Was I better off before or am I better off now?

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If you think I was better off before, do you think it's possible for me to go back to that state of being? Or have I gone too far into the rabbit's hole?

Last edited by Mw99 on 05 Dec 2007, 7:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think it's possible for you to be "better" again; even better than before.

I am going through a similar thing. Now that I know I am autistic, I feel very self conscious. Whereas, before, I was sort of oblivious. So, it may seem that things are worse.

On the other hand, I know this is just a phase, and eventually, I will feel more integrated into this world, and less lonely--which is what I want.

Great post!

I don't know you on a personal basis, only from a handful of posts here on WP. So I might be totally wrong, but I'm guessing that the way you feel has more to do with some kind of non-AS related issues. Did someone say something mean to you in the past 7 years that made you lose self esteem? Have you had a break-up? Lost a loved one or dear friend? See where I am getting at here? Maybe it's a combination of AS and a personal issue? Talk to us.

"ignorance is bliss" v. "all knowledge is good"

When did you find out about AS, 6 yrs ago?

If your self esteem has not recovered for that long, you may want to consider some professional help.

IMO its better to know than not know (but I didn't always think that, and no way am I going to tell relatives (cousins) that I think they have AS too).

you have gone too far into the rabbit hole but guess what. We all do it when taking closer looks at ourselves and having that overly critical mind will do that to you too.

My father thought all the weird things I did as a child along with my brother was a sign of intelligence. I think it actually is. Focus on what you do have because I haven't met a single person that can do it all and do it well.

Everyone has their pluses and minuses and I feel that people trying to push someone with no compromise and no guidelines into a world that isn't familiar truely don't get it and never will.

This does not mean you cannot improve. You can. You just need guidance if you don't have your own inner guide. I have an inner guide but I know that not everyone has that. Even with my own inner guide, I'm not always successful but I'm also not a quitter. There are those days though where I just want to be away from everything and everyone.

Searching for a job after I graduated from college felt like a nightmare. My resume got me interviews, but my interviewing skills did not help me get a job offer. Many of the interviewers were cold and abrasive, some were sarcastic, and very few of them seemed to take me seriously. Several months after I started my job search, after a lot of failed interviews, I found a job, which is not too stressful, but it's not the job I wanted to end up doing.

Do you feel you are stuck in a loop?

I feel like I'm stuck following a road that leads nowhere.

>>>"ignorance is bliss" v. "all knowledge is good"

I'm not a fan of knowledge myself. Knowledge is all just made up stuff anyway. Who cares that in the math realm 2+2=4 How does that apply to real life? See, everything is just arbitrary and made up. It is supposed to be applicable to the real world, but a lot of times people just apply it wrong.

>>>>When did you find out about AS, 6 yrs ago?

I was diagnosed with PDD as a teenager, well actually I was diagnosed with just about everything. I have no faith in the "profession" They are all just fools who don't care what they are doing, trying to uphold a messed up society.

>>>If your self esteem has not recovered for that long, you may want to consider some professional help.

Beware of this so called help, I almost had myself completely torn apart and destroyed by it.

>>>IMO its better to know than not know (but I didn't always think that, and no way am I going to tell relatives (cousins) that I think they have AS too).

It isn't important what people think, it is what they do that matters.

I'm glad I know, less happy but more glad.

What do you want to do with your life? I myself would love to be able to go back to college, to work, to be productive. But I am broken down physically now and at 48 years old, am facing the reality that I cannot have a career. How old are you? Are you able to take the bull by the horns and change things? I love this poem:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not preaching god or religion to you here. My point is to let you know that if you ARE able to change things, DO IT. If you can't, learn to accept it. That is where I am having trouble in my life right now... acceptance of the fact that I will be a stay at home mom and grandma the rest of my life.

I remember reading the advice column that the late Dear Abby wrote. This isn't verbatim, it's just the general gist: Some guy wrote in to her one day and said he had always wanted to be a doctor but his life passed him by really fast while he was tending to various responsibilities and now that he could finally go to school, he was too old to go. He explained how he'd be in his late 50's by the time he graduated if he started college now. Dear Abby said to him "You're still going to be in your late 50's one day, with or without a degree. You can be a 50 year old doctor, or a 50 year old wishing he had become a doctor."

Very wise words indeed.

Look at how far Heather went in the ANTM show. She should be a beacon of light for us all. They say whatever it is you're afraid of, you should face those fears. Are you afraid of more bad interviews? Prepare yourself, practice facial expressions in the mirror, practice firm handshakes with friends and family, practice eye contact (one trick is to watch the persons mouth while they talk instead of their eyes), practice smiling, etc. Think of things an interviewer might ask you, and think of answers to those questions. And last but not least, be an actor. Walk into the interview as if you are somebody important. Pretend that you are self assured and self confident. Hold your head up, pull your shoulders back, smile. You can do it, I know you can! I have faith in you!

It seems to me that you are overcompensating for faults and shortcomings you see in yourself . 6 years ago you were just being yourself and it appears you were happier then . I assume at some point you decided (for whatever reason) that you needed to change certain aspects of your personality . I believe that most people with AS symptoms go through this at some point in their lives . As you have demonstrated , we must take care to balance our desires 'to be normal' with the reality of our fundamental personality traits . Being different is not a bad thing . On the other hand , being an obnoxious know-it-all probably is not good for the individual (or society) . I hope you can find a balance that allows you to be passionate about your interests and reduce the antisocial behaviors you listed as '6 years ago' .
I find it useful to recall the Boy Scout requirements . "A Boy Scout is Trustworthy , Loyal , Helpful , Friendly , Courteous , Kind ....." . This first part describes the qualities of someone you want to get to know . By exhibiting these traits I find myself happier and more able to mix socially . Good Luck .

I am definitely better off now than I was growing up.

I voted "better off now"

Although your emotional state is worse, you have learned a lot.

Coping mechanisms that you have learned, like keeping your mouth shut, are fine.

You just need to be more accepting of yourself, and then you'll be fine.

I believe ur better off now even though ur goin thru a small patch i believe u can get thru dis patch it won't b easy but if u fink optimistic u will get there.

Great answers. Thanks a lot guys .