my son's social skills

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Hi, everyone. I'm a parent of a 9 year old boy with high functioning autism. He's doing terrific but has significant social trouble mostly when dealing with his peers. He becomes very anxious and agitated when forced to interact but tries so hard. I'm struggling with whether to concentrate on social skills development or to just allow him to be him. I'm curious as to what adults with autism and Asperger's think. Do you wish you had had more social skills training as a youngster? Do you feel it might have helped the difficulties (bullying, isolation, depression) or if you had significant social skills training, do you feel it was beneficial in your adult life? Or was it too painful with not much payoff?

Thanks.

Goodmom

In my opinion, it have been very usefull the social skils that I have been practicing since I learn about my AS. So definitly I thik that it could be of great help.

I think it would have benefited me as a child if I had a specialist like an OT or psychologist that taught social skills. I learnt socializing within the context of a music performance class in highschool and martial arts training as a young adult. I honestly didn't begin to fathom proper interaction till I was 25 and even at 28 I was still incredibily naive and immature which probably contributed to several failed romatic relationships.

So I think allowing the child to engage in activity groups helps, but you can't push them if they aren't interested. I think a lot of parents mistakingly try to force things on Aspies. You can't make them the life of the party and they probably never will get to that point anyway. Just let them be themselves and at home guide them in conversations pointing GENTLY which behaviors they need to alter.

One such behavior is how many young Aspie men stalk after women. Though they mean no harm at all it does come across as stalking behavior which loses them friends and may get them arrested. I have seen moms of Aspies mistakingly encourage their adult sons to "never give up", "keep asking her out", "talk to her every time you see her", etc. The parent doesn't realize the Aspie son does not fully comprehend the behavior the advice and the son ends up pursuing a woman relentlessly till she is scared for her life.

Sorry this is long, but what I am trying to express is be careful as parents what you teach your Aspies and think first how they will "perceive" that advice.

My daughter is 14 with AS and she was diagnosed officially 4 years ago. Prior to that it was ADHD and PDD-NOS. She too was severly lacking in social skills, but now after years and years of therapy and teaching, she's learned to fake it quite nicely. She thinks of it all as social tricks. It does wear on her though. She needs downtime away from people as well. It helps her get through school and also she desperately wants friends. She's never had one outside of school, the phone never rings, etc. If she didn't care much about having friends, we would follow her lead, however I think we still would teach her what she needed to know to navigate.

We've specifically taught things such as greeting and goodbyes, euphamisms, sarcasm, gullibility, knowing your audience (she likes to tell jokes), and a host of other things as they come up. We have a therapist that both works with her at home, and visits her school once a week to help keep her aides on track, and to head off any problems with teachers or other kids. I basically use everyday experiences to teach her...it never ends really. She is now working on self-advocacy. Now that she can navigate a little better, she needs to teach people about who she is, how she thinks, and how they can understand. It is a two way street

I remember one of my doctors told me parents of Aspies need to spend time teaching them how to real facial expressions and body language. She said my parents should have taught me so I would have less troubles.