Do autistics tend to get in relationships with narcissists?

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I recall seeing this type of discussion somewhere else in the recent past, not on WP, but it surfaced in my mind... someone said something to the effect of "us autistic folk tend to disproportionately get into relationships with narcissists", yet I can't say that's been my experience... thankfully! I've been with quite a few women (none of whom were "toxic"), but have been married to one for a while, who doesn't have any sort of personality disorder.

The poster's arguments were quite cogent, though: they said that this pattern happens because 1) folks with autism were intrinsically naive and didn't sense any hidden agenda on the abuser's part (after getting the over-complimentary treatment and "love bombing"), and 2) a social predator like a narcissist or someone on the psychopathy spectrum is very good at "sensing blood in the water", and can pick up on our desperation and desire to be loved - and/or might sense that others perceive the autistic as "creepy" and unworthy of a relationship.

Which means that an autistic person is more likely to "settle" or tolerate some degree of abuse, before it's too late and they become ensnared.
Has anyone experienced anything like this firsthand?

What you are asking is:

"Are Autistic people more likely to become voluntarily imprisoned in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship?"

The answer to that question is sadly...yes!! !

I believe THIS is the real reason why most Autistic people are deterred or discouraged from marriage and dating in general!

Back when I was single my married neuro-typical neighbor Anita actually tried to deter me from pursuing the marriage goal for myself because she thought I didn't know how to correctly distinguish good men from bad men (abusers & narcissistic-types) but I proved her wrong with my soon-to-be husband David!

Maybe, although luckily for me I married someone who's nowhere near a narcissist.

Been in a few relationships. Yes , It is easy to see some Asüie males / females ? feel hard pressure to be married .
Often , due to their experiences or lack of them. Lack of trusted friends or whatever , may have left them longing for someone trusted to be close to in their lives. In these times and up to 30 years or more past . And about that long ago
Had been through the mill with people . And just gave up. .But about 6 months Low and behold, someone I did not expect, Asked me out to a public event .And had a glorious time . Snd was not pressured to be anything but myself.
Snd the rest is history . After about 15 years he passed on . Illness. And it was not unexpected . And that marriage gave me a lifetime of experiences . So sometimes when you least expect it, you never know, who or when . I had already resolved to just being alone, just before that marriage. Took me over a year knowing him before agreeing to the marriage commitment . And he fully aware of what I had been through previous to him. And he still stuck by me.
Even after I was pretty testy with him for almost a year. Becoming friends first actually helped alot. And maybe Iwas just Lucky

I've only had three girlfriends & none of them were narcissists. I was very desperate to be in a relationship but I have so many various issues narcissists probably found me too difficult & potentially problematic. As for abuse, I was the abusive one in my first two relationships partly due to bad anxiety, OCD, insecurity, panic attacks, & in my first relationship a depression that was a little bit psychotic.

My current girlfriend has her share of various issues & she's usually the abusive one in our relationship but she's far from being a narcissist. In fact it's kind of the opposite. She worries about others & feels bad when she cant help & cant be there for them. She can only handle so much though & it gets to her. Abuse is when she reaches her breaking point. I'm not usually abusive due to working on myself, being on a good combo of pysch meds, & living with her instead of my parents.

I wouldn't class my partner as narcissistic either, but the strong, bossy woman who assisted my group social interactions and travelled around the planet with me started changing after menopause.
It was an insidious onset but we both knew the relationship was getting toxic.
Only in the last year has it become obvious to me that there are an array of coercive techniques she has been using on me.
I have some space while she's interstate looking after her mother, so I'm hoping I can resurrect enough ego to start disentanglement, but the last year of surgical captivity have squashed me into a blob. It is astonishing how efficiently she can use me against myself.
When we met we were complementary and responsibilities were shared.
For the last year I have been gaslit, infantalised and had my entire skillset negated.
I now cringe internally when I hear her voice.
I mask hardest around her and hardly bother in public.

I'm not particularly looking forward to being homeless if extricating myself gets nasty.

Also, even though this has absolutely NOTHING to do with romantic relationships what you said @Jayo about "an Autistic person is willing to endure and even embrace abuse before they become imprisoned" might explain something about cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants and why he continually puts up with Mr. Krabs' slave labor abusive behavior...


EDIT: I myself almost fell into the "voluntary imprisonment" trap with my previous boyfriend Jerry who is a criminal and most certainly was a love-bomber!! !

That goes back to how I mentioned above about Anita saying I cannot correctly discern good men from bad sociopaths & narcissists

^Love-bombing is a gray line but my current girlfriend love-bombed me at first & then I started love-bombing her as well. I guess in my two previous relationships we kind of love-bombed each other in the beginning.

As for voluntary imprisonment goes, I think me & Cass are both voluntarily imprisoned with each other. We both would have major problems living alone & moving back in with our families is not really an option. I do not think of that form of imprisonment as a bad thing though. We both really need predictability, stability, & security. This way neither of us can make a drastic decision like during a meltdown to break-up because we're having a hard time & having a fight/argument. No one else would understand & accept us better than each other. We're stuck with each other & have to try compromising & working things out.

Well, the way I see it marriage is more true imprisonment than basic co-habitation because of the legally-binding contractual agreement but you and Cass operate as if you guys are actually married, correct @nick007?

I don't know, maybe some autistics are easier prey for narcissists than ordinary people are, while other autistics are harder prey. Personally I have a better ability to see through the kind of flattering BS that ordinary people get foooled by. When narcissists and psycopaths spot that I can call their bluff and remove the veil from other people's eyes they start to see me as a threat.

I hear you man

I seem to be a loser magnet, like everyone I ever dated was either a flake or just sucked at life. When I turned 28 I decided that I was better off by myself and I didn't need the drama. At 45 I stand by decision.

For the most part it's like we're married. We cant officially be married because some of our gov benefits will be cut so we have separate bank accounts & separate benefits & such.


We might be using different definitions of the word Loser. It's common for autistics to struggle at life more than NTs do. NTs do tend to think of autistics as losers even if we do not think of ourselves that way, a major exception is the more higher functioning autistics who tend to have good careers in the STEM fields like the poor-man Bill Gates types. That's certainly has been the case for me with others thinking of me as a loser even though I do not think of myself that way. It's probably a major reason I'm not compatible with NTs & none of my girlfriend's have been NT.


I think that's possible. Another major factor might be if abusers think us autistics could be useful to them & the abusers could potentially gain something from us. A stereotype scenario is an autistic guy with a decent job or family money but has major social skills problems being a target of a demanding gold-digger or an autistic woman getting in a relationship with an abusive guy who is wanting a woman he can control as a maid & use for sex.

Yeah, that is a major deterrent for marriage for me and DEFINITELY something to take into consideration moving forward!! !

This is why I am looking at getting a job in near future




But it has been proven that ND-NT marriages or long-term co-habitation can work, right?




Once again, I point to SpongeBob SquarePants to prove your theory is correct!

I want to test your assertion using SpongeBob as the basis @nick007

What do you think?

My sister (not sure if autistic or not though but has learning difficulties) was in an abusive relationship with a psychopath for over 10 years and nobody really knows how she managed to come out of it completely emotionally unharmed. It was like it never happened in her life. Here's me traumatised deeply by getting a diagnosis of AS and the social isolation and bullying I suffered as a teen and younger adult, yet she's incompletely unharmed by being in an abusive relationship with a psychopath for most of her teenage and younger adult years.

I would definitely say, I have experienced it and is still experiencing this everyday. I only wake up when it is too late.

They know it and I am just another pawn in their bag of flying monkeys.