how some men can harm them. The talk men get is typically about prioritizing women and not being one of those men that harm women, but rarely about the harm men can and often do endure from women. The manosphere is having that talk, and the result is that many men aren't chomping at the bit to lean in with women.

Your son will likely go through a dark period known in the manosphere as red-pill rage. He'll eventually calm down and arrive at a new normal when dealing with women. Some women won't like that new normal in which he prioritizes himself, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's an unhealthy position for him.