Being Excluded in Friendships

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So every time I make new friends the same pattern happens. The friends start hanging out with other people in the group and excluding me. Then they just ghost me and forget about me. I think a lot of it could be ableism and them not wanting to hang out with an autistic person. They may not get my sense of humor since I don't change my tone. It is very hurtful and frustrating to me because I want nothing more than to have long term friendships that don't just end.

I met some people from a facebook group who were looking for folks to do trivia with. They are a lesbian couple (I am a lesbian) and they posted about needing queer trivia friends in a queer womens facebook group. I love trivia so I reached out and we started doing trivia regularly. Another girl responded to the post and goes to trivia with us also. This was earlier this year and not we are all friends and have done other activities outside trivia including weekly board game nights at the couples apartment and baseball games and the pride parade as a group. They are also having a friendsgiving at their place next week so I look forward to it. All lots of fun and I am always so happy to meet new friends but now I am seeing the couple hang out with this other girl and not invite me over and over again. Two weekends in a row I ran into the three of them. Once at a queer comedy show and the next weekend at a pumpkin patch. It hurt being excluded from these hangouts and I know they have hung out as a trio and not invited me multiple other times. They talked about it at the game night how they went to a hockey game together, went to a rocky horror show together, karaoke etc. I made it known I would love to join them in the future because I would love to go to a hockey game and comedy shows etc in the future. They said in January they wanted to go to another hockey game so hopefully they will invite me and not exclude me again.


I know what it looks like that maybe shes a unicorn and they are in some kind of a throuple. I do not think that is the case but I know you never know someones dymanic. But they are clearly all better friends if they keep hanging out as a trio and not inviting me along. It just sucks because this happens in every new friend group I join and I get forgotten about and I worry thats whats happening. I will add that they all live close to each other which could be a big part of it, I live about 25 minutes away but I have a car and am fine driving over to them. I also do not drink and they all do and I do not use any substances either. Maybe this is a part of it. I want to start initiating get togethers which could help rather than waiting for them to reach out and invite me to stuff besides the game nights and events that everyones invited. I will reach out and say what are you up to this weekend because my thought is the girl probably reaches out to the couple and initiates hangouts and I need to work on initiating so that will help. What I know I shouldn't do is ask them why they keep hanging out without me. That would make things worse and put them in an uncomfortable position potentially ending the friendship altogether. I suggested doing a holiday hangout last time I saw them at the monthly game night last weekend and they both said they are super busy around the holidays and I worried they were making excuses and would end up going to a tree lighting with that girl and not inviting me. I see on their social media when they all hang out and it makes me feel so left out. They have all these inside jokes that I am not a part of too it sucks. My question to all of you is what do I do? Do I just continue to hang out with them at the game nights and enjoy it while initiating hangouts and not being hurt if they say they are busy? I just really do not want another case of meeting new friends and then being ghosted like all the other times.

I can't offer any advice but I have had similar situations that still hurt to this day.

When I first started at the job I'm in now, I started with another girl who also didn't know anybody there, but she fitted in much better than I did. She was quite loud yet aloof at the same time, and she was a "queen bee" type who stole the spotlight.

She often was invited out for social activities with three of the guys there, and one October she and three other guys there had five tickets to this Halloween show but they didn't know who to give the fifth ticket to. I hinted that I loved that sort of thing, in the hope that they'd include me, but instead they gave it to this other girl who became part of their group even though she worked in a different department to us. Both girls would rather talk to each other than to me. I felt so left out, because being invited out with coworkers was something I've always wanted to do, and they were all of a similar age to me.

In a way I was quite relieved when the queen bee girl left, because that freed up a bit of the spotlight for me. But about a year later I found out that the queen bee girl got diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I was like, how? I always saw her as the typical extroverted NT girl who knew how to make friends. I mean I'm an extrovert with ADHD too yet I'm quieter.

I guess anyone could be autistic these days. But anyway, so yeah, I've even been in competition with another Aspie lol, even though I actually pride my social skills as rather satisfactory. So I just go around feeling hurt that I can be such a social failure.

^ I'm sorry thats happened to you too, hate that you hinted you loved Halloween shows and they still didn't invite you. Its interesting you mention she ended up being diagnosed with Autism and ADHD because I have a feeling this girl they keep inviting might also be autistic. At my work these two girls in the office and our boss often hangout and don't invite others but with that I don't care because I don't like one of the girls at all because shes very bossy and demanding and just gossips all the time. They invited me out a few times but then I stopped going because I could not stand her. Luckily my boss still acts like their boss and does not favor the two ladies in either way. Thank you for your comment, I am glad I am not alone in feeling this and hope you can be included at work as you deserve it.

How are they towards you when you go to the quiz nights and stuff

^ Thank you for asking this because I wanted to touch on that too. So the trivia we go to is the kind where you hand write the answers no phones allowed. I do not have the best handwriting especially when I rush and at trivia I tend to want to write fast since its fast paced and one of the girls in the couple gives me a hard time on that and is always like you need to write neat. I want to call her out on that and mention my motor difficulties and going to an OT as a kid because I have struggled with motor skills my whole life and those comments are hurtful to me and triggering. She is not wrong per se since the other team grading will not be able to read the answers that are not legible I get it I should slow down. So other people like her her gf or the other girl write the answers down since another team grades it and of course they need to be able to read it. No problem I'd rather not be the writer anyway but we have a scratch paper where we write down answers so the other team does not hear and so I write stuff on the scratch paper since I am very good at trivia and know the answers to a lot of the questions, specifically pop culture and music as those are my special interests. Another girl who had joined us before made fun of me and called me a corporate stooge for liking mainstream pop and that hurt too but luckily she has not been around. It felt like they were siding with the other girl they hang out with and saying I need to slow down so the other girl who is writing can get everything down. To give context there is a segment in trivia where they play 10 songs back to back so its fast paced and I have a gift where I know a song within the first second of it playing so I write it down quickly on the scratch paper. It just felt like they were siding with her and giving me a hard time when its just trivia and we are all there to have fun of course I want to write neat and organized and do not want to shout out the answer so others can hear. They shushed me before for saying the answer out loud, I did not shout it but they thought it was loud and the other teams could steal and I do struggle with volume control and got excited because I was a huge fan of said actress who the answer was. Another thing is they have just taken the scratch paper and pen away from me so in the future I will bring my own since I work in an office and have tons of scratch papers and pens. Thats rude for them to just take it like that. They should be thankful to me for knowing many of the answers they do not know. They also tell me I am wrong a lot when I know the answer is right and it ends up being right. So yeah not the greatest and I feel ganged up on but this could just be me not understanding social cues. I know my handwriting could be better, when I write slow it is pretty nice and legible. My boss at work gives me a hard time about it, teachers did in school, so it does not help when she tells me constantly to write neater. But I want to mention how its triggering to me and I am doing my best. I know all the music answers and they should be appreciative and kind. Also I feel like I am being laughed at for ordering food which could be in my mind but I am self conscious with food and being fat shamed and when I offer it I feel like they get almost mad and don't say thanks for offering. Like I eat my dinner at trivia night and order a lot because I like trying multiple dishes and get hungry and taking things to work the next day. Why is that funny? Also it feels polite to offer them some appetizers and they almost seem annoyed I offer idk. We have not gone to trivia in a while maybe thats for the best.

Oh you've got a lot going on there

I'm sorry you're getting picked on by your friends

I'm sure they want you around still though

I think that some people are casually rude to each other and perceive it as mate-y.

Do you think it could it be a case of lack of consideration rather than intentional rudeness?

If so it is unintentional rudeness, which of course is still rudeness.

Would you be comfortable talking to them about it?

I'm sorry friendships on the spectrum are so difficult.

You deserve to be treated with consideration by your friends.

This is a great point, yes I think its the casually making fun of your friends thing that people who are friends do but as an autistic person I do not get that because I was bullied all my life. So I cannot tell the difference. Its probably unintentional rudeness which like you said is still rude. I still do not like them commenting on my handwriting when we go to trivia its rude and i have motor issues. They also laugh at me when I order food and its like how is me being hungry and ordering food funny? We went to a diner I ordered a side of fruit with my pancakes and they burst out laughing. I don't see the humor. Then they get mad when I offer it and say "ITS YOURS!" like huh I'm just being polite and I order a few things because I am super hungry and they laugh and my thought is it makes them uncomfortable because maybe they can't afford to eat out and can't afford to order a lot of things or the sheer amount they bring out is a lot so they laugh but I still do not appreciate it. They can just say no thank you when I offer. Or they get mad when I bring food and drink for everyone to share and get mad when I offer for them to keep it.Just say no thanks or or it won't get eaten in our house.

Thank you, I believe they do too. They invite me to their home and do like me. They just have a special connection with that other girl and I don't think she has a whole lot of friends so they must be taking her under their wing. I am going to reach out to them and invite them for concrete plans so they are not always reaching out first. Maybe I can invite them over.

Yeah sometimes you just need to let these things out in the open and then you can make sense of it better

I'm glad you're thinking more positive about it