Ages 14-19 : ooh_choc's struggle for self improvement
16 Sep 2007, 2:54 am
This is my story, about where I was, where I'm now, and what it took to get there.
I'm a 19 year old Australian. When I was 14 years old, my life was hell. I hated everything about it. There were countless things wrong with me, so here's just a shortened list to skim over:
- absolutely no self esteem (constant unstoppable self criticism 24/7)
- undiagnosed anxiety disorder
- extremely reclusive lifestyle
- no social skills
- under achieving at everything
- social isolation + years of zero contact with girls (single sex school)
The War Begins (14-15)
Ch1 - the war on depression pt1
Since then, my life has been a constant and intense battle against my own personal problems and shortcomings. I see it as a war, and as my purpose in life. It started on an ordinary day, which I still have some visual memories of, when I was walking the family dog to the park. As usual, I was engaged in self analysis, trying to objectively asses how intelligent/attractive/likeable/whatever I was, and as always, I was too emotionally involved to get anywhere.
While I can't remember my exact thought process, at some point I remembered a pedophile on parole whose psychiatrists advised him to clear his thoughts, whenever they strayed (my thoughts and memories bounce around almost randomly). Oddly enough, reading about that pedophile's personal struggle ignited my own, and while it seemed uneventful at the time, that day changed my life. I began to consciously apply his technique, to my own self critical thoughts. Although, at first, it seemed impossible, after weeks of trying, it began to work.
Over the year, my constant intrusive self devaluations stopped. It's hard to say how much I owe to hormonal changes, and how much to my desperate attempts to block the thoughts out, but either way, I discovered I could change myself.
Ch2 - the war on social anxiety begins
I can vividly remember a somewhat typical trip home from school on the harbour ferry. Somehow I made the mistake of sitting too close to the door, and when the ferry began to move, the winter wind started to make me freeze. At this point, most other people wouldn't think twice to either change seat, or close the door. I, however, acutely felt the presence of the handful of other people on the ferry, and was too terrified to do either. This is a very non-exceptional story of what my social anxiety was like to deal with. My depression dominated my mind, and my anxiety, limited my actions.
After my war on depression had started, and after I had begun to notice some slight improvements, I felt it was time to chip away at my social insecurities. I forced myself to do things which I was absolutely terrified of. One of my greatest battles was to sit on a train, on the seats that oppose the other passengers (so they're facing you). Bit by bit, I managed to gain confidence. After a year, I could hum for a short moment while walking through the city.
Ch3 - the war on isolation begins
I had a couple of friends, whom I had known since primary school. We used to sit around a table in the playground, and being a creature of strict routine, I always sat in the exact same position relative to the table. Unfortunately a couple of new, and rather unkind, people had joined our group and began to dominate the conversations. Unable to deal with them, I became absolutely silent every lunch. Sometimes someone might say something to me (eg, joke about me having exactly 1 facial expression), but for the most part of was silent, motionless, and stared endlessly at the green table.
One lunch they decided to pull over some chairs and make a circle next to the table. Being unwilling to joing the circle, I continued to sit silently (now by myself) in the exact same spot, still stareing at the table, while my "friends" sat in the circle next to it. That continued for about a year, before I moved to silently sitting in their circle. After a few months, I built up the confidence to interject a few times, and the unkind new people were merciful enough to ignore me.
Worth Living (16-17)
Ch4 - Girls
While my friends had met a few females, I got very little exposure to them, because my friends had given up inviting me to things (I rarely ever came). After fighting to become more confident, I had finally reached a state where I could turn up to social events, and stand/sit there silently. This was mostly uneventful, until one day, I was invited to a (very tame in retrospect) house warming party with a few real live human girls!
When the war began, I believed I almost no valueable traits. Although I didn't know it, I was actually blessed with many, one of which was a handsome face (I thought I was ugly). At the party a pair of girls found me amusing (and perhaps easy to take advantage of) and got me to join a game of UNO with them. My legs were visibly shaking, and I could barely speak, but they were very friendly to me.
A few days after the party, one of them got my MSN, and added me, and then began to flirt with me. Although I wasn't the least bit physically attracted to her (it's unpleasant to say she wasn't good looking, but that's just how it was), I reciprocated at first, believing now was my big chance. When I stopped, I was pretty much passed over to the other girl (who I also had no interest in), who'd also flirt heavily with me, while taking me to movies with a friend or two or hers under the pretense of being friends. I'd always come, stand silently, and give robotic answers to anything she said. Eventually she gave up, we became good friends, and over the next two years, I loosened up and became more chatty.
Partly because of my dressy sister, I also became a major metrosexual and fashion critic. In the old days, I used to dress entirely in the same ugly navy jumper.
Ch5 - the war on underachieving + a magic bullet
Around the same time I began to make my first female friends, I was self diagnosed with innatentive (non hyperactive) ADD, and then later had it confirmed by a doctor who prescribed ritalin. Whilst I still had zero listening or organisational skills, and was unable to do anything but stair at the wall in class, I was now able to sit down for a few hours in the weekend and read. To the absolute amasement of my teachers, I went from being third bottom of my grade at maths in year 10 (albeit at one of the most selective schools) to being 2nd out of the 40 people in my stream the next year. My position in the grade went from 160th to 60th (corresponding to in the top 30% in the state, to being in the top 3%).
Loving Life(18-present)
ch 6 - out of highschool
I am now enrolled in university (or college, as I believe American call it), studing commerce/computer science at my preferred first preference of uni. Almost immediately after leaving school, my quest for self improvement suddenly trippled in pace, and I feel as if a great weight has been lifted. I'm free.
Ch7 - seeking to perfect confidence
My confidence is very erratic. If you were to draw a line representing the spectrum of confidence, I'd fall nearly everywhere on it at different times. At times I have trouble making eye contact while renting a video, at other times, I'm told I appear eerily superconfident or assertive (and I feel it too). At the moment I'm succesfully attempting to decrease the amount of time I lack confidence. Partly I'm doing this through my old habbit of dareing myself. For instance, I bullied myself to walk into a high class bar for business people, and asked a group of strangers, "What are the social conventions here? I'm studying adults" (I'm aware that it's a pretentious question, but that makes it a scarier dare). Mostly, however, I'm just improving my confidence by being more social, and getting involved in a lot of extra curricular activities. Also, I've been auditioning for plays, and I've joined toastmasters.
Ch8 - love
I still don't have a girlfriend, but with my social skills vastly better than before, it's really only a matter of time. Over the past year and a bit, I've had crushes on 3 girls. Two of them were for a while were obiously quite into me at first, which was probably because of my appearance, and because they hadn't yet been exposed to how much of a nervous wreck I can be at times (like I said, my confidence is extremely erratic, often for no knowable reason). Lately I've been becoming much less of an idealist/romantic, and I'm now planning to stop waiting for once-in-a-lifetime Ms.Perfect, and give other relationships a chance.
Ch9 - the future/conclusion
When I was 14, my life was hell, and I thought I was completely worthless. Now I'm 19, and after 5.5 years of struggling, even though I still have things to overcome, I look forward to the future, and see nothing but opportunity. In a few years I'm going to start my own small IT business, and try and hit it big to be the next google/microsoft, but the truth is, even the idea of going bankrupt appeals to me. My problems are dissapearing, and I have everything in the world to look forward to.
