Late diagnosed in a relationship

Post Reply New Topic

Possible tw?

As the title implies, I have been in a committed relationship for the past 13 years. We share a child, pets and space together.

Since I was 16, I have gone through numerous types of medical professionals, diagnosis, malpractices, and medical gaslighting that finally lead me to getting a full diagnosis at 34. I have spent the most part of my life trying to better myself, gain footing and stability and attain a level of personal understanding. I am a person who once told, does everything in their power to “do better” or change the affecting behaviour. Personal belief in myself, accountability and responsibility is what lead me to getting a diagnosis and finally the proper supports.

My partner on the other hand has struggled every step of the way, hindering and harming me in the process. I am an understanding and forgiving person, but once I realize the intention is a choice, I am not and I have no problem walking away without another word. My trust has been repeatedly been betrayed (not infidelity, but something akin to me personally. I will not discuss it as most people have a different view than myself) and in turn broke my safety within him and my ability to believe the words, actions and choices he makes. Everything is calculated so that he can keep face but not have to feel/deal with the uncomfortable feelings and emotions he’s caused by minimizing, belittling, and outright DARVO-ing me and my expressions of self.

I have learned the different ways of communicating, especially specially to him, I only use I statements when speaking feelings or emotions or to express myself to show how his actions effect me. I have never been judgemental nor have I not understood his reasoning. I do. It’s the fact he would chose to stay in the comfort of his uncomfortability (because his daily anger, anxiety, mood swings and out bursts at this point are from choosing to do the same things without change), and therefore keeps himself feeling perpetually bunged up. I have created safe spaces, allowed him to express himself, feel heard and loved. Wake me in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare attack. He’s told me just how safe and loved he feels.

I am not afforded the same and understand I have mothered, emotionally hand-held this man for the past 13 years,. The fact I literally have no where else to go, no friends or family and don’t have access to my supports yet (as I just received eligibility this week) is whats breaking me. I spent the past 6 years trying to better myself so that I could make an escape after I had set boundaries, actually broke things off with him and cut contact (as much as one can living in the same space) for 9 months. But because I have so many unmet needs from him to begin with, and the limerence, I broke and went back to him. I burnout, the pandemic hindered my work and ability, my mother - my only safe person alive, died - and people in my life were taking advantage of me every which way they could.

So now I am back to square one, with an astronomical amount of information, education and understanding under my belt, skills squared away to use, coping strategies, but I am stuck. It’s been a perpetual limbo and my health is now failing me. I am physically falling apart. I watched this exact thing happen to my mother with my own dad, and I do not want the same outcome for me. His unwitting, and my inability to leave is whats killing me and the knowledge of this does as well. There is nothing I can do in the meantime.

Learning I’m autistic has changed my life for the better I’d say, but having certain understanding can sometimes hinder. That means knowing I’ve been doing all this work and it’s ultimately for nothing if I don’t get free. I just wish he could also see he’s perpetuating the same family generation cycle on our family as his own father did to his, and his grandfather did to his before. I did the opposite. My family fought against mental illnesses as they deemed you “less than”. I am the first adult in my entire extended family to be diagnosed neurodivergent. I then went and cut all my family off and went no contact after my mothers funeral, meanwhile he still keeps in touch daily/weekly with his abusive, neglectful father. I don’t want this for my own kid. I don’t want him thinking this is normal.

I just wanted to know if there were any other women who’ve gone through, or are in similar situations.