Feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself

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Statistics and studies show that most people with mental health and developmental disorders are more likely to be victims than being perpetrator.

At the same time, I feel confused, because I have history of having violent actions while I was psychotic, but as soon I started to take medications, I stopped being violent completely and also stopped being psychotic.

I don't have criminal records, all of those reports about my mania, some behaviors related to disorderly contact and psychosis are mostly psychological reports and from my IEP as well.


My thought is that I have had some kind of rare form of psychosis or even undiagnosed personality disorder with psychotic features.


I feel embarrassed, because I am not sure if I can keep it to myself anymore and I don't want people with mental health and developmental disorders to be stigmatized and be discriminated against, just because some people like me had those behavior issues while being psychotic. But I made a conclusion that since I stopped being violent, I must have some form of mental disorder that had caused me to do this, because the medications are helping and it changed my personalities drastically as well.



I wanted to apologize, but it was long ago.

I still feel guilty for not apologizing for what I did.

I told my father how guilty I was for sometimes having violent actions, my dad told me that I should not worry so much about it and that it was not my fault and that I was not always aware at that time.

But sine I started to know from right and wrong, It's still better to apologize, apologizing can further reduce stigma about mental health disorders that you have.

I think it's admirable you want to do the right thing. I can understand why you may not want to pursue help due to the stigma, but maybe the violence is more of a secondary effect. I don't know if you get angry or afraid, but something must trigger it, right? Maybe you can get help for whatever is causing it, rather than the violence itself.

Also, I don't know anything about brain chemistry, but it's strange how much can affect our mood and behavior. It doesn't have to reflect you as a person. We are a mix of many things that don't always add up in a helpful way. Sorry if that's not very helpful. I just hope you can feel more at peace with your past, whatever happened.

As Spotted Mushroom noted, it’s an admirable quality to express an apology for past wrongdoings. But in this case, given the fact that your actions were the result of psychosis, you cannot and should not be held responsible for your actions in these events. Your Doctor, your family as well, would be responsible for ensuring you receive any necessary treatment/medication and you deserve respectful, specialised care from those who are closest to you, or mental health staff.

How you’re feeling is often expressed by others I know of with various other conditions such as schizophrenia, ADHD, MDD, children and adults presenting with extreme behavioural disturbance. Often they are mortified and ashamed of what they’ve done while in that “state” but they cannot and should not be held responsible. Those around you need to be well versed in keeping themselves safe in the event that your behaviour escalates. There should be a plan in place for these events.

Anyone who truly cares to learn and understand what you are experiencing, should reassure you that they’re aware it was not intentional. You wouldn’t be causing distress to others purposefully, that this is the result of illness(psychosis). Be gentle on yourself and I hope you receive all the respectful care and support you need and deserve.

Thank you!