I've been in denial about my sexuality.

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Well for starters I had fell into adhd/autistic burn out which started before moving back to Denver and it wasn't getting better. My boyfriend just couldn't handle it anymore and to be fair our sex life was not very good. So he broke up with me and the timing was awful(not that there is a good time for that). We still live together and I am looking for some more suitable housing.

I didn't want it to end or so I thought and though he remained firm on his choice he was really struggling with it to. I knew deep down it was the right thing for us both but simultaneously desperately wanting a way to fix it.

It turns out I wasn't attracted to him the way I thought I was, I prefer women. He's the only one I've told and even that was hard, but it gave some context and now he doesn't have to worry about me longing we could sort it out. I don't think my family would necessarily react badly but I don't want any attention about it as I'm still having a hard time with it. I mostly feel horrified with some moments of relief because I'm not suppressing it but also, confused and guilty for not seeing that sooner. I also basically had a secret relationship with my friend when I was 15, we maintained we were just friends, but we were much more than that until she tried to frame me for a thing she did and so didn't end well. From then on I dated the opposite gender and just dismissed that first relationship as 'just experimenting' the betrayal hurt so I didn't want to admit I enjoyed that part(plus my upbringing/religion was not exactly encouraging about such things). In the most recent relationship I did have moments where I wondered but immediately pushed those thoughts deep down inside or just didn't think about it, because it was scary, life shattering ect.

I just feel like such an idiot, 11 freaking years in a relationship that could never work because somehow I tricked myself into thinking I just had bi-sexual tendencies but prefer men...and was making myself crazy/burnt out trying to 'save the relationship' when there was no way to save it because I don't lean that way. I just don't know why the feelings that come with this are so hard to deal with/process or even know what to do with. And I am going to post this before I chicken out and delete it.

Best of luck.

I really hope you can come to terms with your sexuality. It took me until I was in my mid 20's to come to terms with my sexuality. I'm gay and a liberal. Now I'm gay/asexual. Just be yourself and the hell with what others think. You matter and you are fine just the way you are. I'm glad you didn't chicken out and I'm glad you posted this. I hope others here will understand, but sometimes I also wonder whether or not I belong here.