3 bad things I have done in my life...

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...that I have to live with the guilt forever.

1. When I was about 19-20 I sent my cousin a nasty message on MSN because I was jealous that he was going out clubbing with mates (even though he might be on the spectrum but is undiagnosed) and I felt so socially isolated and left out at the time, I just couldn't stop myself. I think I did say sorry, he did forgive me but I will never know if he's actually forgotten. I don't see him much only about once a year at family gatherings. It's a bit of an awkward thing to bring up. He might have forgotten about it but I haven't and I've just got to live with the guilt.

2. A couple of years ago a family friend came to visit, who I didn't get on with. I had been working all day and was tired, and wasn't in the mood for him. So as I stomped to my room (before my mum answered the door) I yelled something unpleasant about him (using a very bad word), and I don't think we've seen or heard from him since. The walls in my house are thick and the front door is one of those modern soundproof-type doors so as I was shouting I assumed he wouldn't hear, but maybe he did and I feel bad. He probably thinks I'm a horrible person. I was just tired and frustrated at the time. My family didn't like him much either but I still feel very guilty. I wish I didn't shout it loud. If I think about it, I have a feeling he still visited after this incident but I can't be sure. If he did then he can't have heard me, but no-one can remember when he last visited. So I've just got to carry on living with this guilt until someone remembers or they text him (I don't have his number).

There was a third one but I can't remember what it was. When I do, I'll post it here. It's extremely rare for me to upset people, but when I do (usually when I'm angry) I feel really bad about it. I don't like people thinking I'm a horrible person, because I'm not a horrible person.

I get regrets like that and they tend to all come back all at once if I experience a melt down. (I think they are meltdowns. I only rarely get them. My brain goes at 1000mph when these thoughts come back to me during one of these events.

But yes. I have regrets from the past. I do try to do my best to aboid hurting others, but I am not perfect.

The best thing you can do is to try not to do these things in the future.

What’s done is done.

Honestly, this is a pretty modest tally of evildoing... giving way to malice is very uncharacteristic of you, and on the rare occasions you do, you regret it and try to make amends. So many people act like that all the bloody time, feel no remorse for it, and when challenged justify themselves and behave even worse. You're all right.

You can't measure the quality of an action

"Actions speak louder than words"

Plenty of people do much worse things and they do not constantly express remorse or regret



Nobody is perfect

There is no such thing as perfect,

I'm surprised people put up with so much from me when I was young and had mental problems. I look back in horror at the way I treated people. (Of course people haven't always respected me either but...) All you can do is learn from your mistakes.
I always try to be nice to people now that I'm older and have developed more empathy.

I spoke to my mum about it and she said that the guy has visited since, just not recently. He's very opinionated and would criticise or comment on anyone who upsets him, no exceptions, that or he'd just turn away at the door, so if he came to visit since I yelled that thing then I assume that he didn't hear me.

Then my mum said that she's done that before; yelled something out of frustration about a friend or family member who was standing at the other side of a door. Like a couple of the posts in this thread said, we wouldn't be human if we didn't make these errors, even NTs do it sometimes.

But I still feel guilty about the message I had sent to my cousin. I know it's 10+ years later but I still think it was harsh of me at the time. I knew what I was doing, but because I was so depressed and frustrated with the social isolation issues I was going through, I just couldn't help myself. He'd messaged back "what the hell???" and I could almost hear how hurt he was in the message.

Did you ever come up with a third one?

You seem like a good person, I'm pretty sure I've got a few incidents as bad as yours every few weeks.