Mother Issues

Post Reply New Topic

I want to be one of those women at the mall (on a quiet day) with her mom and children, having lunch and listening to good parenting advice, fondly remembering my childhood. I want her to be proud of me, accept me for who I am (even my AS) and love me unconditionally. I want to have brunch with her, have her driving me nuts with all sorts of practical motherly advice, show up to visit my kids and spoil her grandchildren. I want her to call me on the phone, ask how her precious grandkids are, ask how I'm doing and if I'm taking good enough care of myself. I want her to say, "You know Siuan, I don't get to see you and the kids enough. Why don't I come out on my day off and we'll take the kids to the zoo."

My mother would never go to a mall with me, has no good parenting advice, and the few fond memories from childhood don't have her in them. She does not accept me for who I am, not does she even grasp the concept of AS. She definitely doesn't love me, much less unconditionally. I've never had brunch, or any other meal with her aside from the McDonald's she fed us nightly because she didn't cook. Except for the one day I took her to dinner, and she had me in tears the following day saying to me on the phone that I had treated her horribly. Lies. She never says she wants to see her grandkids, but she prints their photos from the internet and shows them off like trophies at work, faking the doting grandmother role. When she calls, she talks endlessly about work and the people she works with, and all of their personal business. As if I care? I don't know these people! And she never asks about me. When she asks about the kids, it's some half-assed I-know-I-should sort of gesture. And she has not ONCE come out just to visit. Not once.

Last month I graduated college (Dec. 21). I attended alone. My husband had to watch our children, as we had no sitter at the last minute. Awesome guy that he is, he even had gone SHOPPING to buy new slacks and a belt so he could look extra nice. He also bought be an iPod And he did make me feel special, he was proud of me. I love my husband.

Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for my mother - who didn't even bother with a freakin card. Her first child to graduate college, and it's not even worth a card? On Christmas day, she didn't even call. Not even for her grandkids!! ! And my son's 2nd birthday (December) also came and went without so much as a phone call or a card in the mail. Nothing.

So tell me, why did I spend thirty minutes the other night sobbing so hard I couldn't even get words out coherently, because of this woman? She's not worth it. And yet, it still cuts me to the core that the woman who gave me life acts as if she wishes I'd never been born. It all came to a head the other night and I just broke down. I've only got one mother, and she doesn't care about me. Not only am I missing out on a mother, but my kids are missing out on a grandmother.

Dear Siuan, I am very , very proud of you.....Keep looking ahead, not in the past, you deserve what you have worked so hard for....Peace...

Hey,

My father isn't this bad, but I never learned any of life's important skills because he never took the time to teach me. If it didn't interest him, he didn't want to know, but if he wanted to do something, we were expected to drop everything and stand in line. I'm severely impaired because of what he didn't do.

He also tried to push my mother away. This year I spent Christmas with her for the first time in 15 years, and Dad went nuts because he wanted me to spend time with him and the family - who he has brainwashed into believing that Mum tried to take us away and leave us with nothing. So many horrible lies and how she was trying to sabotage our family... when she wanted contact with her children who were being systematically brainwashed into hating her, except for one, who saw through the lies - that was me. I had no idea what it was I was looking at, but the whole time I knew something was amiss.

In some small way, Siuan, I know how you feel. My Dad doesn't reject me, but he's a control freak who chucks a fit like a sissy girl when he doesn't get his way. Yet he always defuses our arguments by guilt tripping me with things like "we are your family" and "what if... how would you feel if..." etc. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Mm, yes, guilt trips. I'm profoundly familiar with those, as they were a way of life. I'm sorry your situation was that way...but it is good that you see it is manipulation and not the way you should be feeling.

im sorry to hear this siuan. my family relationships are less than ideal... but i dont hae kids and im not sure what would happen.

grats on college graduation! what degree did you obtain?

Siuan,

I'm sorry that your mother isn't being a bit more "family"...

It's really hard when there aren't any opportunities for you to have time out. You husband sounds like quite a guy - hopefully he takes care of the kids sometimes so you can go out and do some "ME" things. The problem is that marriages need to be worked on, so BOTH of you need to get out together sometimes (without kids). Parents and Parents-in-law are the default babysitters.

What are your in-laws like, do they mind the kids?

Can you tell your mother that your kids want a "holiday" with Grandma (one at a time)?

My parents and parents-in-law are old/sick and can't look after our boys much but I've reminded my mother that things won't get better - this is after all, the fittest she's going to be from now on.... So she looks after the kids one at at time and while she's tired when they leave, I can tell that she did enjoy things.