During a recent breakup, we started discussing sexuality and future relationships. On the surface I seem like a straight guy as I’ve only dated women so far, and I definitely find women more sexually attractive than men—though it isn’t an absolute. When I’m being absolutely honest I’m sort of borderline bi—maybe 1 on Kinsey, assuming that scale is even valid. But I told my girlfriend that I think I’m strictly heteroromantic; I don’t believe I’ve ever had romantic feelings toward another guy, so I don’t expect I’ll ever date a guy. My gf wondered if I was aromantic, or on the aromantic spectrum.
Of course I realize part of that reflected her frustration at my lack of being an affectionate type, which is due to a lot of things including being on the autism spectrum and growing up with a somewhat smothering mom. I’ve tended to consider myself het-romantic for superficial reasons going back to childhood. I often had crushes on women and girls, even before puberty, though never on men or boys, even though I did occasionally have sexual feelings toward guys and even fooled around with one of my guy friends once. But what did the crushes mean to me? Looking back, I’m struck by how I developed my most intense crush during my teens after finding out that she had a crush on me. Likewise, some of my other crushes dissipated after finding out they had no interest in me. So there was something ego-centric about it. Being a nerdy unpopular kid with a deep inferiority complex where I wondered if I was unattractive, finding out whether someone felt attracted to me had a big emotional impact on me.
Now, as a kid and early teen I did have corny fantasies of being in some kind of adventure movie where I was the hero and a girl I was into was the heroine, but these went away as I got older. I’m capable of loving someone I’m in a relationship with, but I’m not sure I’d call it “falling in love” with that person. Maybe that’s just being an adult?
05 Dec 2025, 9:39 pm
