Living Together Permanently

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Hi Everyone

I need your input/thoughts.

My ND boyfriend and I bought the flat I was renting last year and I would like us to settle down and share that space permanently. His situation is that his job is about 3 hours away by train from the flat we bought. This is because (despite how much he lives at the flat) we have a long distance relationship. He likes his job and doesn't want to give it up. He also likes the house he bought 10 years ago. (He bought that house before we both bought the flat).

One of us needs to move, and I have suggested I could move nearer to him and build up my business again from scratch (I am an instrumental teacher) He has outrightly rejected that idea due to the time it takes to build teaching up, but also is highly resistant to him changing his situation; ie selling his house or changing jobs.

I miss him a lot when he goes back to his original house and it's also unsettling for me when he keeps going back and forth like this. I have repeatedly tried talking to him about it but he says he feels it's 'the best solution at present' as 'he likes his job.' The trouble is, I feel like I have someone who wants to partly be with me, rather than actually be with me, if that makes sense. It's also very difficult to see us as a proper couple when we don't make plans for the future. On top of that, I have to confess to feeling rejected.

I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you very much in advance.

Your feelings & confusion are very understandable to me. I'm guessing you told him how this makes you feel & he mostly responds by saying that's the best solution right now because he likes his job. Since he likes his job Is there a chance he could find a similar type of job that's a bit closer to the house you two bought together I'm wondering why he agreed to buy a house with you if he did not want to live with you full time. Perhaps he sees his other house as his man cave & he wants or needs a lot more space. If that's the case you & him may have incompatible needs & wants. I'm not a fan of giving ultimatums within a relationship but if him never living with you full time would be a deal-breaker for you it might be best to explain that & be prepared to end the relationship.

Hi Nick

Many thanks for your reply, wise words.

He is a lecturer in a very specific subject, which unfortunately not many universities teach in the UK. This would make it harder for him to find an equivalent role closer to the flat. The reason we bought the flat was because my rent had increased exponentially during the cost of living crisis and I would have lost my home if we hadn't. In other words, paying a mortgage is cheaper than rent.

I told him that it's hard not to take his response as rejection and that was exactly his response; that he likes his job and he likes his house. I do feel that after 5 years together, his not committing to a plan to ultimately live together would be a deal-breaker for me. I feel I deserve a nice guy to settle down with. Ending it would be heart-breaking, however, because In every way we are right for each other. I just can't get him to move forward in any meaningful way on this. He says he loves me and I certainly love him. I am at a loss to know what to do.