Never ready

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That sums it up, really. Since breaking up with my girlfriend, I've been dreading the day that she decided to move on. Even after we broke up, she was my rock - but as time passed and she became more short tempered with me and started going out partying more and more, I began to realise that our time had passed and she was looking for someone new. Even when we broke up and she said she wouldn't be pursuing another relationship during our time at Uni due to her plans to see the world when we graduate, I knew deep in my heart that this wasn't true - she's so much like me, I know that she can't keep going alone. Needs someone else to lean on, to care for, and to care for her. For me, even after we broke up, it continued to be her - and for a while, that was reciprocal. But, as is inevitable when it was she that decided we should no longer be an item, her interest has faded long before mine. While I would not be lying to say that I want to see her happy whatever the cost, I had hoped that it would continue to be me making her happy for a little longer. Hanging on to a fool's dream, of course. It wasn't until tonight when I went to a concert with several friends and saw her mingling with various gents (by this I mean no slur on her character), it really hit home. Spoiled my evening, but I went home and wrote an article about the gig to accompany me photos for the student newspaper, and... well, tried to forget it. But then, she comes home and says that she "isn't right for anyone"... and when I ask what is bothering her in hope that I can cheer her up, the horrible reality finally explodes in my face in the most undeniable of fashions - "the people I like rarely seem to like me". While it saddens me to know that she feels this way, I know that I can no longer deny the way things are - but neither can I deny that I am completely unready for this. I am still very much in love with her, and... well, she was right for me. Maybe I wasn't right for her, but she was right for me... And I cannot endure the pain of watching her drift to someone else. Nor can I face the dread of when she does, and brings them back to our house (we live with a few friends) - that when I sleep at night they will be in the bed together that once I shared with her. Sharing the hugs the I would kill for, and the feelings that I would die for. I really... am not ready. In the slightest. And I can't turn to my best friend for help, because my former partner and best friend are the same person. I feel almost selfish, thinking like this... but I really cannot imagine how to cope with this. The feeling of being unable to do anything is crushing - I would trade my whole world for one more day of her and I being... us. But of course, all is far, far beyond my control. My emotions have seized up and I just feel trapped under all of this. At 4am. With nobody to talk to. Even though the one person whose words mean most to me is awake on the other side of the wall I lean against as I type. In short... ARGH

Update - made myself vomit on an impulse. Strangely made me feel better, but only a little.

*edit* No, actually, now I have terrible stomach cramps. Bugger.

They always say that we will never find happiness with another until we can learn to be happy alone.
I begin to think that is true as if we need another, then it tends to suggest we are lacking something ourselves...a need thing. Story of my life.

I can't even bring myself to do anything now. I've fallen into a chasm and don't know how get out. I just feel as if the stubborn determination that usually motivates me has suddenly... snapped.

Better than me, I tend to think there is some vile god out there that mocks and laughs at our attempts to find happiness. Heh.
I think longlasting love and joy are the thing of myth and the luck of a very few people.

At least you've gone through a relationship. I never have. Man, for a person my age, it can be really antagonizing seeing other students around me have a companion. I'm just so sick of feeling alone all the time. I want a TRUE friendship, not one that's off-and-on or one that ends on a low note. It's as if I'm not supposed to have a friendship or a relationship until long after I finish ALL of school for good, and that includes undergraduate work AND graduate work. I have been left behind, left in the dark, and left out in the cold for FAR TOO LONG!!

Sorry, I just had to rant.

Anyway, I hope it all works out, violentcloud.