Friendship from 22 years ago keeping me awake at night

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Hi everyone, I keep ruminating on this friendship I had that started when I was 11, I'm now 33 and I keep losing sleep over this. I'm mostly venting but I think I need help processing this?

To give some context, I have CPTSD and have been on SSRIs since I was 11.

In the 6th grade, I made friends with a girl, Sara, that was in my class. Everyone else in the room had known each other since early elementary school, so we were all in little groups around the classroom during a class party at the end of the first semester. Sara was drawing and alone, so I invited her to sit with a group of girls I'd known since kindergarten. She came over to the group, we bonded over a few things, and I started hanging out with her after school and spending the night. My mom's side of the family is ex air force, and Sara's family was also air force, so our parents bonded over that bit. I did not expect us to stay friends once I saw her hanging out around Rachel and Ashley, bullies who had made my life absolute hell.

Early on in the friendship, I couldn't help but notice that I was expected to have way more patience than I was capable of giving Sara at any given time; I was told she was NT so I don't suspect autism. Often, her parents would have me spend the night when bad things happened, like when one of Sara's cats had to be put down, or if something traumatic happened to her, or even if she had a bad test result.

Eventually, we were "close" by her parent's standards. I thought it was weird that I was always over there when bad things happened and I remember writing about it in a notebook because it was bothering me so much. It was really hard for me but I told Sara I didn't want to be at her house when those things are happening because it made me too uncomfortable, and her mom shut that boundary down very quickly.

When I realized it was a pattern of things that happened on purpose and not just random things that were happening, I would avoid Sara as much as I could if she was not having a good day. Sometimes I'd get pulled out of class because she was so upset I wasn't talking to her, she couldn't function. She was in a lot of my classes and I hated it because I didn't want to have to dispense endless empathy when I could barely cope with what was happening at home.

I had a friend like that when I was 7 and I promised myself I would never befriend another girl like that. Even though with Sara we were in the 6th grade and we were 11, she acted more like a first grader than a 6th grader. I did feel very bad for her at first, when this was happening, but eventually the empathy tap would run dry.

Her unmanaged ADHD made me stop enjoying spending time with her. Every time she spent the night at my house, I told her she needed to pace herself and not run around after she eats because my mom was tired of her puking in my bed and then calling her mom to come pick her up, she was told if she doesn't stay the entire night that she wouldn't be allowed to spend the night anymore; she didn't care, ate too much pizza, soda and hot cheetos. I feel like her getting her way mattered more than anything, because if she didn't get her way she'd end up calling her mom to get her and I was over people acting like that when I was 7.

She did not respect these simple boundaries so I stopped having her sleep over. Unless Sara was the center of attention, she would go home early, which I thought was childish and rude because of how much I was constantly tolerating from her. Boundaries made her upset, so her mom wouldn't let me have them. Would lecture me like "this is Sara's house, she is allowed to do whatever she wants, be friends with who she wants, and act the way she wants." I stopped spending time over there, and would always have a reason to not be able to go over and spend the night. I would get panic attacks if I saw her mom's name on our caller ID, I didn't understand what was happening but I felt so unsafe.

Meanwhile...At home, I'm still 11, my grandpa died suddenly in October. My mom had to take care of her mom on hospice until she died in February. When I was at home, I had to cook almost all of my meals, run household things no one taught me, and watch my mom fall into deep addiction to prescription medicine. I was very resentful of her addictions, and when I found out Sara lied to my face about wanting to experiment with drugs and alcohol, I tried to end the friendship for good.

What happened is I was over at Sara's house, and I had ranted for a good 5 or so minutes about how I don't want to be friends with addicts and that if I found out a friend was planning on experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I would want nothing to do with them. This was brought up because she was talking about getting this little wheel in the mail; you could put you weight and I think maybe your height too, and it would tell you how long it would take to sober up from drinking enough to drive safely. After my rant, she told me to my face she didn't order one. Then a few weeks later, it came in the mail while I was over there and she couldn't deny it. I was so upset, I asked my mom to come pick me up. I had never left a sleep over before because I was so scared of hurting someone's feelings. By the time I was dealing with Sara for 3 years I wanted nothing to do with her. She would beg, scream, cry, just like Gargamel from the Smurfs. I felt like being friends with her was like being friends with a 3 year old, except most 3 year olds can regulate their emotions. She acted like I was important, but whenever I tried to talk about my life or what I was going through, she'd cry because she wasn't the center of attention. She didn't like that I left a sleepover, I had never punished her for not respecting my boundaries because I was told by her mom that it wouldn't be allowed. Maybe if I was allowed to, she wouldn't have felt so entitled? I have a hard time feeling bad because she wasn't an only child, but her parents spoiled her like she was. I would always feel distress whenever I had to interact with Sara after I went home, because she was acting like a first grader and not a 6th grader.


Earlier in the friendship, I told her that I didn't want to be friends with her if she was going to be friends with Rachel and Ashley, because for years Rachel and Ashley had made my life at school a living hell. Her mom lectured me and told me I was not allowed to dictate who Sara was and wasn't friends with. I told Sara's mom that Rachel and Ashley were bad news and she needed to protect her daughter from them, because they were not safe people. Sara remains friends with all of us, I try to set more boundaries that get shut down by her mom, and it just gets to the point that I am avoiding her at school and at home, literally getting sick from the stress of them not respecting boundaries. I spent time with a family member I hated just so I wouldn't be "free" when Sara wanted to hang out.

After about 7 times of Sara and her mom coming to my house to confront me over ending the friendship, my mom told them that they were really making us all feel unsafe and Sara needed to leave us alone. I remember her trying to explain how distressing the friendship was to me and that they needed to give me space, and her mom just not accepting it. Of course, our boundaries weren't respected.

Thankfully Sara didn't have a cell phone and didn't use instant messaging, so she couldn't harass me there. We had to block her number on our landline because she was calling so often. At school I had met another friend, Francine, and she and I became very close. Sara would rage at this because her mom had her feeling so entitled to me that she became so irate that I was treating Francine the way she wanted to be treated, she started trying to get Francine in trouble, started hanging out with Rachel and Ashley at one point going as far to inviting both of us to a party and me downright refusing to go unless Francine was allowed to come too.

I remember sometime in the 8th grade, our teacher said something like "The person you're best friend with now probably won't be in your life as adults." I had to spend like a week or two comforting Sara over this, because she was incredibly distressed any time she didn't have complete access to me. It was this gesture that made me realize I went from wanting to be near her to just hating her and not wanting to have to get caught up in all her drama. I would request my teachers didn't sit me near her and would work with anyone else I could during group work, which lead to her mom trying to guilt trip me again. I started spending time with Francine, but was still spending a bit of time with Sara because at that point, I felt really bad she didn't have other friends she was close to and I wanted to be friends with both Sara and Francine. I started having to tell teachers that I wasn't allowed to be friends with her, because they'd always pair us together and I hated it.

At one point, Sara's grandmother (who she was very close to) died, and her mom started bringing her by the house again, leading me to have to hide and having panic attacks any time I had to be near her. The thing that was super traumatizing then (and now) is the fact that she felt so entitled to me, and her family did nothing about it except watch it happen. She had 2 older sisters, a dad, and a mom to rely on for support. Instead, I feel as though my empathy was wrung out of me like a dirty cloth and any time I tried to stand up for myself I'd get lectured by Sara's mom. To make matters worse, every time Sara got her way, she smirked the same way all the cluster B people in my family smirks when they get their way over someone else getting their way. Like a brat who goes out of their way to blow out someone else's candles. I would get into trouble if Rachel's mom found out I had done something with Francine, that I needed to make it fair and do it with Sara too. Francine came from a bad home life, and we bonded over the parentification, where Sara was babied and given anything she could want or ask for. They had money, they had means of her getting therapy. Francine was raising her very young siblings and living with a grandmother, because the courts deemed them unfit to care for the children. Francine didn't get a break from parentification unless she was with me, so I prioritized her over Sara, since Sara had an entire family to rely on for things but Francine had no one.

Eventually I had ghosted Sara completely. Shortly after this, Rachel and Ashley also stopped being friends with her. I suppose she started trying to treat Rachel and Ashley the way she treated me, and they did not stand by for it. I can not stop ruminating over this relationship. It's keeping me up at night, I'm having nightmares about it.

I remember trying to explain to her that people will resent her because she thinks she's entitled to a friendship with someone but doesn't feel as though she has to respect boundaries and if she wanted to make friends, she should work on herself.

In our 20's she used to live with someone who had their son taken from her and do drugs while the baby was over in the kitchen licking the floor. Then Sara told me she would stop using hard drugs if she got pregnant, but wasn't willing to prevent the pregnancies from happening with birth control in the first place. I explained to her that is the exact thing my addict mom did, and that if she can't be sober without a screaming baby in the mix, she will not be able to stay sober while there is a screaming baby relying on her for everything.

I think about her a lot, I will never understand why she threw away her soft, cushy life for addiction. She came from a good family. I struggle with alcohol and I use medical marijuana, but I've known since I was about 9 that I have an addictive personality and that if something makes me feel good all I want to do is that thing. I knew before I smoked and drank that it would be an issue for me, which is why I was straight edge growing up. I'm not perfect and struggle with addictions too but I will never, ever bring a baby into this world because I cannot be a stable foundation for their lives and that is unfair to them.

I have no idea how to process this, but I'm pretty sure I have PDA autism and all of the extra demands I always had to complete with Sara made it unbearable to me...but when I remember Sara's personality from when we were kids, all I can think about is how hyper and embarrassing she was and that I really hope I never end up with a friend like her again. And that makes me feel like a total monster because even though I had too much on my plate, I could have been a better friend, or try to mediate it through our middle school counselor instead of me just abandoning her. My ex boyfriend used to google me a lot, and once he came across Sara's blog complaining about how Rachel, Ashley and I had all abandoned her. I brought it up with her a few times as an adult, but she blames me for everything or won't take accountability for it. To compound these issues, she is also homophobic and probably transphobic too; I myself am a trans guy and when she displayed disgust over a gay relationship in an anime she was obsessed with, I realized she had no idea who I was as a person, and that I didn't want to be friends with a homophobe.

I keep thinking about this because I'm trying to recover from all the cptsd and every time a mental health provider tells me I need a support system, I relive this relationship and I don't want to burden anyone with my issues, that is not fair to anyone.

I'm not sure how much my PDA comes into this, but I just don't think I can socialize because I'm so afraid of trauma dumping, or coming off as unregulated around others, that I'd rather spend all my time at home alone than making new friends who accept me for who I am, and not what I provide emotionally. I sometimes think about reaching out to her mom to ask why this happened, but I want this chapter of my life to be over. If I was allowed to present as a boy growing up, this friendship would have never happened, so there's some gender dysphoria happening here that I don' have the energy to try to write about.

I desperately want to be good friends with people, but not if I have to preform emotional labor without getting any return on that. I used to think I struggled with boundaries but now I think it's the people I'm telling the boundaries to being the issue.

I had a few other friendships around this time where people would lie to my face about how important I was to them so they could use my desktop computer or whatever else we had that they didn't, but Sara's was the absolute worse because her mom was backing her up the entire time.

Is it possible that I have a higher than average emotional intelligence, and that's why everyone wants me to preform emotional labor for them? I really don't think I have emotional intelligence since I was raised by someone with NPD, but this has been an ongoing theme in every friendship I have.