stuck in a rut

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Pretty much since undergrad graduation, been stuck in a rut.

work:

Past two and a half years, though, stuck in a rut, @ least with a job. Minimum wage, menial labor, "BS job". Job that i will soon be too physically weak, slow, old, disabled, injured, to do. Lot Attendant at Home Depot. Push carts and load merchandise. Almost get hit by a car a couple times a week. Constantly uptight. Back and foot pain sometimes. 40 years old. Health only getting worse. Been training for transfer to Tool Rental. Paranoid that Tool Rental coworkers and supervisors and managers will micromanage me worse than Tattletale Tom. Tool Rental might be worse than Lot Attendant in ways that I do not (thus far) know about, b/c I do not yet work in Tool Rental.
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"friends"

zero "friends". When someone reacts a certain way in a certain situation, that does not guarantee they will react a similar way in a different situation. (Not a representative sample). Every situation is different, even situations that appear the same. Things are not always the way they appear. In social interactions, there is no such thing as a controlled experiment.
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hobbies

not good at anything
do not like anything or anyone

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chronic constipation, without bowel obstruction. the xray technician wrote in the report.

clinical depression

aspergers diagnosed 2003

old man and old woman dropped dead.

zero children

never had a romantic relationship

emotional overeating

sometimes trouble sleeping

clinical depression

zoloft, prozac, ativan, lexapro, propranolol taken in the past for clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

wellbutrin prescribed and not taken, b/c of seizure risk.

age 24-26, and 36 -present, on testosterone shots to transition to male

chinese. day laborers keep having the nerve to scream "chino" @ me. (rolls eyes).

menstruation smaller amount and less frequent.
voice a lil lower, but it was never that high, and it is not that low.
negligible amount of mustache.
appetite gone haywire. weight gone up a negligible amount, but proprioception feels heavier gravitationally.
all other changes, either zero or not noticed.
overall body shape, appears the same.

but cisgender chinese adult males tend to be skinny, short and high pitch voice and no facial hair, so WTF ever.

besides, the city i live in and 2023 is much less homophobic than san diego 2007 when i first started testosterone.

been to 42 different counselors. (including trained volunteers from the free clinic).

exhausted all the time.

my worthless corpse has been wounded for a longfuck time and it's only getting worse. graceful degradation is the best thing that could happen. the worst thing that could happen, is subject to imagination.

memorial day. federal holiday. nothing to do. cleaned Pigpen. wanted to hang out with someone.

I'm sorry to hear that so many things are tough for you right now, and perhaps always. I can't give any advice except the usual things I'm sure you've already heard. Have you tried Tai Chi? Riding a bike? Joining a church? (The Unitarian Church does not require you to believe in anything.) And so on.

You also mention that you have clinical depression, but the medications you mention you say you took in the past. Are you seeing a therapist and someone who can prescribe medications now? Are you saying that none of the meds you tried before worked, and that's why you're not taking them now? There are others, though you have already tried quite a few.

Wishing you the best.

Bee:

In the past, I have done a little Tai chi and a lot of bike riding. Right now, I am way too physically weak to be trying to ride a bike.

Never joined a church.

The SSRIs had side effects that overpowered the positive impacts. (Cost benefit analysis)

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Today in the locker room at work there was a sign up sheet for Tool Rental Lead and I signed up

There were only three spots. Someone wrote shekou's name, even though he is transferring stores. Cashier Juan signed up too, but he also signed up for head cashier.

I asked the Human Resources what the hours are and what the requirements are and she said, apply online and the ASM will tell you. Fine. (Rolls eyes) But I think they should be more transparent.

Because of the bus, I can only work certain hours and that might make them not hire me.

Also I don't know anything about tools, but Human Resources said that anyone could apply

So whatever

Four other servants signed up for Tool Rental Lead as of right now

I don't know anything about tools, and no leadership experience but maybe everyone else is no good either

Got no future

Sabotage

on Reddit, there were a couple threads about Tool Rental Lead. only a couple threads, b/c (according to the threads), Tool Rental Lead is a new job @ Home Depot. only one of the thread's Original Posters said that they liked being a Tool Rental Lead.

on the other hand, when i asked Human Resources what the hours were, she said that ASM javier would go over it. (not transparent communication makes me wanna puke!). b/c of the bus, i can only come to work 10am to 5pm. so maybe javier will tell me that i can't do Tool Rental Lead b/c i can't come to work that early or late. (and i am NOT going to get a car or move closer to work, b/c i could get made redundant altogether any day now.)

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zero "friends", zero hobbies, dumpster fire "job".

"trust vs mistrust"

It never does get better, does it?

pokey

"It never does get better, does it?"

if you say "never" and there is one exception, the whole statement is false.

"better" is subjective. it is not possible to objectively measure "quality" per se.

Still haven't heard from Tool Rental

On the other hand, whatever

It's probably outside my availability anyways

And Buddha knows how hard it is to learn about all of the tools and deal with angry customers

May fourth, 2025

Still haven't heard from Tool Rental

That could be a good or bad thing

Just like everything else

(Rolls eyes)

I think the only job in the building that suits my personality is Bookkeeper but the HR said nobody is going to work in Back Office anymore, not even the current Back Office associates

may fifth

haven't heard from Tool Rental.

they might not offer it to me. they might hire someone else.

besides, even if they do offer it to me, the hours might not be doable for me b/c of the bus schedule.

besides, Tool Rental Lead is a new job @ home depot and even Reddit only has a couple of posts, so i have no clue what is good or bad about it, or how badly/well i would do with it, given autism.

on the other hand, Tool Rental does not require lifting fifty pounds.

so whatever.

sooner or later, won't be able to lift fifty pounds. and that's pretty soon, like weeks or months. there is no way i could be 68 like Old Man Roy. good old old man Roy ALWAYS loads heavy rocks for me and has NOT ONCE made a wrong/bad statement about me, or anything like that.

granted i know nothing about tools or leadership, but HR said anyone could apply, so whatever.

May 30, 2025

Today ASM Gabriel took me to the ASM office and told me that I didn't get a job interview for Tool Rental because I got a write up and I am not eligible to apply for higher paying jobs until the write up falls off in six months

(Rolls eyes)

(Puke)

@shortfatbalduglyman
Maestro,

Much love and compassion to you.
We loved the shawshank redemption film and it's iconic line: "get busy living or get busy dying"
but before we can start to to this, we need to "overcome"/"wade through" the personal issues we all face to be able to get "busy" in either sense...
Some people's initial issues are immense and some seem born with a 'advantages', the lesson life thought me is that we are all (NT or ND) Sisypus and no matter our individual charge, the best we can ever do is imagine ourselves happy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9elzJq ... aGFwcHk%3D

Good luck on your journeys wherever they take you.
Kada

if i haven't gotten any more write ups by november, the write up will have fallen off and then my worthless corpse will be eligible to apply for jobs @ home depot with a higher salary. otherwise, home depot will drag my worthless corpse out the building.

on the other hand, some articles claim that home depot "rehires" employees that they themselves made redundant. (i don't understand - "leave of absence" is up to three months. so that's just two consecutive leaves of absence - not that bad.)

right now, i'm only eligible to transfer to Cashier, which i don't wanna do b/c of fear of angry customers. (rolls eyes).

oh well - "life" goes on and on and on.....

been trying to look up online, companies that are autism friendly. only got a couple answers, and applied to the companies. however, a disproportionate number of those companies too far away or not qualified for the jobs a priori.

(puke!)

on the other hand, maybe my stupid micromanaging boss will have the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant.

then i won't be able to be Cashier or Lot Attendant.

or maybe i will get hit by a car.

things like that happen

constantly outnumbered overpowered outsmarted