Having a temper

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I really did not think I had a temper or any anger issues for the longest time, because I am incredibly mellow 95% of the time and only get really angry when it’s deserved. Apparently that’s my opinion.

However, I’ve gotten in some pretty nasty online fights, and immediately in both real life and online when things get bad I seek out the lowest blow I can that I think would f**k with them. It is a fight or flight response, but some of the things I’ve gotten in fights over are ridiculous in retrospect.

It’s learned behavior from being verbally abused and beaten by a man who called himself my father, being on the Internet way too young (4chan in single digits) and picking up on NT socialization in the worst ways imaginable that I’ve only remedied through trial and error, and also being so rejection sensitive that anything close to it feels like a knife in my side.

I don’t know I’m expected to remedy having anger issues when everything is getting crappier all the time, I can’t think of a probable solution or way to make it better, and everything is apparently my fault. Most of the time it is. If there’s anyone I should be angry at, it’s myself. Of course unhappy people are angry, but s**t, do I just not talk to people? I already kinda do that and have a very chill job (in terms of no one getting angry at me, there’s other s**t I’m stressed about).

My therapist also left for six months to go to Alaska and I don’t know if he’s coming back. So I am aware of therapy as an option, but I also have the urge to BS new therapists so they’ll like me. Maybe the problem is I am incredibly self-destructive.

You sound like you bottle things up and then it all come outs at once. I get a deep inward bodily fight reaction from anyone who i feel disrespects me. Thank god for the brake part of the brain that stops us doing anything silly.

Ive been told by a psych to work on assertiveness, it might reduce the baseline of anger I feel.

I dont know much about 4Chan apart from the news stories, but I feel its a place where people nurture and encourages others in their shadow self.

Do you keep a journal? I have found that to be one of the most therapeutic things that I have ever done in the past. I particularly like hand writing rather than typing on a screen. I have kept journals that were basically prayer journals and I would just write with no forethought, just allowing my heart to spill out onto the page uninhibited. What was so helpful about that is that it let all of those pent up emotions and all of that energy to be able to be released in a physical and tangible way. That is a great first step to being about to sort through the entanglement and start to heal. What do you think of trying something like that?

You are twenty-two. I'll bet if you worked on handling your own sh-t and adopting a serious program of self-improvement, your anger issues would decrease as your self-esteem increases.

At least you're aware of it now. That's a good sign.

The young men I used to work with at schools and colleges found a practical hobby like carpentry or similar were very calming and helped them get their feelings out.