How to deal with AS friend who has worse AS?

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I hope I don't get yelled at for this. But here goes. I have a friend who I have known for almost 20 years who followed me when I moved cross country. This is really a strange case of AS attracts other AS. (I have AS) She worked as an answering service for the business I worked at and I got to know her over the phone. I've never met her in person because she doesn't want to be "seen" by others. I felt sorry for her 20 yrs ago that she had no friends because basically she was pretty cool so I left her Christmas gifts at the place I knew where she lived though she insisted she didn't live there but that she got the gifts anyway. Yeah right.

Anyways I moved 2000 miles away and she found a way to get in good with my ex-fiance's brother who I think has severe AS. Long story short three years after I moved she ended up in the same town as I moved. I think she has AS and lives with the AS brother of my ex. Over time she finally got a job where she goes out in the real world which I wholy support because she had no income and was at the mercy of this guy who is abusive to her.

The problem is every where she goes she gets into a fight with people whether its the grocery store or work. She of course sends me reports of each fight and how she was done wrong and drives me batty wanting advice on how to deal with people. Yeah part of the time those people are jerks. But she IMO has been picking fights with her co-workers. She got mad at one co-worker because of something the lady said so she started saying she had put a curse on that woman. And she really believes she cursed the woman and has power. She goes and tattle-tells on her co-workers to people in other depts just like she was a 5 yr old child and wonders why they treat her bad. She also wanted to learn to speak a foreign language because she thought it would "scare" the co-workers she hates.

Now she tells me she wants to switch jobs because she hates all her co-workers and asks me for advice. I think until she learns to get along with people she will face the same issue at every job. I mean part of working is finding a way to ignore/deal with people you would hate in the outside world. No situation is perfect. And no I don't think from what she has told me these co-workers are harassing her. If she is told she needs to go do this task she goes ballistic.

She is driving me nuts. I am her only friend in the world. She has no contact with family because she hates all them too. She calls me constantly to ask such things as what day should she get her hair cut, what salon should she go to, what should she order if she goes to a restaurant or if she should go to a doctor when she is feeling really ill and what day should she go to the doctor. She probably has something else going on besides just AS. But she won't even admit to the AS. How do I deal with this woman? She's in her early 40's and older than me but she acts like I am her parent almost!!

Send her what you posted here.

Actually I've told her pretty much the same thing that's she's driving me batty asking me to make decisions for her. And that she needs to make an effort to get along with others. And she just doesn't get it. She doesn't respond back to such remarks. Its as if it goes over her head. She has issues with dealing with things. Still she's my friend and I want to be a good friend, but its more responsibility than normal to expect a friend to make decisions for you on every day things.

Oh she even asks ME what days she should take off for vacation. But her vacations consist of sitting at home hiding in her bedroom from her abusive boyfriend.

I had a feeling you did tell her, but often people need to hear or see it in a different media.

Wow, I thought I knew weird AS people. You got me beat on this one. How DO you communicate with someone this far out?? I have a mate with whom I shared rent back before I met TM. Every time I ring him up, he asks me the same bloomin' idiotic questions like the week I moved out. He even asks them in the same sequence ! ! He's obssessed with R&B albums. His house is full of albums (the old vinyl sort.) He makes a bit of money finding them cheap and selling them on Ebay. Recently I came into possession of a boxful of them. But I WON'T ring him up because he'll ask the same bloomin' idiot questions ! !! It's been 17 bloody years ! !! He's soooo AS, and I'm sure he's still un-DX'd.

If someone has an answer for Ticker, I'll galdly use it also ....

would she take any notice if you asked her not to call on certain days of the week? At least that way you get a break.

I would give her some numbers for domestic abuse charities.

I guess its some consolation I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing. There's a guy at work who is no doubt AS that sounds like your vinyl records friend. lol Except this guy will have the same discussion over a specific football player every time that he speaks to me. Funny thing is when I talk to him just being friendly because he has few friends I'll start out like "hi how are you...how is such and such going"... and he gives me this strange look like "who the hell are you, why are you talking to me, I don't know you ..." and he runs off as if I was after him. Yet when people are on the phone at work he will holler across the room "HEEEEEYYYYY and the person's name and then "HEY!, HEY!" in order to start an across the room conversation with them. I highly suspect this is why he got discharged from Army despite being tall, strong and strapping fella. It must be because they detected a loose screw. He has no indication of any physical injuries related to combat that would have gotten him discharged. Unless its a head injury.

But back to my longtime friend... she starts almost every phone call with "okay what would you do?" She starts some emails that way too. Its just weird why I am expected to make decisions for someone who I have never even seen in person. She still refuses to meet in person even though she moved cross country to live again in same town with me and we have only have phone, mail and email communication the two decades we have known each other. During times she has been really depressed I have offered to take her out to movies, dinner and pay her way and she will not meet. She hides in the backroom or closet when his relatives come over for a visit. However I'm delighted for her she can at least go out in public and work now and she even took a college class a few years ago.

And like Professor's vinyl obsessed friend, my friend still keeps up more with the newspapers of the town we used to live in instead of the town we currently live in. She does online searches apparently daily of everyone we used to work with in the other town and she emails me what they have been up to, who's kid got arrested for DUI's, etc. lol Its like she is stuck in that place and time.

It's difficult isn't it, if she doesn't recognise that she's got a problem, but thinks it's everyone else.
I'm wondering if she doesn't like to meet people face to face, would some kind of online support group be able to help? I was thinking of here maybe? If she could get some advice from other people as well as you, you wouldn't have so much responsibility.
I feel sorry for her. And you too Ticker. It must be hard to be someone's only support, and it sounds like your friend has so little confidence to make any kind of decision for herself.

Sounds like she has battered wife syndrome, which is more serious than AS for her.

I'm not so sure she has AS. Maybe, schizotypal personality disorder, or something else? If you were to find a therapist that will speak to her on the phone do you think she'd go for it? Obviously, she's got more on her plate then what you can help her with. She really needs some professional help, which is of course, hard when she won't recognize that she's got a problem. One thing I do know for sure, is that the world could use more people as tolerant, and patient as you are Ticker.

OK, what would you do .....

I don't know. All I know is before you can look after someone else, you have to look after yourself first.

Summed perfectly. If said friend is making you misery, they are not a friend. dont let guilt tell you otherwise. we are all in this alone!

Oh Bazza! That was cruel. Shame on you!

Starr- I don't think online support groups will help such as here because can't get her to admit anything is wrong with her. You know its everyone else that has problems. I suggested her boyfriend has AS in hopes she would read about it. But she makes no remark after I mention it. He has AS in a bad way and is 45 and getting bullied at work because all he talks about is playing with his RC cars like a child while all his co-workers are married and fathers. So he gets depressed, drinks a lot and then takes it out on her. Since he has no friends he won't allow her to talk on the phone and especially not to me. I lived with his sister for a year and she is almost as bad in her controlling behaviors and has no friends. Their mom is weird too and sticks her tongue out at waitresses. I quit going to dinner with them because of that.

btw- his sister is the psycho I talked about a long time ago who wouldn't invite me to holiday dinners anymore because I refused to wash the dishes. She had issued several invitations to visit her friend's house to me before with the stipulation that I had to wash the dishes. The other guests got to sit and talk and I had worked overtime for weeks and was exhausted. So I refused to be the cleaning girl. Plus she pitched a fit on me over my food allergies.

So through my long time friend I still have sort of a connection to this psycho AS + BiPolar family because of my friend is living with the brother and even though she has a job now I have been unable to convince her to move out. I think he even beats her though she won't admit it.

Your friend's boyfriend is taking out his frustrations at work on your friend? What a horrible situation. Could she afford to live on her own? That's why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships, because they can't see any alternative. If he's beating her, that's awful. I'm not surprised she is so lacking in confidence if that's the way she's being treated.
Your friend's mother is a bit...strange. Is there anyone 'normal'/reasonable in her family that could help her, maybe let her stay for a while and give her a break? Perhaps if she gets out of that situation with her boyfriend she might be able to get some perspective on it and realize it's abusive.
It must be so frustrating for you to see what's going on and not be able to do anything
If it's getting you down though, I think you have to give yourself a break and be 'unavailable' sometimes.

Gawd! She wouldn't win a 'hostess of the year cotest' would she? Come to dinner and bring your rubber gloves and pan scourer, lol.