Feelings for a woman

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I’m 48 and never had or wanted a girlfriend. Every now and then in my life however I have developed a crush on someone and it’s really painful for me. I thought I was a heterosexual subset of asexual but now I’m not too sure. I have developed feelings for someone I work with but they are very happy in a relationship. I feel so sad and I yearn for them. But, even if they were willing and available I’m not sure that I would cope with or understand a relationship anyway. I need to feel loved and validated by someone I guess but as a loner by nature I’m not sure that I’d be a very good partner because I need so much alone time. Does anyone have any advice or insights into what could be happening to me? I feel so bad right now.

Hey, sorry to hear that. Unrequited love is rough.

I don't know what to do about the loner part. I need my alone time, but also need to feel loved and validated. Maybe the potential partners similar to us are doing the same thing we're doing, so we don't find each other.

No idea what to do about the crush. Maybe write down how you're feeling so you can see it entirely and/or stop spending time around them. You could also "talk" it out here on the forum

That all just sounds miserable and I'm sorry it's happening to you.

The crush on someone in a relationship is a rotten position to be in, for anyone. You mentioned that you've had crushes in the past and I was just wondering what happened to those? Did they just fade away with time? I wondered if there was any comfort in that thought, that these things tend to be transient?

For me, historically crushes only go away when I stop seeing the person in question. That's no fun either, but its the easiest and quickest way to put them to bed, imo. But maybe that's not possible if you're working together?

The more complicated bit is you not know whether or not you'd be able to have a relationship with your other needs. I think the answer to that is probably, you're not going to know until you try. The only advice I can give there is to be painfully honest with the other person in that relationship. You seem to know yourself pretty well and that's half the battle, I think. If you know what you need then you can communicate that to others. I suppose just be aware that everyone has a slightly different understanding of what constitutes a romantic relationship and maybe your expectations are on the fringes of that. It doesn't mean its not possible, just that you need to find the right person.

@GeordieGent

I fully concur with DuckHairback; as he stated you know yourself well, so open humble and honest communication is a absolute requirement, but once this is established and you have together build up some trust, you have a steady home to go to another brain to help tackle to chaos life offers us.
I personally made the mistake of allowing my wife to become my "special-interest" and this excuse my term here, "royally screwed up" our relation, so having strong feelings for someone has for me become a counter indication.
What I mean is if I notice myself obsessing over a person, I will not engage romantically. Instead I make sure that me and them can be friends, i.e. honest, open communication is possible and if this fits, tentatively I'll allow myself to try the next step.
In your situation indeed as Duck suggested avoiding them for a bit usually helps, but if you're facing them daily this can be troublesome.

best of luck,
Kada

Wish I had known this was a danger back in my late teens and twenties. I definitely killed a few relationships over this and didn't understand what I was doing wrong or how to fix it.

I can relate to your feelings. I've thought a lot over the years about why I find relationships so difficult. Intimacy of any kind is a tremendous strain on cognitive resources, an enormous processing burden; I think too I have difficulty navigating the boundary between self and other, and this is part of why I find romantic feelings especially painful, confusing, and exhausting.

However, there are things that I have learnt from intimacy, about myself and being human, that I am glad to have learnt, although I am not stronger or happier for having learnt them.

If you feel that perhaps you are lonely (beyond your feelings for this particular person), maybe it's worth thinking about what you might want from a relationship, rather than what you think you should offer. Maybe you want a committed relationship in which you meet once a month, or once every six months; maybe you want the chance to explore your own responses without knowing in advance what you will feel or what you will have to give; maybe you want something scrupulously defined and delineated, with neatly set out rights and obligations...

Personally, I tend to think that loneliness means that there is something in us that is ready for a little more suffering a cautious step outside the comfort zone.

You might not be lonely at all, of course! Sometimes we just meet someone and feel a strong sense of connection. That's rare and precious, even if things don't go our way and we have to sit back and smile or sigh at the vagaries of this floating world.

As for being a good partner, there's no standard you have to meet beyond honesty and compassion. To identify what you want or need, and find a means of communicating it; to be prepared to listen to what the other person wants or needs, and either accommodate it or draw a line in the sand, depending on what is right for you - it's enough. (Not enough to safeguard from pain, awkwardness or exhaustion, but enough to explore the world of romance with one's head held high.)

Of course, that is very general and very trite. As for your specific situation, I don't know what to say, except that I am very sorry that you are in such a painful position.

They call it a crush for a reason; it feels like its crushing you. I feel the crush when I admire someone who would not admire me back, if they knew the real me. So, I just admire quietly. It is traumatic when you have feelings for someone and you see them realize it and watch them go cold. If your crush is in a relationship, that will be the inevitable outcome of revealing romantic feelings. And if it isn't, that's bad, too. One of my crushes tried to have me in secret from his partner, and that hurt worse than the crush--being used as a fantasy, a temporary distraction. Trust me, you don't want that. When it's over, they will go back to their relationship and you will be crushed twice as bad as before.

I have willingly become the third wheel for couples (asexually) that have a good energy. Yes, I crushed on them, but it was what they had together than I craved, not just a person. And they enjoyed my company as a witness to their happiness. Perhaps what you yearn for in this person is what they have become in relationship, not so much what they are? Feeling the crush is a good moment to realize that you want something with someone like that, and that's the goal, to find your complement, yes?