DEAD DEAD DEAD

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I feel dead! I feel like my soul is dead. Not alive. Static. Still. Bored and boring. Depressed and depressing. Sad and saddening. Repulsive and repelled. Depressed, stuck in a black hole or rather a container that's closing in on me.


I post so much about my pathetic-ness that I'll probably get banned, lol, but I don't care any more; if anyone here cares enough about me they'll email me after I'm banned, my email address is ohcrappydays@yahoo.ca. I dread people telling me off. I cringe at angry voices. An unpleasant shock jolts through me when I see an angry or disapproving face or someone giving a dirty look. I'm surrounded by so much negativity; people who think I'm a spoiled brat; I can see it in their eyes-- people who think I'm a cruel and selfish person-- I feel so hypersensitive to that; but I don't want to block stuff out, it will block out the good stuff too! People want me to apologize for being depressed and taht depresses the s**t out of me so much I thought about taking a whole bottle of Celexa and then going out and throwing up all over the place just so that they'd see I needed help.

I'm a moderator and I think there is about a zero percent chance your going to be banned.

Do you have an AS diagnosis? Some of what you have described, I have also experienced. Yet, I don't know if it because of AS or just anxiety, depression, bipolar, or something else psychological.

Nothing is too personal to post in public; I'm a shameless person as you may have noticed. I jsut can't think of anything in particular right now... I have had SO many moments of chagrin/embarrassment/guilt, like for example when I was talking to my friend in here (the guy who drinks and takes Paxil), we were both on computers and I was telling him about my problems, he asked me what my doctor recommended and I said that he recommended calming therapy but that that wouldn't help; it would only make me more depressed because I need stimulation, not sensory deprivation! I don't want quiet or anything like that. I was saying it quite loudly and desperately. The guy who told me off the other day (see my thread in the RD forum "embarrrassing moment at the Y") stood there at his door without opening it, with a stern expression on his face, and looked at me and listened as I spewed the stuff, and I looked up at him and said sorry, and he said "What you need is to stop going in those chat rooms on our computers!" These aren't even chat rooms, they're message boards! Oh well; as you noticed I'm still on here and will continue to come on here until they kick me out of the Y!


EDIT: I am clinically depressed but I don't even know if they diagnosed me with it! Yes, they did prescribe Celexa for me, but only 20 mg/day which I don't think was enough for me so now I'm cheating. I may be bipolar. I'm not diagnosed with anything but AS.

Well, how are you feeling right now?

Good... much better now that I cheated and took the extra Celexa tablet; I think that helped! When you up your dose of citalopram it always makes you at least a bit giddy, but I'm so depressed it jsut makes me feel normal-satisfied-for-now.


I'm very depressing to be around; I know.

There's at least two rather popular threads for people to rant and complain in, they're called 'rants' and something like 'complaints and greivances dept'. I'm sure you'd be most welcome to post in them. I know I have.

Postperson, yeah, I'll post in them! I'm sure I'll find something else to complain about!


I have nothing in my life right now except for this board and my visits to the shrink... he says that what my diagnosis will probably be is a pervasive developmental disorder. What about DEPRESSION? He never mentioned that to me again. I used to think he was so great but I think he's more confused about me now than I thought. The only thing that will calm me down is soemthing STIMULATING. I said it would be nice to join a depressives club, and he just laughed with me as if it was a joke and said, "Yes, that would be good." But when I see him (I might on Monday when I go in for an IQ test I think) I'll tell him that I NEED to join a depressives club! I'm sure they have one at the hospital! Well, maybe not, my Paxil-and-alcohol friend said that he goes to a group at that hospital for people with psych problems-- he is mild bipolar, mild social anxiety and mild OCD-- and they just sit there and BS; I want to be in his group-- I think he seemed to think it was the only one, he said I'd be in his group with him and that we could go together. I remember when we first met, he said that he isn't working and gets over $700 a month from Social Services just until the drugs start working on him and he can work again; I only get less than $500. Why is that? And why didn't they send me to the group like they did him? They didn't even mention it to me! I have to bring this up with my shrink! (EDIT: Maybe you need a diagnosis before they even mention this to you, and I'm still going thru an assessment! But I could still do with being in a depressives club! Why not now?)


I live in a tiny room in the YMCA with my mother, but we get on each other's nerves and are so different from each other that I NEED a room of my own, so I'll tell Social Services on Monday that my mother kicked me out and that I therefore need more money for rent!


They actually say that more females in general are diagnosed with depression than males. Maybe males just don't know how to express it, or maybe the only thing that's making them not depressed is that people expect them to be harder-boiled, which implies confidence in them, and that's what keeps their spirits up.


Thank you so much for reading my rant; I hope you found it really amusing! Just knowing I'm getting this out makes me feel better!

Well, it's better to let it out than let it get to you. Too much cortisol, the stress hormone, can lead to serious consequences. As for your shrink, tell him more about your depressive behavior and that you assume that you have depression. Now I'd like to know more about the relationship in your family. I know that you don't get along well with your mother, but what about your dad, siblings, or anyone in the extended family?

Ana: Vent to your heart's content; if you need to say something here, say it.
If anyone has a problem with what you say, that's their bad luck. A lot of sh*t happens, unbelievable sh*t even, and if it gets to you, have a vent, and talk to someone, and you might feel better. Doctors sometimes know f*ck-all about what to prescribe, and the dose they generally give is a small one to start off with. Psychiatrists are generally only in it for the money, and they blame everything on sex. Good friends, a good ear and a forum are enough, and don't worry about negativity, it's all a crock anyway.

I should write all this down and tell my shrink, yeah... he said when he gave me the ink blot test that there was definitely depression, as if to reassure me that he knew that. Another time when I complained that I was depressed twice during our meeting, he just didn't seem to know what to do, all he could do was make sure I had enough Celexa until he got back from his vacation. Then he said when I complained the second time, "This isn't going to be fast enough for you," and lapsed into thoughtful silence. He seemed confused as to what to do with me! I asked, "What?" He said, "Those pills... they're only supposed to start working after 4 weeks." And then he dropped the subject. He also agreed with me just yesterday that I had lots of depression but not a lot of anxiety... then he dropped the subject. If my mother hadn't told him on my first day there about my shoddy but probably overall accurate (according to her) diagnosis of AS, he probably wouldn't be telling me that it was probably "a pervasive developmental disorder, like Asperger's."


And he said that being a psychologist was what he wanted to do! He was calm and at peace with himself.


I keep thinking about ketamine, an anti-d that's supposed to work in hours and not weeks and have no side effects except psychadelic effects. WHY don't they give that to us?


I am so confused about him!

An anti-depressant that's prescribed here is Efexor (pharmaceutical name is Venlafaxine I think), and is prescribed in doses up to 150 mg (although they can be higher - 300 mg a day is known). They come in different sized tablets (37.5 mg, 75 mg and 150 mg.) Epilim (Sodium Valproate can be prescribed in conjunction, but that's an anti-convulsive. Efexor works quicker than most anti-depressants, but if you miss a dose, nightmares can be a side effect (my partner takes it for hers). It's only initially available from a psychiatrist, but a GP can issue repeat prescriptions. Dunno what the cost would be like over there, and the availability even, but per script it's $30 Aust roughly.

Might help if you can get it.

Thanks for your input; do you think it's really good; does it work? The Celexa works on me I thinl; I just wasn't taking enough of it; all I have to do probably is ask for a higher dose. And all prescription drugs are covered by medicare in Alberta so cost isn't an issue, which is good because if the Celexa doesn't work or wears off I can try them all!


And having you guys talking to me, getting back to me so fast, is really doing good in making me less depressed; it's a great antidepressant in itself that works as well as the Celexa! Or rather, better.