Ambiguity on being invited into a group?

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Have you guys dealt with ambiguity on whether you should join a group or not??

I know that a lot of it deals with whether the group members know us already ( and already have a negative opinion of us), or whether we have a "blank slate" with them.

But even in the case of the latter, I've read anecdotes elsewhere (like on Reddit) of autistic folk being shunned when sitting down at a table with others during some event or other - one said that during this big social event, they'd sit down at a table with a group, and within minutes the group disbanded (multiple times, with multiple groups) OR the other result was that the group members would interact amongst themselves, pretending the autistic person didn't exist. (I suppose they also naively thought that the autistic person would "take the hint" and leave of their own volition.)

But that's the problem, isn't it - in the NT world, much [intended] communication is unspoken - and the paradox is, those who are least likely to understand negative unspoken communication are the ones most likely to receive it

The mystery here is, when it comes to operating with a blank slate with others, what triggered or prompted them as a "hive mind" to reject you non-verbally the way they do/did... and I can only surmise that it has something to do with the "uncanny valley" effect, where maybe they see a certain glazed or odd expression, or something that violates the rule of "read the room" where your comment is off-kilter, or your rigid posture or way of sitting down (the result of a vicious circle of fearing rejection), or all of the above, who knows, THEY'LL NEVER TELL YOU what did it.

Perhaps those of you who've read Daniel Goleman's Emotional Intelligence book recall the passage where he talks about schoolchildren knowing when to fit themselves into a group. They look for the right signals and gradually ease themselves in, getting a feel for group norms and abiding by them.

I know that a lot of ignorant NTs, usually authority figures like teachers, have a misconception that neurodivergent folk like us "don't want to join the group and prefer to be on their own", but in many cases, they're gravely mistaken and nothing could be further from the truth!! !

In this scenario it doesn't sound like shunning someone for be Autistic but rather because they are a stranger. Most NTs seem to prefer socializing with people they know.

I suggest the new stranger (Autistic?) drift around the meeting listening to the conversations. When they find one that they think is interesting sit close to it and maybe occasionally toss a relevant comment in.

My social awkwardness is rather complex and not the typical autistic social ineptitude. I've been reading up on social awkwardness Vs social cluelessness, and the social awkwardness described me more.

Social awkwardness

Feeling: Discomfort, anxiety, self-consciousness (even though I enjoy socialising)
Symptoms: Fidgeting, sweating, blushing, racing heart, difficulty speaking, avoiding eye contact (I don't really have these, except for fidgeting)
Root Cause: Often tied to social anxiety, lack of practice, or unfamiliar environments
Core Issue: "I want to connect but feel too anxious/clumsy to do it well". (I worry about making myself look/feel awkward, as I feel embarrassment very easily).
So I do know social cues, but seem to lack the confidence to speak up in social situations unless I'm really comfortable with a person or in a smaller group of familiar people. But I don't find it hard to be friendly and amiable. I smile naturally and make eye contact, etc.

Social cluelessness/ineptitude

Feeling: Not necessarily anxious, just unaware (I can't relate to this)
Symptoms: Missing non-verbal cues (body language, tone), misinterpreting situations, saying the wrong thing unintentionally (I can't really relate to this either)
Root Cause: Difficulty interpreting social signals, possibly related to neurodiversity like autism, or just lack of social learning (I don't really have any afflicting difficulty in knowing or understanding social cues and behaviours, but sometimes reacting appropriately to them can be awkward for me sometimes, for example coming up with a good comeback for a joke. I like banter and I get it and all that, but forming connections through banter only is not my strongest suit like it is for some people, especially for some women around men)
Core Issue: "I don't understand the rules of the game, so I don't know how to play it right". (I get others, but some people don't always get me)

I can't seem to relate to the autistic "cluelessness" in social situations, but I can relate to social anxiety, shyness and ADHD clumsiness. I am a highly social person but that doesn't mean I don't experience shyness. ADHD can make me become confused on whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, due to my tendency to be "hyper-social" and connected emotionally.

I mean it would not necessarily imply the group being NT, could also be a bunch of neurodiverse people who aren't sure how to react to a stranger coming to sit at their table. But I am picturing like table top gaming convention type events, where there are bound to be lots of awkward/odd people. For those specifically I think you just have to try and mingle and realize half the people there are probably just as awkward if not Moreso than you are.


I do recall when I was in HS I was on the speech team, trying to do debate...and at one meet I was hanging out with these kids from a different school and seemed like they enjoyed my company just fine. But then at a different speech meet I recognized those people and went to sit with them....and shortly after they all just kind of abandoned me. But I have no idea if any of them recognized me and I didn't even like give a greeting, I for sure can take things too personally. So very possible they just didn't even recognize me and to them I was just a random person who sat nearby. But then, there is the chance though that they did recognize me and didn't want to interact with me which is what I assumed at the time because well I always assumed people didn't like me. But shortly after that, what must have been the not very popular nerds of the school the speech meet was at basically invited me to their table and were even trying to share their lunch snacks with me, one of them was wearing a cloak like the sort of wizards cloak you get for a halloween costume. I just remember when I left even though the cloak was rather silly, I was wishing there were weirdos like that at my school to hang out with, but there just really weren't or if there were they weren't the same kind of weird as me.