21 Feb 2021, 6:33 am
I find this a pretty strange desire. A girlfriend to me is somebody I must listen to, agree with and share things with no matter what she says or wants. She might want to drag me to boring parties, want me to go to boring social happenings or spend my time with other boring stuff. So, why would any ND that wants to continue to pursue his/her special interests have a gf or bf? It's completely illogical. 
Some people, maybe mostly female NDs, have realized this and so no longer want a boyfriend. They don't want to have sex on demand, don't want to lose their independence or do boring stuff all day.
Actually, I don't want a girlfriend either. I want a soulmate, not a girl friend.
Some male NDs claim they miss having a girlfriend as teenagers, and that this can explain why they feel so desperate and miserable. It's more likely a soul mate they miss, and not a girl friend. Getting a soul mate is not bound to age and can happen at 15 or 50, it doesn't matter and it will be just as good regardless of age. Maybe it even gets better with age as then you can reflect on all those poor dating experiences much better.
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
21 Feb 2021, 9:05 am
21 Feb 2021, 9:27 am
DuckHairback
Veteran
Joined: 27 Jan 2021
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,484
Location: Durotriges Territory
21 Feb 2021, 9:34 am
21 Feb 2021, 9:43 am
Some people, maybe mostly female NDs, have realized this and so no longer want a boyfriend. They don't want to have sex on demand, don't want to lose their independence or do boring stuff all day.
Actually, I don't want a girlfriend either. I want a soulmate, not a girl friend.
Some male NDs claim they miss having a girlfriend as teenagers, and that this can explain why they feel so desperate and miserable. It's more likely a soul mate they miss, and not a girl friend. Getting a soul mate is not bound to age and can happen at 15 or 50, it doesn't matter and it will be just as good regardless of age. Maybe it even gets better with age as then you can reflect on all those poor dating experiences much better.
I wouldn't date anyone who wanted to drag me to parties or social happenings, or someone who wanted sex on demand, or someone who caused me to lose my independence. No one should. That's why it's important to take time finding a partner with the same level of social interest, who treats you like a human being and respects you.
They're out there.
A soulmate can be a best friend and / or a partner. I have both.
21 Feb 2021, 10:49 am
21 Feb 2021, 10:57 am
So you don't want a boyfriend in the typical sense then?
A soulmate can be a best friend and / or a partner. I have both.
I used to think that "friendship first" was a poor way of getting into a relationship. However, if you are clear about your desire for finding a soulmate and that you are not looking for a typical NT-style friendship, then it might not be so bad. After all, it does provide the setup that typically leads to a strong bond, and ending up as soul mates.
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
21 Feb 2021, 11:14 am
21 Feb 2021, 11:16 am
21 Feb 2021, 11:33 am
21 Feb 2021, 11:47 am
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
21 Feb 2021, 12:00 pm
21 Feb 2021, 12:17 pm
Yes, but it is this kind of loyality that predators use, and that NDs find hard to resist.
The "good" loyality comes automatically for NDs as they form strong bonds. It doesn't need to be enforced by a "contract" (a promise to be exclusive or a marriage), it comes all by itself. However, since it comes all ny itself, NDs also need to be careful about who they bond with.
I'm not sure that aiming at finding similar interests is such a good idea for NDs. First, we typically cannot afford to discard people that might be compatible & interested in us based on differences in interests. This doesn't happen very often, and so we need to use these occassions the best we can. Second, some of us have very unusual interests, and some of these are mostly interests we only share with our own gender, and thus this would limit potential partners too much. Third, interests change, and if you initially had similar interest you eventually might end up with rather different interest. Forth, if you don't have similar interest to start with you will need to compromise right from the start and so can see how this works before it gets too serious.
Perhaps that's why I don't consider dating a soul mate to be impossible. I don't separate people out into friend / potential date categories.
Quite likely so.
21 Feb 2021, 12:40 pm
OutsideView
Veteran
Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,022
Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
21 Feb 2021, 12:51 pm
What's your definition of a soul mate? What do you get out of having one? What do you do with them? Don't you have to do boring things in order to spend time with them if you don't have similar interests? Not trying to be picky, just having trouble understanding
For me dating is spending time with someone to get to know them (and agreeing not to do anything romantic or sexual with anyone else at the same time). If we have different interests that lead to us both having to do boring things together then the relationship probably wouldn't be worth being in anyway unless we got along so well that doing the boring things became enjoyable because we were doing them together.
21 Feb 2021, 12:54 pm
