parents

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2015, mom dropped dead @ 66 from stroke.
2020, dad dropped dead @ 71 from colon cancer.

it's been ten and five years and still think about them every day.

when they were alive, i was angry @ them for:

not sending me to get an autism diagnosis before 18
the way they overreacted to Gender Identity Disorder
not letting me take martial arts
refusing to say "excuse me" instead of "ha?".
things like that.

2025 and i'm still angry.

42 years old, FTM, always been single, zero "friends", zero children. my sister has her own family.

in their defense, i am amazed @ how well they managed their $$$$. one preschool teacher and one warehouse worker. paid for a family of four, mortgage, cars. i don't understand how they did it.

Suppression

Repression

Living in the past

Reliving

It is better to fail to move forward than to succeed at moving backwards

Adapt improvise overcome

"your sister is so smart. why are you not like that?".

(rolls eyes)
(puke)

academic pressure to be a dr, lawyer or engineer

all that time, $$$ and energy wasted and i am just a lot attendant.

Let go of the past

Give up all hope for a better past

It is better to fail to move forward than to succeed at moving backwards

You can't change the past

Here and now

I just hate the way my old man had the nerve to tell me "don't always be so mad at us. We did our best".
Yes , and I also did my "best" at structural engineering and I didn't get that degree, job , license, skill or anything like that

It is better to do your best than do your worst but that doesn't guarantee the outcome. Nor should it

"no use crying over spilled milk."

42 always been single, zero children, zero "friends".

sandwich generation

both "parents" dropped dead a long time ago.

It feels like most people have this love hate relationship with their parents

I only found mine in the last 18 months and I feel exactly the same (for different reasons)

I seriously would never have dreamt it would be this way

my old man and old woman did NOT waste over $100,000 for me to waste over six years @ ucsd to get a useless degree in cognitive science.

if they knew i was working @ home depot as a lot attendant, they would be rolling over in their graves.

____________________________________________________

also, they made me so uptight and afraid of everything.

they kept telling me about bad things that could happen.

they never taught me some "life skills": cooking, sewing, fixing house, social, emotional.

Been thinking about them every single day

42, "parents" dead, zero children, zero "friends", always been single

Sandwich generation

Sandwich with no bread

Everything seems random and meaningless

Everyone especially myself seems stupid and silly

around the major holidays, (thanksgiving, christmas, new years), feel especially lonely and left out and et cetera.

my "parents" never accepted me the way i was, (even though they "came around" to being transsexual). they always had the nerve to ask "why" this and "can you" that. (manipulative).

they didn't believe some things i said, even though they were correct. such as the fact that i could not "just sleep" @ any time (unlike them) and that i was in the litterbox trying to litterbox, for a long time (not just reading a book).

still think they owe me an apology though.

i'll never get to self actualize b/c of them.

sometimes i think about the "good" things my "parents" allegedly did.

sometimes i think about the "bad" things they allegedly did.

did they do them in the first place? maybe i remembered it the wrong way. (selective memory). everyone has subconscious biases.

nobody is perfect. there is no such thing as perfection. and even if there was, then what? "whooptie do".

there is no objective method of measuring the quality of parenting.

overthinking

i just have to stop thinking about them altogether. (compartmentalization)

"thin line between love and hate"

lately, been trying to avoid extreme emotions, positive and negative. b/c extreme emotions often cause regretted actions and statements. so whatever.

"here and now" mantra

dreamt that i was looking for my old man and old woman and they were right there.

Now that I am on my own I realize how expensive everything is and maybe I should have been more reasonable to the old woman and old man

But it's too late now because they dropped dead

Whatever

"Life" goes on and on and on and on and on