Dating autistic women

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I don't know if this belongs in L&D or the Adult section, because it's a little bit sex-focused, but since the topic is romantic relationships I figured it was appropriate for L&D. Mods, feel free to move it if you think it's warranted.

I was thinking once I eventually start dating (no idea when that will be), if I want to find someone I'm compatible with as an autistic man, an autistic woman would make the most sense. The problem is I want a physical relationship (not talking about sex exclusively, but physical affection in general) and I've kind of gotten the impression that most autistic women are touch-averse asexuals. I don't know how accurate that assessment is, which is why I'm asking here. I also don't want an asexual woman who's going compromise her asexuality "for me". I want her to actually want it and enjoy it, not just tolerate it. If this were about satisfying sexual "needs" I'd just get a doll. It's more about wanting to explore the full range of experiences in a romantic relationship. So yeah, I guess my question is, are there autistic women out there who have normal heterosexual desires and tendencies, or are they all asexuals?

I don't think we're all asexual. I am very affectionate physically to my NT husband, but I don't like sexual intercourse much because of a bad experience I had when I first had sex (it wasn't the man's fault, I just had no idea how intolerant to pain I was). But my husband isn't really interested in sexual intercourse either, being a lot older than me I think he may have lost his sexual stamina, but that's okay with us, as there are still other ways to have sex without the painful one.
But I know I'm not asexual, as I have raging hormones that can make me become a bit crazy over men, and I masturbate to a historical figure that I really fancy while listening to his music.
But I assure you that not every woman is asexual. In fact, "all" and "autism" shouldn't be used in the same sentence, as meeting one autistic woman means you've met one autistic woman.

This reply may warrant a move of this thread to the adult section, I'm sorry.

My second & my third girlfriend(current) are both autistic. My second really wanted to have sex but we never got to due to our relationship being mostly long distance & not being together offline much without parents around. My current is very affectionate emotionally & physically & she's also pansexual. Cass really wants to have sex but has various physical problems so our relationship is a mostly asexual one but with LOTS of affection.

Sex drive and orientation varies among autistic women, like it does in the general population. I'm bisexual and I've always had a very high sex drive and open attitude and I need a partner to either match my freak or allow us to be non-monogamous. Dry spells feel like genuine torture.
I have actually noticed a phenomenon of autistic people of either gender having off the wall kinks and fetishes.

It seems like many people on the spectrum are either hypersexual or practically asexual.

I am definitely hypersexual, but I live in an area with a lot of evangelical Christians who emphasize purity. So my "hangups" are more about the prevalent local culture than anything related to being on the spectrum.

I've been in relationships with about 11-12 women including my wife, and of those I didn't marry, I think 2 may have been autistic and of those 2, the 2nd one almost certainly. Those were also the longest and most serious relationships I was in before meeting my wife. I will lead off by saying that an autistic person should not necessarily be your first choice of a partner, and I think that if 2 autistic people want a serious relationship, they should probably get some sort of support (which I never had).

The following is based on personal experience and stuff I've encountered along the way including here on WP when it was a busier and more free-wheeling forum than it is now. I won't try to back up anything I say with evidence unless asked, so please just assume I have a good reason for saying what I say and try to not get upset if convinced I'm wrong.

So you make the point that you want your relationship to be physical. It's true (again given what I said about about backing up assertions as I know a phrase like "it's true" makes me a target) that a high proportion of autistic women are on the asexuality (ACE) spectrum and also that a high proportion, to the extent they are interested in sex, prefer (but may not be exclusive to) biologically female partners; with overlap between those two groups. And that proportion is significantly higher than for the general population.

OTOH autistic women who do NOT fall into the above category tend to have an atypical relationship to sex.

(Before I continue I should point out that these differences from the "norm" may not necessarily be inborn, but could have been influenced by sexual trauma and abuse at a young age, to which autistic women are disproportionately vulnerable. But I don't care to discuss why these things may be true at the moment. Spoiler tag for the next paragraph.)

My only caveat is these are gross generalizations and please don't surprised if something I said doesn't jibe with your personal experience.

I can only think of one previous lover I'd consider spectral.
Probably the most overtly horny woman I've ever met.
I tracked her down years later but hung up the phone when I remembered her annoying voice, grating laugh and the way she could disconnect so suddenly.
They seem such trivial reasons now

By the time I reached my 30s, I came to understand that heterosexual women were usually horny if they weren't getting any, if they had any prior experience. Although sometimes they were a bit shy about admitting it. I don't know exactly what you mean by "overtly horny" but I've been overtly propositioned by women who weren't autistic (which isn't to say they didn't have other "issues"). But other times they still wanted the guy to make the first move. I guess my success improved once I got the message that "if she's showing interest she's horny, but she'll still expect you to make the first move" but like I said a few actually did make the first move or at least came on so strongly that there was no doubt.

When I said that allosexual autistic women have an atypical relationship with sex, I meant something other than the usual horniness and it's not necessarily all positive for the woman's partner however I wouldn't consider it a deal breaker if two people are serious about it. I brought that up in response to the idea that an autistic man should intentionally seek autistic partners. It's more complicated than that.

I admit some autistic behaviours I don't find very attractive, such as stimming in obvious ways like hand-flapping or rocking. If I was going to have an autistic partner, I'd prefer him to be the complex broad phenotype, like I am, where you're social and generally well-respected and don't speak in monotone or have childish or nerdy interests. It's just my preference.

My husband is an introverted NT.

I was with an autistic GF who had a healthy sexual libido.

I guess my standards were lower when I was in my 20s. My autistic ex girlfriend whom I posted about here: https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=68269&p=9772495#p9772495 definitely came across as autistic when she spoke (although it wouldn't have been described as such back then). She often talked as though all her sentences ended in exclamation points. She would emphasize something by repeating it 3 times or so. Sometimes when I was at my parents' house she would call and if one of my parents were to answer, they would afterwards complain that she didn't speak "normally" and people would not want to associate with us as a couple if we were to get married. She also had what could be called "childish" interests. Once for her birthday I got her a posable Kermit toy and when I gave it to her, she was beside herself with joy; nevertheless her sisters thought me very odd to have gotten my adult girlfriend what was basically a toy for her birthday.(*) I never had any desire to change anything about her as she was my girlfriend and I liked her as she was. At the same time, I really didn't quite know if I wanted to marry her whereas when I met my wife (over 7 years later) I had no doubt whatsoever about marriage.

(*) Nevertheless I should point out that she was an independent person. She was unemployed when I met her, but not too long after she got employed as a cashier for a drug store with multiple locations through a jobs program that wasn't specifically for people with "special needs" (of course she was never formally diagnosed with anything and her parents were both neurodiverse so they wouldn't have noticed) then joined the US military and eventually went on to get married and have kids. So certainly capable of carrying her own weight.


My wife when I met her was a pretty young Jewish woman with a sheltered background who struggled with weight, probably had low self-esteem, and had been in therapy. In fact, her decision to attend the singles event where I met her had been discussed with her therapist. She and I were both ready for marriage. I could say my willingness to commit might have blinded her to some of my faults, although she didn't see them as faults.

She sounds like my GF

I'm pretty sure most of the women I've been involved with since high school have been on the spectrum or adjacent. I'm pretty sure many of the women who've pursued me (not that I was always aware of their pursuit) have been on the spectrum or adjacent.
I'm pretty sure at least half of the women or girls I've been significantly interested in and could engage with comfortably have been on the spectrum or adjacent.

Autistic women certainly can be hypersexual too.

I really am in an awkward spot with sex. I am extremely touchy feely and kissy towards girls, so someone who is touch-averse is literally terrible for me. It's also problematic to dislike my fetishes because idk it feels like disliking an extension of me, I'm sensitive.

On the other hand I dislike SEX, I don't really want to f**k girls that much like it's very sexually arousing to think about it I guess but I don't think that I really want to do that. So a girl who needs me to f**k her all the time would also be sexually incompatible to me.

I guess I'm hoping for a demisexual autist who would let me touch her wherever and not really care either way.

Any parallels you can identify? I knew you had a GF but didn't know you were still with her. Are you saying she's on the Spectrum? Sorry if those questions are a bit rude!

The "childish" interests, yet capable to carry her own height. she loves toys, stuffed toys in particular.

I don't think she is on the spectrum, but she was always the black sheep in many ways.