I am looking for advice on friendships and relationships.

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One of (if not the most) frequent pieces of advice online about trying to date is to join group activities and be friends with people before asking them out. Whether this works or not does not really concern me. The blunt truth is I do not do the whole friendship thing, and I do not do group activities. It is nothing personal. I have just learned over the years that I am a very different person and the way I see, process, and think about the world is very different than most people.

For example, I tend to despise group dynamics. I have never liked group activities of any sort. I think I chose my majors in college because I wanted to avoid group work as much as possible. To be fair when I was in college I did have a group of friends. But over the years I have learned that I view friendships differently than most people and that friendships are not really for me. I tend to want a greater emotional commitment from friends than people are typically comfortable with in a platonic friendship. And that is fine. I get that I am the odd one. I would have to conform to the world, not the world conforming to me.

I suppose you could say I have isolated myself during the course of my thirties. But the thing is I have never been happier or more content. I do not walk around with a cell phone attached to me. I check my phone a couple of times a day at most. Some days I never take it out of the bathroom drawer. There is nothing so important in the world to me that I need to constantly be attached to my cell phone.



This is usually the point in therapy where my therapist tries to talk me out of wanting to be in a relationship. They say I should be happy with what I have and that. I have been to a lot of therapy over the years lol. Honestly one therapist borderline seemed jealous of my lifestyle. He thought I was crazy for wanting to get into a relationship when so much of my life was so easy. And life has gone remarkably easy on me. Other than a romantic relationship of course.

The thing is I have tried to be completely happy always being single. But it just never lasts. I feel that missing piece in me and it leads to extreme loneliness on my end. My life is easy, but I am not in therapy because I am mostly happy with my life- I am in therapy because I am profoundly lonely always being without a partner.

I guess I would say I am looking for someone who wants to share my relatively stress free and easy life with me but is not concerned with social dynamics, or group settings. The thing is I do not really care if she wants to be in groups or go out a bunch. I obviously would have to do some things socially with her but for the most part I do not care how often she does or doesn't go out. I am not a jealous or demanding person at all.

I suppose I just find it slightly frustrating that people seem to place these hurdles for people to jump over before they pursue a relationship. Like why do you not have friends, why do you not have hobbies- in my case they are just not for me. But a romantic relationship certainly is for me. I am curious if anyone on here has any advice for getting into a relationship without having friends, group activities or hobbies that you do first? Thank you so very much in advance.

This is a major red flag that your therapist isn't a good fit for your needs. If you're otherwise content with life and are only seeking out therapy because you want a girlfriend, in all honesty, you're probably on the wrong track.



Have you ever found therapy to be helpful in any meaningful way at all?

Therapists aren't trained to help people get girlfriends, and the aim of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is one of the most common types of therapy, is to change unhelpful thinking patterns and cognitive distortions in order to change your behaviour. Your desire for a girlfriend and intimacy will likely be pathologised and treated like an unhelpful thought rather than being validated as a human need. It seems that's already happened to you.

If you don't think there's a specific problem with your thoughts or behaviour, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy probably isn't for you. If your goal is to start dating, seeking out a dating coach instead is a smarter way to go about it.

I attend therapy because I struggle a great deal with loneliness. A therapist at least serves as someone to talk to. I do not see therapy as magic, but I do see it as a useful tool- or at minimum as a useful crutch.

All I know about myself is that despite my loneliness and general unhappiness with always being single I seem to be about as happy and content as anyone. Sure, I have my struggles and my issues but, on the whole, I take life easy and life seems to go easy on me. Perhaps I am just lucky, or it is genetics of some sort.

I do not compare myself with others. I do not envy the success of others. I just take things as they come to me and accept people as they are. I do not really believe in trying to change people. One useful thing I find with therapy is it can help you look at things from a different perspective and reframe things in your life.

My only real goal in life is to be in a romantic relationship someday. But I am not willing to change who I am in order to achieve that goal. I mean I am not a very competitive or results-based person anyways. I am happy, I like who I am, I am very proud of all my accomplishments and the person I have become. I am not sure why I should change things when things seem to be working out so well for me.

Alas I do struggle with the issue of always being single. It has been a huge thorn in my side forever. Talking with therapists and others about my struggles has always helped me. I plan on continuing to do that until I am actually in a relationship. If I never get in a relationship than I plan on doing it until the day I die.

Last edited by BrianWV38 on 17 Dec 2025, 10:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you don't think there's a specific problem with your thoughts or behavior, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy probably isn't for you. If your goal is to start dating, seeking out a dating coach instead is a smarter way to go about it.[/quote]

I have been to dating coaches, life coaches, hypnotists- pretty much if you name it, I have tried it to help me get into a relationship over the years.

To be fair I mostly did all of that in my 20s. Now I am older (in my late thirties), and I am more settled in my ways. I like where I live, I love my lifestyle, I am who I am in essence and I have no desire to change that person.

At this point I am not really sure what a dating coach would do for me. I am not willing to change much. I figure I might as well just put myself out there, ask women I know out on dates, and see what happens. Besides I am obviously autistic. I have a pretty unique mindset. I do not base my actions on the hopeful approval of others or to increase my chances of success.

I am not really big on success. I find it to be a trap in life. I have discarded my ego to as great a degree as possible. Maybe someone with as little ego as mine simply cannot be loved by another. I am not sure. But I am very intent on finding out. It is the great challenge and struggle of my life. Everything points towards trying to get into a relationship. To love and be loved. It is my only goal.

I won't cheat or change myself to achieve that goal. But I am going to continue putting myself out there for as long as I can.

Friends? Relationships? I seem to have missed those, unless you count those met on line, or in the pub; they tend to stay where you met them.

In your original post you said your goals are relationships and friendships. I was 29 when I made the shocking discovery that before getting into a relationship, I needed to first know how to make friends. when approaching somebody instead of "boy! I'd love to get with her" or "yep there's wifey"! I realised I needed to first consider if she would be my friend first. this isn't easy and of course in my 30s I was Mr "Friendzone" for about 5 years.

But if you want a meaningful long term relationship then I'm afraid you need to learn how to be a good friend.

As someone who is experiencing something similar in terms of a long-term unmet longing for romantic love, I don't understand how some therapist arguing with you about whether you should even want a relationship in the first place is helpful in any way. To me, that would feel invalidating and unproductive. It's generally not in a therapist's job description to help someone get into a relationship.

If you find value in having someone to talk to about your dating issues even though they can't help you in any meaningful way with anything, and they're going to try to talk you out of wanting what you want rather than helping you get what you want, then fair enough, but that doesn't make any sense to me.

The reason a dating coach makes more sense to me is that a dating coach specifically helps with your dating life, and won't invalidate or pathologise your desire to date. Not all dating coaches are created equal. Finding a good one who can help you might not be the easiest thing, especially when you're on the spectrum. They're much more likely to be able to actually help you with dating than a therapist is, though.

You may not need to change who you are as a person, but changing your approach to dating might help you get better results. It seems like you're not really getting anywhere with your current approach.

^Well, originally Anita told me to consult a therapist in order to get my love life to move forward but maybe she really meant a dating coach?