My fiancée and uneven relationship.

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I'm sure this topic is as old as dirt. My asd fiancée is same age mid 60s like myself. We have been together 2 years, 3 months. The problem is I love him more than myself. We live at his home, and we split expenses. I put out much more than he. He is a semi retired engineer who has painstakingly saved and invested. We both have an adult child so we will not be marrying. He does not want to because of past failures, I am a widow after 33 years of a happy marriage. I totally respect his decision. He is very tight with money and chastises me when I buy even necessary things. Here's the painful issue. I put so much more of myself into this relationship and do more for him than him me. I don't believe he values me. For instance I'm having foot trouble but he insists on taking his lifted jeep on the weekend instead of his car. Now I just refuse to go with him. Another, we have 3 cars and mine sits out in the rain snow etc and his in the garage. He washes his on weekends but only washed mine once
because I asked. He is complaining more about how I cook even if the chicken is not cut correctly. The house is kept neat and cleaned top to bottom by me 2x a month including all of the furniture. It's immaculate but it's like a game to him to find a piece of dirt! I had an Aerogarden going for 2 mo this and he made me take it down because of the electric (2.75) a month!. Also we never go anywhere tho he took his last GF to Jamaica and Sedona. I ask for nothing. I feel like I'm being used and so hurt. I'm very proud and pay my own bills and my cabin maintenence. I do not want to leave him but I'm wondering if it would be better for our relationship if I go back and live at my cabin. I also don't want him to feel abandoned. Im not sure what to do, how to love him best and love me.

Thank you.

To let you know where I am coming from: I am 63. My first marriage ended in divorce after 25 years in my 40s. My undiagnosed autism caused significant issues in my first marriage; my ex-wife has told me that if we had known that my behaviors which caused her problems were autism related, we could have worked it out. I remarried eight years ago at age 57 to a woman three years older than me. I still had not been diagnosed. Again, my wife has issues stemming from my autistic behavior, but she the NT thinks I autist need to do all the changing. Remarrying late in life is difficult because people are set in their ways, they like what they like and and they want to live how they have lived.

You can ask him to change, but don't be surprised if he can't or won't. That, by way, is applicable to all persons, not just autistic persons.

If you leave, it is at least as likely as he will say good riddance to you as he will feel abandoned.

The last thing I want is for him to be hurt. I understand it is up to me to do most of the adjusting. I honestly wished I knew how not to totally lose my sense of self. If there is any reading material you feel might be beneficial I would dive into it.

From what I see is he has very little trust. I understand why because he was issued altimatives in the past for which he agreed to and didn't go through with them. Then he was abandoned by wife 1 she cheated, wife 2 wanted a different house than the gorgeous home he built himself because he had a woman living in it prior to her, 3rd LTR she wanted to marry he didn't. It's really sad. He has every right not to trust but I get the fallout. I'm sure he gets the same from me but, I trust until someone gives me a reason not to. His amazing qualities are too many to list. It's the push and pull I feel. Thank you for talking with me.

You sound like a patient soul. Best of luck to you both and I hope you make the time to have fun throughout this.