I'm planning to tell my parents I'm on the spectrum

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They don't know, and they hold a lot of the typical misconceptions on the topic. They do recognize that my brother is on the spectrum (though he himself denies it), but then my brother has always been fairly low-masking and is something of a walking Asperger's stereotype. He's the type of person who doesn't give a damn what other people think of him and has always embraced his eccentricities regardless of the social consequences.

I've kept my diagnosis from them because I fully expect them to think it's nonsense. They seem to perceive that I'm the more "normal" of their sons, despite the fact that I faced a ton of problems in school and continue to face challenges as an adult (indeed, there are areas where I have more difficulty than my brother). And my mom has repeatedly said she believes autism diagnoses are being handed out willy-nilly to "normal" kids and adults.

Nevertheless, I believe I can sit them down and convince them. I'm planning to explain to them how masking works (and make a point of the fact that strong language skills like mine--which they're well aware of--are a factor in camouflaging autistic traits) and how it makes autistic people seem more "normal" but also effects a psychological toll on them that has often led them to be misdiagnosed with other conditions (as I was when I was a kid). This framing should appeal to them, because it acknowledges the very thing that I think fuels some of their skepticism of the expanded definition: the idea that schools are quick to slap labels on kids for any perceived nonconformity to rigid expectations. I want to make them see that the expanded definition is in fact a corrective to that problem, not a continuance of it.

I also want to point to various things about me and my past that do show I'm on the spectrum, but which I think they've been somewhat blind to--and perhaps in denial of.

I'm visiting them in a couple of weeks, and I want to have this conversation with them then--in person, not over the phone or on Zoom. I'm still preparing what I intend to say. Anyone who has suggestions (or anything else you wish to share), I'm all ears.

My parents didn't really accept the diagnosis. In their mind, autistic people can't do all the things I can do, so they were just like, "ok honey" and then didn't talk about it again. I've had more success with telling them when I'm having a sensory overload: "It's too loud for me," "I can't actually talk to you while the TV is also on," "I can't really participate in two conversations at the same time," "Can I turn the sound off?", and I do it over and over again (multiple times a day). They have to decide for themselves that you have autism. At this point, I'm either autistic or really annoying.

My brother is 100% disabled.
He's not autistic at all.
In my family, my mother herself has Asperger's, so I won't list them because there are so many, including the low-functioning ones.

It happens when you (maybe it's yours, maybe not) are born after your brother.

And in my case, I was born to be the perfect son (for them).
Of course, perfection isn't human, not even among the NT.

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My loved ones know about the diagnoses very well (there are many more; I participated in a scientific study between Italy and Miami).

You know what happens: they know it very well and are surprised that I don't cover up for you as they would like.

My girlfriend accompanied me to several appointments and diagnoses, my brother too, and qualified people came to my house to explain it.

Result?
We are too; everyone has difficulties and, in short, denial.

I explain that my level of pervasiveness isn't low.

But it's high.

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Stereotypes: I learned to read at 4 years old.
I speak quickly, I have an IQ that perhaps if they were all put together they wouldn't reach. I'm sociable, even if I pay for it.
I could do any type of job I have the skills for, and I possess some of them because I know how to organize people in their work tasks.

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At school, I did my homework in real class, just as I saw it.

But then they gave me even more.

At the umpteenth point, I asked if I could leave the classroom because of interactional stress. I'm bothered by noises, LED lights, and fluorescent lights.
I have a host of sensory issues, one foot is a bit crooked because until recently I walked on tiptoe.

I was a hikikomori for years, but I studied everything.

I have qualifications.

The point is, they don't accept you for who YOU ​​are.
For who I am.

The list of flaws could go on.

I have an AI-like memory.

But is that a virtue? Maybe not so much.

If I interact with people or even if I don't speak, they understand something but can't explain it to each other.

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You could perhaps do three things:
1) Tell them after contacting the doctors who diagnosed you and ask if they can explain it to them online (if they're far away).
2) Don't tell them at all: because, after all, what good would it do?

3) Tell your brother... so that he can be a pointer to your parents.

We have a phrase that illustrates this: "None are so deaf as he who will not hear," which expresses the same idea of ​​an adamant refusal to understand.

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Everyone becomes equal when faced with death.
They call it the law of the level.
You know the ones used to find perfect horizontality and verticality in things.

I'd say we'll all end up horizontal, sooner or later... or in a small amphora with ashes mixed with those of other human beings.

That was the gist.
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“We can't expect things to change if we keep doing the same things. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
(Albert Einstein)

I hope it goes well for you.

Just an update: the meeting with my parents went a lot better than I expected. The moment I told them, they immediately accepted it as valid and didn't even seem all that surprised. I still went ahead with the presentation, and they did find it informative and helpful.

Will you rent me your parents?

You know, people like that need to be protected in a world that's increasingly foolish and intolerant and doesn't accept facts.

We are the Pandas who even lack that cute face.
Even the dark spots embedded in their fur.

But we're those pandas anyway: some deny that pandas exist...
I read somewhere that they'll become human and autistic, not even a little bit, as they write here on a sympathology thread.

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I'm very happy to read such a serene post: fantastic!

H.F.

My Dad was totally disinterested and didn't want to waste time listening.

Note: I was diagnosed a few days before my 65th birthday so he was around 90 when I tried telling him. I think from his standpoint it probably just sounded like some newfangled fad that didn't really matter.

I think it's normal for someone so old to have such a reaction.

Let's realize that we've done almost nothing to truly provide adequate information about autism.
And even repeatedly changing existing DSMs...that was a mistake.

Also because, in light of subsequent research and what will be added, that latest DSM will become obsolete.

Hopefully, we won't have to wait for two more.

I think an older person has grown up with their sometimes rigid beliefs on certain topics.
Also because, they've often experienced wars, momentous changes, changes in their routines, and finding themselves in a society completely different from the one they were accustomed to as young people.
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In Italy, you know, having been a Fascist nation, we were very convinced of this orientation (I believe it still is): films were made about Fascism, and even older people greeted the actor who played Mussolini as if he had materialized again.

They gave him the Fascist salute, which in our country is, among other things, an apology for a crime.
The elderly think about things differently than we do.

And we have never helped them understand aspects that didn't concern them in their time.

*I've often written to a friend who organizes conferences on autism to raise awareness by providing them with real information: using language free of acronyms, free of walls, barriers to understanding.

If we expect others to do it for us, even doctors, then we're starting off as losers all along.

They'll use incomprehensible terminology.

People will only listen to you if you can express a concept in words for them. understandable, using their language and not ours, which is cumbersome and sometimes overly structured, simply sticky.

My father did the same thing when the specialist came to our house.
I was hikikomori.
He tried to create an environment totally hostile to dialogue, among other things.
She asked me: does your father really love you?

I replied: I don't know, but I think he doesn't understand that I can't solve my problem alone.

I tried medication: useless.
A psychotherapist: Useless.

It was his illness that unlocked me, because in the meantime I studied vascular surgery (he had a heart problem) and I made appointments for him over the phone at three high-level hospitals.
One answered yes.

I hadn't left the house for a year.
I went to get my hair cut.
Then I told him I'd accompany him 1,000 km away. By plane, then by car.

I did it, and from there I tried to solve my problem again.
I succeeded, but it took time.

I did it alone, but an important relationship helped me.

I realized that this was just one piece of an even more complex puzzle.

Participate in 2 conversations? I can't be in the same room! Was at the in-laws recently, TV up loud (he's half deaf) then her phone goes and it's blabber blabber blabber and I've got to find another space

For me the biggest help (well maybe after the medication but even that I'm not yet fully convinced) is the more or less self derived introspective understanding, to be able to reconcile your flaws differences and permit yourself to control situations rather than thinking you have to cope because it's not a problem for anyone else.

Well done OP, must be daunting. I doubt I'll ever tell my mum!

I'm glad the unveiling went well. There's a big difference between a school deciding a diagnosis for a person and that person deciding for himself. It sounds like your parents agreed and knew you are the best authority on your own self.

Double Retired- I wonder what else your 90 year old might see as a passing fad. It's hard to argue. The rest of us can't see things from the perspective of a person who has seen that much of life.

I don’t think you have to be 90 to feel that way. I am 68 and have been excited or worried about a lot of things that I assumed were fundamental changes that ended up being fads. If it were not for getting diagnosed in my mid 50s opening my eyes to the idea that things that seemingly come out of nowhere may have always been here I would have been that person who thought autism and transgender were fads.

In my dozen years here I found there no way to predict how people are going to react if you come out as autistic. While being an open minded person and younger increases the odds of acceptance it is far from a guarantee.