Struggling with Arguments

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I am struggling. I have been in a relationship for 10 whole years. We do not fight or argue or much. She does not yell. She wants me to de-escalate her mood and not feed into her being upset. I wrote down all the steps she gave me and tried it this time but it did not work. I am missing something here. Idk what I did exactly as was stated. It did not work. Do I just keep trying? Why bother telling me what I should do if it won’t work? Sometimes regular brains pick up on things. Mine does not. When we argue it makes me sad like I’m feeding off her mood and I can almost not talk because my brain is thinking over every possible outcome and assumes the worst. What should I do? I am trying to be better about shutting down and just not responding but I am scared to say the wrong thing and make it worse. She has done much more to change her approach than I believe the average person on the street would with my brain. How can I be there for her and change the way the conversation and mood goes? I am at a loss.

I relate to your situation OP except it's both me & my girlfriend who are on the spectrum. She tells me various things to do & not do for when she's upset but those things only work some of the time. When she's very upset she can get argumentative & whatever I say may make her more upset. Me not to responding can also upset her. Very thankfully she does not hate me for failing to cheer her up, she loves me because I try.

Being proactive by trying to prevent her from getting upset sometimes helps. It also helps for me to try taking care of myself as well instead of just focusing on her. I wish I had better advice for you.