I see my life falling apart

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I'm 54 and I found out to be AuDHD 2 years ago. It finally explained why I felt an alien for my whole life but it's also been like awakening in car running at crazy speed without any clue about how to drive it.
Married for 30 years, toxic relationship, a wife that wish me dead but is not accepting to divorce because of her fear of poverty and the insane economic commitments that we took. I work for an IT consulting firm, that gives me a salary above the average but it also drains all my energy because of the high level of masking. No friends, because I've always been an introvert and my wife managed all my social life, and she cut out all my friends because they did not fit her ever-changing mood. I joined an autistic community recently and I found incredible that someone could share the same problems, the same feelings that I had for years. But we are not easy and most of us have problems in their lives. But now that I understood that deep connections with humans are possible, I really miss them
Suicidal for years. In and out psychotherapy for the last 3-4 years. It's slowly helping to awake, but not to change direction. Who else should I ask for help in UK?

Your wife may criticize you, but when she is saying “you” she is thinking “me”.

My wife and I have had many ups and downs. Actively engaging in empathy is hugely important. Empathy is hard when there is conflict. Conflict is always about needs.

I keep this list in my phone. It helps me be aware of my needs. It also helps me become more aware of my wife’s needs.

HALT (When Needs are not met)
Hungry (or Hurting) Angry Lonely Tired

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
05 Self-Actualization
Desire to become all that one can be
04 Esteem
Respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, freedom
03 Love and Belonging
Friendship, intimacy, family (sometimes sexual), sense of connection
02 Saftey Needs
Personal security, employment, resources, health, property
01 Physiological Needs
Air, water, food, shelter, sleep, clothing, (sexual) reproduction

In 30 years a lot happened. Now I can see all my errors. I don't blame her for her owns. I don't even have bad feelings for her. Maybe, it would be easier if I had. Maybe I would be more consistent in setting my boundaries. I just don't think that this toxic relationship can be fixed. None of us wants to spend any energy in that. And, as she does not respect my boundaries, her presence became intolerable to me. I wish her happiness, but far from me

You can file for divorce & eventually have a judge approve it even if she is fighting against that. It sounds to me like the relationship is very abusive & she is trying to isolate you from your support network.

Are there any new hobbies you want to try? If your marriage has truly fallen apart then at least this might be an opportunity to explore new things as a single person, for example hobbies and travel that you have never had a chance to do before. Trying new things could be an opportunity to meet people and form connections

I second this. How can you recover yourself while staying in a relationship that is draining the life out of you?
Have a long think about what you want and need and how you can get there, and why you want to stay in a relationship with someone who no longer loves you.

I do hope things improve for you. I was stuck in a similar situation for a while but doing better now. It can get better, just takes a bit of time.

Reformatting and rephrasing Crisv’s original concerns

1. Why do I always feel like I'm misunderstood?
2. How can I cope with sensory overload in crowded places?
3. Does anyone else struggle with maintaining friendships due to social anxiety?
4. What are some strategies to handle sudden changes in routine?
5. Is there a way to explain my needs to others without feeling guilty?
6. How do I deal with meltdowns effectively?
7. Can anyone recommend calming techniques for overwhelming situations?
8. Does therapy really help with managing autistic traits?
9. What are some practical tips for improving communication skills?

Crisv - is this a reasonable restatement?

It's been a while since I realised that a divorce is needed. I went through 2 therapy rounds. I can't understand why I don't just it.