Attraction and The Self

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Hi all,

I recently had a discourse about relationships and attraction with my friend ( she is autistic/adhd ) and I told her about most of the partners I've had being very peculiar about how to handle women. I had one partner tell me he saw his mother in every single one of his partners, essentially, and I had another partner tell me men and women could never be truly friends and that friendships before relationships were more often than not tests to see whether or not the woman "listened to me well, was kind enough to give herself to me if I needed, and be a good caretaker". That sounds like you're looking for a subservient.

Recently, I went out with a man who got frustrated with me because I wasn't looking him in the eye even after I explained I was autistic. He raised his voice at me and then apologized profusely, like profusely. I had a partner do something like that---raise his voice---two or three years ago when I told him I didn't like him talking about how much he hated his parents because they didn't conform to gender roles; his dad was a stay-at-home and his mom was a breadwinner.

I told my friend, during our discourse, I was starting to believe maybe it was a me issue. I've pursued based on interests and I've found a lot of my previous partners' interests to be similar, and of them to have similar magnitudes of enthusiasm. I've reflected on my own values about love and men and have found them to be exactly polar to theirs, my partners and people who have pursued me/I've pursued.

My friend suggested it was looks, saying "some people just have that 'take advantage of me' look" and I felt very disgusted with her answer. She then said it was maybe to do with neurodivergence; she said maybe my partners were neurodivergent and had a skewed expectation of what relationships could be because their interests could've inhibited their field of attraction---I won't lie, I am a victim of this, but I've done a significant amount of progress to change this feature.

I've had one "normal" relationship, and then the months following our breakup the guy wen't a little bit defensive and stalker-ish, saying he was the only one for me.

I don't what to make of things.

Since all women are unique, ALL ideas about how to handle women have to be peculiar.

Oedipus Rex?

There's a blatant egomorphic generalisation. He could never really be friends with a woman.
that sounds like friendship 101

Ok...FWB

Yep..that one does

Did you articulate an issue apart from choosing odd men?
Surely one selects from the available options.
Not your fault that there's that many NQR

Of opposite polarity? Have any examples?

Disgusted with her for suggesting that answer, or that the answer was possible.?
I seem to generate immediate trust from children and women. I just don't appear to register on their threat indices.
I call this my "Harmless beacon" and its apparently my default state. It got me regularly bullied through school until I learned how to turn it off. This seems roughly analogous to that 'take advantage of me' look". It is also something that makes NT women remove you from romantic consideration and put you straight into the "Friends" basket


That sounds more like going on the offensive

What can I add but... We're all weird.

The issue is still in the mix of being articulated. I think the issue is maybe I don’t know how to ask well enough questions during the “talking” stage of a relationship to preface any ( future ) bad behaviors.

My own values that conflict with my past partners’ : men and women should be friends. We should not see our parents or any family member in our potential partners. Men are to respect their partner and not stay in a relationship if they live on the “agree to disagree” mindset because that is being inherently unsupportive of the relationship and his partner therein. Men can absolutely be stay-at-homes. Men should not be overprotective of women. I believe relationships compromises should have independence, not in the sense that we are unfaithful, but that we are our own persons and we do things we enjoy in and out of the relationship. Intrapersonal happiness is essential to the relationship. I don’t believe in the “soulmate” and “my other half/my completion” thing. The one I am most vocal about is minimal sex. I am not someone that is interested in sex, or overtly intimate and affectionate activities. If there is too much sex then that is an issue for me.

Alright, now that you mention what that “take advantage of me look” could refer to I feel like my initial reaction—disgust—wasn’t appropriate.

I was disgusted initially because she suggested that answer, which—to me—meant my own face, and my own expressions, turned me into “bait”. Your explanation of that whole thing actually reminds me of my own experiences. I was also very regularly bullied.

I’ll be very honest. In the past, I would say “yes” to anyone that would ask me to date them, or said they liked me, because I was scared of what they might do if I said no. That started changing in recent years and I started choosing partners based on our interests, enthusiasm for them, looks and certain traits and physical attributes, and mindset/ideas. That, of course, becomes invalid once they start speaking a little more intimately and then turn into weirdos.

As I said, I think the issue might be me just not asking the right questions to prevent and dodge any sort of strange and bad behavior.

It would seem you are on the Ace spectrum but you get involved in typical dating situations with allosexuals. Either guys are "asking you out" and you think you have to cooperate or you want male friends. There must be some sort of clubs at your school where you could hang out with guys and make friends with them. Maybe some day you'll be ready for "dating" but for now you can be open about your asexuality as that's well accepted nowadays and you can probably make connections that will satisfy your desire for friendship.

Interesting. It’s a known thing that people with ASD are asexuals, for the most part, so I’ve heard.

Yeah, I hope I get to settle down someday.