Motherly figures

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I woke up thinking this morning. So there was this Nobel Prize-winning physicist in my extended family. I never met him, and don't know him well enough to suggest a diagnosis. He died when I was still a small child. He certainly earned well, and was certainly good for *something* but his wife had to be his caretaker for a lot of daily activity. I've heard that he was so easily distracted that he could leave his home wearing no pants.

Despite my ability to earn and provide, I too have some functional shortcomings in everyday existence. I feel like for the dating success I seek, my future partner would at the very least have to understand my shortcomings, or better, have the love, care, and energy to make up where I fall short. Some days are better than others, recently it hasn't been good. That's the brutally honest reality.

In Tony Attwood's book, he noted that partners of men with Asperger's are likely to have "motherly" qualities. I find that more than plausible.

Where does one look for such a person?

Stereotype alert: Single moms.

Don't beat yourself up.
I think this ^ is true of all of us on the spectrum.
All couples need to care for each other and understand their partner's shortcomings, even NT / NT.

Ideally, it would be reciprocal.
You would understand your partner's shortcomings and make up where she falls short.

It's nothing to be ashamed of unless you think it would be all take and no give, on your end.
I don't sense that's the case.

I'd never heard that stereotype about single mothers.
I usually think of single mothers as tired and overburdened.
In general, their children will always come first before a partner.

When I tried to be a mother-figure for partners I got burnt out and exploited.
I'm only learning how to demonstrate / accept reciprocal care now.
It's hard to find the right partner in terms of needs and skills.
It's not just about love imo, but about the give and take like two pieces of a puzzle.

I'd suggest that you start by identifying your strengths and weaknesses.
"Mother figure" is quite general.
What exactly do you need support or encouragement to do?

I ultimately meant to ask how to subtly, but clearlyrelay that to the prospective partner. I accept my limits but I can't and shouldn't label myself anything.

It would be a real red flag if her children don’t come first before me.

I have dated singles moms before and my current partner is one too, I noticed the pattern.

That much had happened to me, but I have no regret doing it.

My thread from a couple years back got removed for some reason, people here don't like reality, I guess, but the common sense conclusions I was drawing there is that it's not recommended that people like us even attempt dating someone less functioning than ourselves. Nevermind the ethical and moral problems with doing so.

I didn't know that about her.
How is your relationship with her child?

Sorry that happened.

I try not to think of anyone as "less functioning" though. I'm not trying to be PC about it but imo we're all functioning at different levels in all the different areas of our lives, whether it's the autism areas or regular day-to-day areas. The key is to find someone whose strengths and needs / weaknesses / challenges (not sure which word to use), complement our own. One person might be good at cooking and the other might be good at washing up dishes, or shopping for new ingredients. One might be good at communicating feelings and the other might be good at listening, learning, or finding new ways to express themselves nonverbally.

It's not always possible to find a perfect match to off-set our needs, but usually when I look closely at relationships I can find where pieces fit. You said that your partner was too low functioning and needy but that you enjoyed it anyway. You also said you want to be (somewhat) low functioning by having a mother-figure take care of you in the future. It seems you like a caregiver type of relationship whether it's you or them who needs more support. Most people will grow resentful of caregiving or mother-figure / father-figure / white knight relationships in the long haul, so I'd advise trying to figure out exactly what types of support you "need" or want, and what types you're willing to give them in return.

They live elsewhere, my partner is migrant. They did add me on fb tho, and the daughter sent regards.

That's really sweet.
My brother's relationship was similar when his partner emigrated here.
Her children stayed behind and it took several years for them to get citizenship.

By the way when I said children usually come first, I was referring to younger kids.
As kids get older (mine are adults), it's OK for mums to put themselves first sometimes, or even their partner.
It's a balancing act.
Husbands and wives put each other first sometimes as needed when they have children together.
It's just hard to get to that stage when the partner isn't their parent.

Just my thoughts on single mothers. They're eager, but plug their child in every other sentence. Or worse, send unsolicited pictures of the child to a stranger (and not themselves, I should add). It's pretty weird to be a man and have someone's kid's pictures on your phone. You know what that looks like, right?

I dunno how to do it. It's weird.

I've had enough of "motherly" types.

My own mother just passed away.

I would prefer to be an "older brother" figure, rather than a "fatherly" figure.

Been there.

People send unsolicited pictures of their CHILDREN?! (minors?!) to you and other men?

Tell me you're joking.

That does seem weird like I could see if a single mother gets a boyfriend and after a time they become part of that kids life having a picture. But does seem weird for somone to just send pictures of their kids to strangers they've met and haven't established a relationship with.

I don't have kids but I figure if I did I wouldn't just be sending their pictures to random people.

I know they mean well, and luckily I'm a decent guy, but that puts me in a weird position.

Yeah, for real.