Question to the 40+ crowd...

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Do you have any "loved ones" to live for??

I don't. No contact with family, relatives and no close friends. I sometimes am overcome by a feeling of uselessness. Sometimes I'm taken by the belief that our reason to exist is to give to others and take from them, and without that it's a useless life.

I helped raise my 3 nephews and niece, but my sister separated me from them when they were old enough and didn't need a baby-sitter anymore. I have nobody to give to, nobody who wants a giving relationship with me, I mean.

During the holiday season, people express warm wishes for you and your "loved ones". As if everyone had loved ones, as if it was unconceivable not to. It makes me feel so alien to this world.

Suggest you volunteer at an old folks home or home for the infirm/mentally disabled. You'll be needed there more than you can imagine.

Thats why i have pets. my 2 dogs need me and are very hungry for affection. it's the fur family. gives me a reason to do things, to live, survive, thrive...all that.

What do you do with them when you have to go away for a few days?

I take them with me. I have a campervan. I also know a local dog minder. They're indoor dogs so you need to know other people with indoor pets for mutual dogminding stuff. It's like knowing other people with kids, the same interests, same issues arise.

Its really true. Older people don't have as good of vision as younger ones and can't judge you by your facial expressions and body language. They tend to see you as you really are and not the way your body language portrays you.

Yes, it can make you feel alien and alienated, all that 'friends and family' holiday greeting stuff when you're on your own. It's like the Hollywood version of reality - everyone must be surrounded by smiling, well-behaved kids and an adoring partner, and you've got 12 close friends coming round for dinner...

I think the pet idea's a good one. I've always had cats, they have been my life's companions really, people have come and gone but cats are a constant. Dogs are great for getting out of the house, and other dog walkers like to chat.

Also, as has been said, lots of places need volunteers. Not sure what's available in your area Greentea but you'd be welcome I'm sure. I sometimes do a voluntary reading scheme at our local library which helps me to meet people.

But I'm not sure that's what you're saying...

I think I understand what you mean. It's good if you're in a situation where you can give and take with others, sure. But sometimes life circumstances seem to force you to be alone for a while. That's not easy, but you have a right to exist independently from what you give or take from others. No-one is useless. Maybe you just need to dig deep and see what's inside, waiting to come out? Sometimes we spend so many years looking after others that that's how we identify ourselves. We lose our sense of who we are and what it is we really need to do. Have you any neglected hobbies? Something you used to enjoy doing years ago but stopped? Had any ideas for doing something completely different? Might be a good place to start.

Sorry, hehe, rabbitting on so much I didn't answer your original question :-



I do have loved ones. But I've also loved people in the past who are no longer around...so I don't have a great sense of security from that. I just try and enjoy it while it lasts. I live with them, but I don't live for them, if you know what I mean.

I have 'loved ones'. Two children, two grandchildren and lots of people I know and have known. This is probably not in the NT love sense as I view love as an advanced version of like and I like people who accept me for what I am.

Loving them doesn't mean I want to live with them (although I do have a current partner) and I certainly do not live 'for them'. I live for me and persuing my interests. If others fit in with that then fine if not I'm fine as I am, just shut the door on your way out.

I have found that as I have aged I have become a bit more reclusive, more set in my ways and more cocoon like. In a sense I have de-evolved, and have become somewhat bored with life.

Completely unsatisfied with this status quo, I decided a few years back to do something about it. But what the hell should I do? Much time was spent contemplating new changes that I must make in my life and deternining what was holding me back. I must contine to evolve, but along which evolutionary path?

Being an Aspie like creature, I shyed away from change and found comfort in my routine. A routine that no longer fulfilled my desires , wishes and capabilites. My routine was holding me back. Could I emulate a Galapagos Iguana and learn to live and eat seaweed under the ocean? I do like sushi wrapped in seaweed but I don't think that counts.

Evolution is a slow process and my personal evolution was no different. I set some goals. One of those goals was to get out and make some more personal connections as my work is somewhat insulating. Similar to some previous posters I selected volunteering to fulfill this goal.

In an attempt to tackle one of my habits (addictions) that was holding me back, I decided to tackle TV. My default mechanism during my downtime was TV. TV would turn my brain into a quivering vegatative state and my body into a bowl of jelley. There is no greater force of initeria than TV. My TV button was becoming my connection with the outside world. Despite the proliferation of reality TV, my connection with those outside was lacking as it was not real.

So what have I accomplished in those 2 years since I set those goals. I did not make it very far in the first year as a result of sickness of a family member. During the second year I did manage to volunteer and it has been very fulfilling for me so far! I also managed to stop watching TV, cold turkey for a month. But it seems that TV has got a hold of me again, in fact more strongly, and I must mount another quest to break it 's clutches on me.

So what is the point of my post? What is my advice? My advice to Greentea would be to look very closely and truthfully at yourself and determine your capabilities and desires. Then finish your cup of tea and read those tea leaves and determine the path you want to take. Muster all the courage you have within and try to make those necessary changes and don't get too frustrated if it takes much longer than you expect.

wow although I have family. I know what you mean. When I was little my eyes glowed up towards christmas time. Now when christmas comes around I'm like a vampire exposed to light. although im nowhere near 40 so i dont know

I have a seven year old probably on the spectrum daughter. I have to live long enough to see her grow up at the very least. I live for her. I also have my other three children and four grandchildren.

I am not always connected to my bio family, even my children as much as you'd think. The place in my heart for family that really understands me is harder to fill than simply having people related to me by blood. I collect shiners as family. These are people, male and female, who are out of the ordinary. I call them shiners because there's generally a glow to them figuratively speaking. They are also usually wounded by life. These are my family and they come and go.

Not really.
Parents dead, rest of family are people with whom I don't get along or they're so geographically distant that I cannot attain or maintain familiarity, "knowingness", between us.
Thank goodness I have my cat, creature I care for (emotionally & practically).

Have no tolerance for children, so will not be making offspring (creating a family)-thus, that makes it more likely I'll be lonely-merely for fact of aging (no new young people as relatives).

That does make sense to me-not in regards to you, but about self (and my outlook). Can be tough finding a mutually acceptable & rewarding relationship in which to exchange types of assistance (based on each person's respective ability profile).

Holidays depress me-I say that they're created to torment "orphans" (lacking living relatives) & "single" people (those who wish they had significant other but do not have one), as holidays are focused on the people one has in one's life (be they family, friends, or spouse).

Belfast, thanks for sharing, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one... I too don't want children, so that makes the big difference about having "loved ones".

Hey, thanks for not throwing out/rejecting my comment-though I'm technically under 40 !

But yeah, the whole "I'm not gonna' procreate" thing can make big difference for how one sees one's future-whether there will be additional members of family to anticipate (and regenerate).

I feel much the same. I'm kinda feeling down about the whole thing this weekend because on Friday a co-worker at my new job kept quizzing me "are you married" & "do you have children". I resent those kinds of questions and think its nosy to ask personal questions such as that. Its as if our own worthiness to live on Earth should be determined by if we have a family.

I have several friends though mostly they do not call me as they are generally in a state of depression and do not speak to others anymore. When it comes to the holidays having friends doesn't mean anything. I mean they all go out of state to visit family so there is no one that would invite me for a holiday dinner or would want to spend it with me therefore I spend all holidays alone since my family is so many thousands of miles away that I cannot visit them.