Rejected by Family?

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Growing up "Aspie" can be tough enough with the love and support of one's family. But what if they are part of the problem?

It might feel like the entire universe was against you at times if people close to you were cruel.

My family were hard working immigrants who had no time for inefficiency or inadequacy. My poor coordination, inability to ride a bike, read a clock face or even tie my own shoelaces were all met with contempt.

Mentioning my powerful sensitivities to certain noises, odors, foods, or the textures of certain clothes got me nowhere. I used to repeat certain jargony phrases to soothe myself; i was openly mocked for that, too.

Can anyone else relate to any of that? Did any of y'all have to fight the outside world growing up...then come home and fight more battles?

My Dad used to stop me stimming. My teachers stopped me stimming. My workmates and bosses stopped me stimming. I never knew they were called stimms though.
I can ride a bike though it took a few years of determination to learn, but too this day I have not been able to ride "No hands", but I have through my years of mountain bike racing, taught myself how to "Force steer" and "Bunny hop" etc. The ability to force steer put oneself at an advantage in a race at the opportune moment where one could use it.
I was slow at learning shoelaces compared to others and never mastered it with thw double loop method. When someone showed me how to do it the single loop method I was able to master it, but I was about 8 or 9 years old before I mastered it. Others were able to master it at the age of about 5 or 6.
I was nurvous of loud noises. Less so now but still, I am cautions when using power tools etc, and certain things I just don't do. My Dad would tell me off for jumping every time he used a hammer or putting my fingers in my ears if he used a power tool. He did not understand. I am not ultra sensitive, but I believe I am sensitive... But much better then I once was, so I do kinda know where you are coming from... Where you are expected to be and act/react in the same ways that other people do and yet you don't... And you are accused of not being normal, or making things up... Or "If you try harder...." Yes. I can relate to that side of it.

My symptoms were much less pronounced, but I was still odd enough that my NT father and sister shared the only empathy under our roof. The family disintegrated around the years I became adult, but I was obviously less favoured before then. My parents had given me what they would have wanted, and were just baffled when I didn't respond as they would have. Lack of listening and imagination is not rare in parents.

My parents did not reject me. I am still living with my Mum.

I ended up yelling and swearing at my family (even calling the police on a relative), sending my mom abusive text messages. Now the relationship with the family is partially ruined. But hanging out with my family was stressful, uncomfortable, and made me worried about missing out on my own life as I was hoping to improve my social life independently. I ended up yelling/swearing at my family when I thought it was an important situation that had to be changed. Now the relationship is ruined. But if I was to hang out with them again, they would place demands on my time and it would be too much of a commitment. I am losing my family because they are getting older and frankly I lost on fun with them as well. Some families try to develop you and others just expect you to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

I almost thought I had typed this when I read it. My dad was the exact same way. The way he made me learn to ride a bike was to force me to go and fall down time after time. I had so many scratches and bruises. I had a really awkward throwing motion when I threw a ball, and he was determined that I play little league, so he had me stand beside a brick wall to learn not to throw side arm. My knuckles were totally skinned. I also hated loud noises, and he was a gun nut. So my fear of loud noises plus his gun obsession was a poor match. He had me fire his 12 gauge shotgun at age 11 and after one shot my ears were ringing and I was screaming. He basically called me a mamas boy after that.

To this day I still get comments from family members like “just try harder”, “it’s just depression”, and “you seemed normal that one time, so why not now?”.

...I am cautions when using power tools etc, and certain things I just don't do.

My God, I was a klutz back then! I think shop class (where I almost sanded off a finger) and gym were created to torment guys like me. And I never learned to ride a bike, or sadly to drive a car. My father was a mechanic and my brothers could ride with "no hands", so I was basically humiliated before every male role model.

What's funny about some working class families is that academic prowess is frowned upon. What really matters is dressing sharp, pulling babes, having a nice ride...I was no scholar, but mostly B's made me suspect. And when I finally found something I was good at (the SAT's) and won scholarships, my family didn't seem to give a tinker's damn. I seemed to have been wired differently from the lot of em.

Tinkers were not especially profane men. A tinker's dam is any little piece of handy garbage that will stop molten solder from spreading unduly.

Tinkers were not especially profane men

Thank you.

Yes, I know what that feels like. My immediate family (father, mother, sister) were not the problem, my only living set of grandparents rejected me. I can remember them telling my parents that they only had one real grandson and it was not me. This was done to my face 35 years ago and it still stings to this day. The grandson that they were talking about had murdered a kid with a shotgun at age ten. He was too young to be charged, so the law wrote it off as an accident. It was no accident, he did it intentionally. But, because he was the first born heir to the family name, he could do no wrong. My other cousins were treated the same way as me. I dispose that cousin, as he destroyed that part of my childhood. It made the bullying that I got in school that much harder to deal with.

No matter how much I accomplished, I was not good enough for my grandparents. They would never take me fishing nor play with me when I was growing up. Now that they have passed on, I seldom think of them except as a bad memory of my past. The rest of my extended family just does not understand that how they treated me has permanent consequences.

Ouch, QuantumChemist. Reading that made me tear up.

If it's any consolation, I think being neglected or even being abused may be better for you in the long run than being the "can do no wrong" Golden Child. That can twist you up in ways you don't even realize.

[color=#0077aa] I'm a part of both sides of this. I was neglected and abused till i was 10. And Looking back, I probably could've gotten lots of help at school and other places but my mother stood in the way of that. She never cared about my wellbeing just how it would make her look to other people. So she Lied to teachers about me being (adhd I was diagnosed as a toddler) It's also possible that they suggested a ASD diagnosis but my mother refused it because, i went through extensive testing when i was 5 or 6. They ended up diagnosing my with dysgraphia. (Which i'm sure the school never found out about) I've never been big on stimming, but I don't think my mom ever noticed me chewing my shirts (it was my dad who pointed out).
Even now that i'm out of that situation I don't trust my family. I withhold details about my life. I'm not entirely open with them. I don't know if it's their fault truthfully. They want to help, but I'm just like I'm burning out and losing access to my motor skills how are you gonna help with that. Now ofc it'd probably help a ton fro them to understand what burnout is (as they seem to think it's depression) but meh. I don't share my probelms with other people and i think that's the problem.

As far what my family members think about the whole autism thing, My grandma is supportive about it. I think she got a (autism) tattoo
As for my mom i've already detailed her. But she the type who thinks autism is fake. Also discouraged things that helped me function. (Not that I really cared)

This is by no means an aspie-specific problem. It is not uncommon for one sibling to become a scapegoat, and get abused or estranged for life. Even families that have gotten along well often fracture if there's an estate to contest, and everyone wants to be compensated for how they were treated.