Lack of intimate friendships/relationships

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Hi: I'm new. Just wondering if you other women have this issue. I desire friendships & relationships, but when it comes down to it, I feel like they're too much work & back away. I pursue these relationships doggedly, sometimes, then it's as if I think, "Wow, if this person likes me back, there must be something wrong with him/her!" This relates to girl-pals, & boyfriends/romance. Even when I start a job or new social situation, I feel like I have to struggle to act a certain way, ("normal?"), in order to keep things from blowing up, and it's hard work. Typically, it blows up anyway. Anybody else feel like that?

Yes I do...most of the time I feel this way. I have always felt this way.
I can't imagine myself NOT feeling that way.

I know- I see people seemingly effortlessly able to "make a friendship connection." There are so many unspoken rules I never knew. Now that I know some of the rules I try to follow them but it is so hard to feel connected for real, not just (for instance) because we both recently had knee surgery.
I don't mean effortlessly exactly, as I know that maintaining a relationship takes care and attention, but that some women are just able to bond easily with other women.
For awhile I had decided that I am not really a woman- then I found out that a lot of other aspies feel "gender-neutral."

I have friends although most are NTs and I notice that they tend to work very hard to maintain contact with me. I feel bad, but I get lost in my own world of interests and writing. Since high school I've warned people interested in being friends with me that I am a difficult friend at best. My one Aspie (suspected Aspie I should say) friend is just like me. We'll go for long periods not speaking, then suddenly talk as if no time has passed at all.

My husband makes friends easily. He's totally in tune with the NT thing. He has typical NT friends and we share intellectual NT friends where I can talk to them about interesting things. They aren't into social chitchat. He doesn't take me around those friends because I'll get up and wander away. It isn't that I think they are bad, but I'm just not interested in talking about tv shows as if they are real, gossip, children, etc. If they wanted to talk about Jupiter, dark matter or super novas, I'd be right there, but not the other stuff. So that's how we work it.

Look for people who share your interests and forget what NTs term friendship. You're not going to be interested in that anyway and who cares if you are? NT socializing is just a constant way of assessing friend or foe, team member or opponent, etc. They are just assessing each other as to how well they will fit in the social cooperative. That's cool for them because it's what their brain gears them toward, but you have your own thing. There's plenty of places to find people who like the same particular interests as you. Go find them and hang out talking about those things. Don't let other people define what works for you.

Thanks for all the feedback, everybody. It made me feel a little more "normal," esp the recommendation to avoid defining friendship in NT terms. As for the two populations I mentioned, (girlpals & boyfriends/romance), that probably didn't come out right. The platonic friends I get along with the best seem to be guys, because I think NT women have a lot more rules in their relationships, & many (not all) such women have such self-esteem issues that they seem to really enjoy seeing their friends fail. Guys (again, not all) are more superficial, and that makes them easier to connect with comfortably. If I don't follow the "friendship rules," they don't care, and they can handle honesty better ("Yes, that sweater does make you look fat! ). Furthermore, I can handle their "honesty" better, because I don't sense hidden agendas as often. Again, I think women hurt their women friends sometimes because they've been made to feel like less than what they are. It's sad, really.

I have one close friend. Sometiems I want more but then I remember what my life was like when I had more, and realize I don't want to live like that. I need a lot of alone time

I've only ever really needed one friend at a time. Other friendships seem to be based on whatever interest we have in common at the time and when that's over I just fail miserably at keeping in touch. It almost seems that without the common interest I just tend to 'forget' about them - or withdraw because I find it difficult or lose interest without the common bond.

Luckily, my friend now is my friend for the rest of my life.

I married him.

Disappointment in myself for being a crap friend is over. Phew. Our common interest is our life together.

if i do bond with anyone the tend to be males,although at my age now a lot of people assume your after their boyfriends or just seem to presume because i cant maintain eye contact untill i feel safe and im crap at chit chat that im not worth taking the time to get to know, so sod them all.