Telling my son about his diagnosis, after advice.

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all,
So you are aware, I am Neurotypical and am after insight and advice.
My 7 year old was diagnosed with Autism a year or so ago, and it's coming to the point where we will need to talk about the diagnosis with him.
He has started to ask questions about why he needs help and has therapy sessions etc.
His Psych has started talking about different brains, different struggles and needs, but we haven't actually had an open conversation with him about it yet.

I want to sooner rather than later, but I'm just so nervous about messing it up.
My older brother was diagnosed, and my Mum regrets labelling him and sees the effect it had on his confidence, in the 90's he didn't receive any support or help, so felt like he was given a label and left on his own because he was too 'high functioning.'

My brother is doing well with work and hobbies, he's a good person and has a sweet heart, is very intelligent, but he is isolated socially and held back due to lack of confidence.

I really hope to help my son keep his assertiveness, grow in confidence, and keep his social circles as he grows. He's naturally very social and when he's comfortable is very chatty, especially with adults.
He's super intelligent, asks such deep questions and I can just see the potential he has, I really want to not hold him back and help him in any way I can.

How do I explain it in a way that helps him make sense of things, himself, and the world, without hurting him? What helped you/was hurtful?
What parenting things would you recommend?
We currently give calming breaks with fidgets, books etc when he is overwhelmed/acting out, we don't smack or anything like that, but we definitely yell more than I want us to.
Some background info, he has two younger siblings, a brother and sister, and his father and I, we live in Melbourne, Australia, in the suburbs.

We are going off a neurodiverstiy framework. We are also Christian, so I want to incorporate that in a positive light, that he was created like this for a purpose, it was no mistake, and validate him in that way. I know a lot of autistics aren't religious, but I want to live out my faith in a way that helps him too, so any advice on that front I'd also appreciate.

I just love him so much. Thank you for your help, I appreciate it! I'm also happy to answer any questions that will help bring clarification.

On the christianity part... might be a bit too soon because there are some 'probably autistic' (almost) saints. The one I like most is Juniper but also considered the "jester of the God" which he might take as very insulting.
Our local saint up for this is said to preach while floating which is not exactly the most reliable true role he might accept.

Most were weird and reclusive, like juniper liked because they were simpletons... So while it might be used to show it is not something that was recently invented, it is rarely a completely positive depiction

Perhaps your brother can be around when you tell your son (but see if he is up for that and be careful stating you want to prevent your son from having to deal with stuff on his own... ). He probably has a more genuine real feel for it than the medical pros but I cannot judge the relationships between the 3 of you. It might help your brother and your son but I do not know them.
The pros I dealt with in the beginning were not that much of auti pros and they did more harm, I can relate more to other autistic people's issues (but my diagnosis was also too late and a different world).

Child psychologists are more aware of autism specifics and auti psychologists are more used to dealing with children so don't take my bad experiences as too much of a warning. They should be able to help you too...

I am not a parent and can't be a christian so this might not be much help.

We are Protestant but he attends a Catholic school, I'll look into autistic saints and Christians, it's not the easiest to find people talking about it. I did stumble upon a podcast 'Autism and Christianity' which has been a fantastic resource, and read 'On the Spectrum' by Daniel Bowman Jr which was helpful.

That's the hard part, I want to try and shield him from any negative depictions as much as possible, especially while he's young.

Which my brother it's tricky, our whole lives he has been very private, I don't think we've ever had a deep conversation about his feelings... Ever.
Never discussed autism or anything like that, so I find it awkward on how to approach the subject.
I don't know how he feels about it now and whether it will be upsetting or insensitive for me to bring it up?

The only people who know about the diagnosis so far are my parents and his school, Key Worker and Psych..
We made the decision to tell him first before telling anyone else, unless they NEED to know.
So unfortunately I haven't told my brother about it yet, I'm meaning to have this conversation, I was thinking after we tell our son, it'll be a good opportunity to talk to my brother about it and gather insight, and encourage a relationship between them.

At the moment their relationship isn't really close, an occasional conversation but my brother is pretty awkward interacting with him, maybe in time this will change though. Thinking now maybe I should talk to my brother first to get his thoughts on how best to explain things...

It's also tricky as my brother who grew up in the church, is now an atheist, and it's a fine line between wanting his influence on my son, because I love them both, and they are both autistic, but not wanting his view of the world to impact my son negatively.
My younger brother who may be Autistic/ADHD, but was never diagnosed, has become an angry atheist and has a very negative worldview. His mental health is pretty terrible and it's heartbreaking.
Personally I've found my faith a great sense of hope, joy and peace and I want to pass that on.. and I've read statistically those who are religious and are a part of religious community have better mental health, which I really want to pass on.

Thankfully I think things have improved a lot, his Psych has been fantastic, and has a lot of autistic clients. Thankfully when my son is explicitly explained social concepts, he understands, accepts and then acts on them, so that really helps, that he's open to her and her input. Same with his Key Worker, we have only had one negative encounter which was for a Holiday Program, where he felt infantilised, so we never went back.

Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate it.

Leave religion out of it - he can make his own determinations on that later. God won’t mind.

The important thing is that you lot, the rest of the world, make judgments of him all the time on criteria he has no way of understanding. Yes, there are laws that say that shouldn’t happen, but there are laws about lots of things that happen all the time. Let him know that you’re on his side, and sometimes you can help. Other stuff, that can’t be helped, you’re there to back him up in getting through it.

Hi,

I’m a late-diagnosed autistic adult (diagnosed at 50).

I remember being in therapy at 8, at a time when the word “Asperger’s” wasn’t widely understood. I knew I was different, but I assumed success and social acceptance would come from trying harder.

Looking back, the biggest issue wasn’t the traits themselves — those were real then and are still real now. The biggest issue was not understanding that I was wired differently, and spending decades beating myself up for not functioning like a neurotypical person.

If I could go back and change one thing, it would be this: someone calmly naming the difference without judgment, and explaining the strengths and weaknesses of that wiring instead of assuming I’d just figure it out.

Things like:
– "Your brain notices more details than some people’s."
– "We can explain rules instead of expecting you to guess."
– "It’s OK that you have routines that help you stay calm."

Not as a warning. Not as a limitation. Just as information.

You’re already doing many of the right things: breaks, regulation tools. The fact that you’re thinking carefully about how to talk to him matters.

I recently wrote a memoir about being late-diagnosed, and in the back I included a short section called “What Might Have Helped Earlier.” It’s not advice — just observations from lived experience. If it would be useful, I’m happy to share that section privately.