How do you know if that person is right for you

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I have been told many times by adults when I asked if I ever had a girlfriend, if that person was right for me as far as getting married. I've gotten the same response, "When the time is right, you will know. You won't need to ask anyone, you will just know." What is that supposed to mean? That does not tell me anything.

Last edited by aaronkt on 20 Jul 2005, 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

Annoyingly vague but true I'm afraid... the right one *feels* right - and it isn't something easily put into words unfortunately. But if it happens to you, you will know.

Dunc

I certainly hope you're wrong on that one, or at least it isn't universal, because I second-guess everything. I'm too intellectual and paraniod, so while on an emotional level I'm glad to be in the relationship I'm currently in, on an intellectual level I'm waiting for it to fail and on a paranoid level I'm thinking of my mother's track record for dating men who weren't healthy for her and being unaware of it, and wondering if I'm like that. I don't know if this will ever change, but I think all it will do is lessen, if anything at all.

Er, I strongly doubt its universal - there aren't many things that are - and I can only really speak for myself. It feels true to me, but I can't speak for everyone.

Dunc

That really isn't a very helpful answer, but an all-too-common answer I'm afraid.

And I'm afraid it too often leads to a scenario of, "gee, I always dreamed of finding a woman who is 5'8", slender but with a womanly figure, brown eyes, straight brown hair -- and here she is!" Nope. Don't go there. A checklist of physical characteristics is not the way to choose a marriage partner.

Also the "You won't need to ask anyone" myth... it's not good to choose a marriage partner based on a case of raging hormones and sexual attraction, when you want someone so bad you refuse to listen to anyone who tries to tell you to slow down and think about whether this is the right choice for you.

Look for someone who shares your interests and lifestyle. Shared interests are a good place to start, but really not enough. Suppose both he and she are really into music -- great! But suppose she stays out all Saturday night playing in a band in a bar, and he spends Sunday morning singing in church choir. It could work, but it's going to be a conflict, and maybe it would be better to look for someone with a more compatible lifestyle. Think about your goals in life and the way you want to live your life, and don't assume that the other person will automatically agree if they "love" you. (Remember, they have their own goals and lifestyle.)

When you marry someone, you are going to be spending a lot of time with that person. Are you going to find plenty of things that you really enjoy doing together? Or are you going to wish that person was out of the way so you could go and do things with someone who really shares your interests? Is that person going to end up wishing YOU were out of the way because he/she is tired of going out and doing things alone that you aren't interested in?

And when you decide to spend your evening together in front of the TV, are you going to be able to come up with anything that both of you want to watch? Is that going to work for you week after week, year after year...

When you find the right person, you should feel comfortable and relaxed, and you should be enjoying doing a lot of things together.

You're lucky, I guess. If there was a way to statistically figure out where I was in the rank of indecsiveness of my peers, I'd score pretty high. I think. I'd kind of hope you're more typical than I am. Relationship agnosticism is not fun.



That's a more hopeful point of view, IMO, though some may find it depressing. It's analytical, yes, but this appeals to my nature- weighing the information, not the chemicals bombarding your brain.

Good thing I have zero interest in marriage...

Uh huh. And then you look around at the 50% divorce rate and wonder just how well they understand their own advice....

I'm not interested in marriage and probably never will be, but I agree with what's been said already: much safer to balance out your decision by getting at least a little advice from other people.

75% of those divorces result from substance abuse, or at least in America. Another good suggestion: Don't do drugs! (Then you'll have over a 63% chance of it working out!)

Marriage Shmarriage.

Speaking as someone who has been married for a logn time and is currently experienceing some of the issues that don't show up until many years down the road, I would say that the advice that would have been most valuable to me is as follows:

1) Make sure that your partner understands your strengths and weaknesses. Trying to be what you think they want you to be to make them like you more is a VERY bad idea. It's natural to put on your best behavior early on, but don't even think about marriage if you feel like there are things about you that they would never accept if they knew. Talk about it and find out if they can accept who you are. Do NOT make assumptions in this area.

2) Your partner should appreciate and even cherish most of your quirks. For example, if you have problems with being obsessive, and your partner finds it annoying in the first 6 months you know each other, then don't assume that they will get used to it later. These things just get worse over time. I think the ideal would be to find someone with the same, or comparable quirks of their own, so that you both feel good about being with someone who actually understands what it's like to have these kinds of issues.

3) They say that opposites attract, and there is certainly some truth to that when you can compensate for each others weaknesses, but opposites also can get very annoyed at each other. If you sense difference of interests or opinions in areas that are very important to you personally it doesn't mean that the relationship won't work, but it DOES mean that you should talk about it and see how your partner feels about the differences. Compromise can be a wonderful way of showing your love for each other, but only if it is offered willingly. If you feel pressured into compromising about things that are very important to you, you are just asking for trouble down the road.

I think that if you work through these kind of things as part of building a relationship to begin with, and you are able to reach agreement and understanding, then you WILL just know if the person is right for you. If you haven't worked through these things, then you "just knowing" could end up being a very short-sighted attempt to relieve lonliness rather than a heart felt certainty that you have found a good partner.

Just my 2 cents worth...

Brian

Good point, and I also think this needs to go beyond just _talking_ to the other person about such differences. If the other person is saying, "Hmmm, I see your point. We'll find a way to work it out," be sure and evaluate on your own whether the other person really seems to be trying to find a way to "work it out," or if they are just stalling, thinking that you will get over your silly ideas as time goes by.

I think my gut would tell me.

If it's my heart telling me, how do I know it's not just a bad case of indigestion.

That's an awesome way to put it.

at this point in my life I don't actually believe that there is anyone that's 'right' for me, in fact one thing about this board that confuses me is that people talk in terms of 'getting a date' or finding someone or some such - it's a mystery to me, I can't even contemplate it.

the whole process of how I got on to this board and in fact discovered anything about aspergers and how it may relate to me came from meeting someone who could not possibly have been more 'right' for me and it still going disastrously and painfully wrong in a very short space of time

I embarked on a serious quest to finally 'fix' myself of the percieved inadequacies and failings that had plagued my whole life and saw a therapist and went on self-development workshops and so forth but none of it worked and then someone suggested asperger's and here I am so I don't believe in the 'right' person anymore I'm afraid, I'm the wrong person, it's not a case of 'will they put up with my obsessions/behaviours etc?', it's much deeper than that, it's a fundamental inability to be close to someone, to communicate myself, to relax, whatever you want to call it, at the moment I can't do it so don't talk to me about the 'right' person please