Desire to slip away into nothing

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Sometimes I want to slip away into nothingness, I don't want to kill myself I just want to cease to exist sometimes. I am afraid I am not good enough that I have shammed my parents for being autistic I have brought them great pain and yes great joy but I can't help but think I should not have brought them any pain. My parents are good people and they adopted me but I feel sometimes I have failed as a son, my brother and sister both are married my brother is a father and I am afraid I am a disappointment. I won't ever give my parents grandkids I know they would love about ten or so but I just can't I wouldn't make a good father nor do I have the desire to raise kids. I worry that my therapy takes up to much money, money they could use to retire, because of circumstances they can't ever retire and keep the quality of life they have right now but if I was gone killed by someone or something like that they would just bury me and they could retire instead looking after me.

I wish I would just disappear and be gone from their memories so they could be happy I am nothing but a burden on my family they deserve to be really happy and to be free.

I am sure your parents wouldn't share these thoughts, I think most parents only want whats best for their
children, you are being your worst critic, you know you can't erase yourself from your parents memories.

I know but I worry so much about them and I just want to see them happy, I am not the easiest person got get along with and I am so scared what happens when I fall in love what if I fall in love with another person with asperger's my god I drive my parents crazy as it is. My happiness should come after theirs I have taken far to much. I wish their was a pill to make them forget to make them to never want to desire to think of me again.

I use to have similar thoughts, this was before I knew I had aspergers, I felt I was to much trouble and wished
I was never born, I told my mom and dad how I felt, and they were hurt, they told me they loved me regardless
of any faults I thought I had.

I know that mine would say the same but what if I never succeed in life what if I am a failure. What if I shame my family's name it would be to much I would most likely hurt myself like I did in the past, cutting myself, beating myself, etc.

I imagine your parents love you. If they have the normal love of a parent for their child, your disappearing would likely cause unending heartbreak. When it comes to intense human relationships, such as parent and child, there are good times and hard times. I think all parents worry about their children and want what is best for them. The thing I think any parent wants most for their children, is for them to be happy.
For me, having grandchildren doesn't come in to it. I just want my children to be happy.
So, if you want to make your parents happy, maybe the best way to do this (possibly!! !) is to look to find self acceptance and inner contentment. I am sure you have many exceptional qualities.