Why do people ask, "How are you doing?"?

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Why do they ask that when they do not want an honest reply, and get annoyed if you tell them honestly? It irritates me!! Nearly every time someone asks me this I hesitate because I have to stop and think about how I am doing and how to reply.

My first reaction is to tell them that I am having a crummy (or nice or okay) day and why, but most of them do not even stay around long enough to hear!

It has gotten to where I just shrug and smile, and maybe say, "Oh, okay", since they seem to want a short, succint answer. Then they stop and say, "Okay? OKAY? That's all? OKAY?! !!", which again prompts me to answer honestly and tell them that so far, the day sucks.

If it has been really bad, I will say, "I'm here." :shrug and smile: Meaning, I haven't died or commited suicide yet. My boss got mad at me for that: "Yuu're here, huh? Is it so bad to be at work, to have a job? etc etc". I didn't mean anything against the job, only that I was here, as in, *here*, in life.

I know that the expected reply is "I'm fine thank you, how are you?", but I just can't choke it out if I don't mean it, and when I ask someone how they are, I mean it. If I ask that, I am prepared to stand there and listen when they say that a truck fell on their head and their dogs died, etc etc....It would *bother* me if they said they were fine under those circumstances.

This is a very small ritual question, but it is so prevalent that it annoys me daily....

I have the same problem but now I say the expected answer, but people seem to notice that this is done mecanically and they ask what is going on. I really do not understand why they ask if they do not really want to know.

Loy

It took me a long time to master this automatic reply, but I now have it down so well that I feel like a computer. If someone comes up to me and says "How are you doing?" I immediately, and almost involuntarily reply "I'm fine, how are you?" I used to just say "Fine," but then I was told that it's polite to ask the other person how they are, as well, which also elicits a response and continues the conversation.

This is sometimes a detriment, because friends will occasionally actually want to know how I'm doing, and the automatic response still comes out.

It was also a long time before I could master the reply to "How's it going?" My first thought was "what is 'it'?" Eventually, I realized "it" meant "things in general" or "life." For awhile I did the same thing as I did with "How are you doing?" and just said "fine" in response, because I never knew how to phrase a reply to that statement. Now, I just say "fine, how are you?" or "fine, how are things for you?" since I now know it means the same thing, in essence.

I'm not entirely sure why people do this, but I believe it's to make some type of percieved contact with others. Whether or not it is a meaningful interaction is irrelevant, just so long as that interaction is consistent, it can strengthen the bond between two people. It gives the semblance of caring and concern, without people having to become too personal. So no, they don't want to hear that you just lost your job or your dog died, not unless they are someone who is much closer to you. Sometimes, this can be hard to determine, but if they respond with concern when you only say "fine" (not in a joking way, like chamoisee has mentioned) then they probably want to hear more.

only just managed to do this one after 40 years of trying.

yes:
"How are you?"
"Fine thanks, how are you?"
seems to work. if i'm around people who might really want to know how i am, and i'm having a bad time, i say something like "Rubbish, thanks, how are you?" or "Don't ask!" (with a half smile). then, if they really want to know about me, that gives them the opportunity to say "Why, what's wrong?" or something. if i'm excited or happy, then it would be "Fabulous!", again, giving them the chance to say "Why, what's happened?"

(incidentally, i've had to learn that they don't ask all the time, so i have to deal with my disappointment, but then, that's life - not everyone finds me as fascinating as i do )

it has taken all this time for me to stop responding to "How are you?" with a detailed and explicit catalogue of exactly how i am.

i tend to make my own translation of "How are you?" as an advanced or alternative version of "Hello", and treat it the same way - like a script - even if it feels like lying.

after all, social rules and what i call "conversational conventions" are just that - here is the script, learn it and then use it. it doesn't always make sense to me, either, but i tend to see it as a matter of survival, and just get on with it.

if anyone, aspie OR NT, actually thinks about half of the conversations they have - their relevance, their meaning and their purpose - we'd have an awful lot of people falling about laughing at the sheer riduculousness of it all. it's just the way most people operate.

and it's hard remembering the script all the time.

v.

That's exactly how I am. I also have an automatic response for "Nice to meet you" and Good to see you again."



Again, same with me. I didn't realize I should ask them in return until I was sixteen and my mom had to instruct me on what to say

I am really at a loss to find a reason for such an unproductive conversation. I have learned the script, but always find it awkward to answer these 'how ya doin'. I never initiate this form of greeting, finding 'Hi!' much simpler and efficient.

Adding to my confusion, in my home country it is accepted and usual to answer the equivalent question in an honest and exhaustive way. If you ask someone 'How are you?', you must be prepared to listen to a litany of life problems. Since I do not enjoy complaining, I am again forced to avoid the question.

that's a really interesting point, magic - maybe it does vary from culture to culture.

here in the uk, people still tend to expect the British "stiff upper lip", which means you keep your problems to yourself and pretend everything's fine. i hear often hear or read comments like "in the USA, everyone tells you all their personal life, if you only ask how they are, even if they don't know you."

perhaps we should swap countires, magic?

V

I learned the mecanic replie rather quickley I think. I knwo you're soppoused to asnwer "fine thanks, and you" and I can honastly say it only feels a tad bit streange to say it.
I have a similar problem though. People always ask me: why are you so sad? or; Don't you feel well?
People tell me I look sad all the time, and that makes me...sad.

I can hardly stand the whole "Hellohowareyou? I'mfinethanks,andyou? I'mfinethankyou." routine. I have to perform this ritual also many times during the day that it becomes exhausting to even push the words out of my mouth.
One person in particular, went through this strange ritual greeting daily with me...day after day....the same query....the same answer until one day I finally cracked. I said, "You know, we say the same thing every day why don't we just cut this whole conversation down to simply a quick nod of the head. When I nod to you, you reply with the same and we will understand this to be our morning greeting. He really got a laugh out of this and instantly agreed (possibly a few AS traits on his behalf). So now, we nod ever so slightly for our "morning greet." Yeah! One less person to vocalize to
It's not that I dislike people, I am just a person that sees no point in small talk.
-monastic-

I was referring to Poland as my home country. The custom is changing gradually toward more automated responses, especially that my generation, now in early 30s, is generally less prone to complaining. On the other hand, boasting is also considered impolite. So the most common reply is something along the lines of "so so". (Actually I find this matter unnecessarily complicated, and always just say one-syllable "hi".)

PS. This is off-topic, but can you explain the meaning of your signature? The phrase resembles "the glacier bouncing in the library" that is being discussed on another thread.

Yes, that is exactly it. I know the script, but I have to force it out, unwillingly, it feels like being rubbed the wrong way.

Also, what right do I or does anyone else have to force someone into saying that they are fine when their heart may be broken or they are having a terrible day? This is painful. Why would anyone want to inflict that on someone else, as a social 'nicety'?

I do not usually ask, "Fine thanks, and how are you?" on a routine basis, unless I really want to know. It did not occur to me that this omission was rude! Anyway, sorry for the rant.

It didn't occur to me, either. I had to be told to do it. I never realized why people seemed so put out, or just sort of left without continuing the conversation when I only replied with "fine." I don't know why it matters so much for them to be asked, but I guess it gives them the illusion that you really care (whether you do or not doesn't matter to them). It could also just be that it's an expected response, and people don't know what to do if it's omitted from the conversation.

I actually like going through the routine, because it makes me feel a bit more "normal" and able to converse with people when I do. It's like "Yes, I actually got a few words in with that person, and (s)he now thinks of me as a good person, and not someone to avoid." I really don't like it when people dislike me, so I do what I can to avoid that. Once the routine is over, however, it's often difficult for me to continue. The rehearsed lines are easy to rely on, but actual conversation is more difficult for me. Usually, I just listen, and ask questions about what the other person is talking about, since I've been told that that shows them you are interested.

Hi chamoisee,
Although at times it can be context specific, it is usually intended to be largely rhetorical, and to be used as the protocol for initiating a conversation. A good online example of this between machines would be the SMTP email protocol, where sending a message is initiated by using the HELO command, which then causes the other computer to respond with "Hello, (computer making the request), nice to meet you." That might seem like a weird example, but the reason why I quote it is to demonstrate that the question does serve a logical or semi-logical purpose; namely that of beginning a new conversation.

Another purpose of it can be if the person who's asking it wants to interact with you or start a conversation for some reason, but is having trouble themselves with finding a way to phrase something or thinking of a topic to talk about. By asking how you are, they can either:-

(a) Gain information about your recent status/activities, which can then be used as subject matter for a conversation, or
(b) Use the brief time it takes for you to answer the question to figure out what they're going to say to you next, or what topic they're going to talk about.

It isn't normally as complex as that in the majority of cases, though. NTs don't generally think about things to the same extent we do, and an NT who asks the question may be doing so for no other reason than simply that it was how they were taught to begin a conversation.

In an initial response to the question, my advice would be to make your first answer as short and non-specific as possible. "Fine," "Well," "Good," or even "I'm not feeling so well today," can all work. If the person cares about you or is interested for some other reason they can then request additional, more specific information.

In dealing with NTs, one of the major things it will possibly help to remember is that they are used to thinking according to a set of principles which is known within Artificial Intelligence as Fuzzy Logic. What I mean by that is, that machines (and many of us, a lot of the time) think in terms which could be expressed numerically as either 0 or 1. In other words, there are only two states which any given thing can exist in. Something is either good or it's bad...black or white...no in-betweens.
The NT mind on the other hand sees things very differently. Using the above example as an answer to the "How are you?" where 0 might equal well and 1 might equal completely sick, NT thinking also includes 0.1, 0.2, 0.3, 0.4 and so on, up to 1...where for example 0.7 might equal the initial stages of a cold or other illness, but where the person is not yet as completely sick as to rate the 1 answer.

It is this space between the 0 or 1 answer which allows the NT mind to experience and think in so many different "shades of grey" as they put it, and which also allows them to produce and exhibit the myriad forms of irrationality which we can find so confusing. Unfortunately as you say it is also true that social effectiveness in NT society is almost directly proportional to a person's capacity for dishonesty...I believe that this single fact alone is the main reason why they tend to find us so unbearable. It is because their social structure is built on something (lying and dishonesty) which people with Asperger's realise on an instinctive level is wrong and therefore cannot tolerate.

Although I have Asperger's myself, I am a borderline case. If Edan's idea of an AS society became a reality, I fear I would be as unwelcome there as I have been among NTs in the past. However, one advantage that this gives me is that I have been able to observe NT behaviour, and discover the logic behind what can often seem to be completely illogical behaviour, and hopefully pass this information on to fellow Aspergians, so that they can use it to make dealing with NTs a little less painful.

magic - my signature is a quote from an e.e. cummings poem, and has no more significance than i think it's lovely.

V

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Last edited by AspieStar on 19 Nov 2005, 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

for me it depends on who it is and if I really want to explain to them how Im feeling. A problem I have had is that I am ill and/or depressed and/or having various other problems nearly all the time, which people seem to find annoying so I say 'yeah, I'm ok' most of the time just because its easier (more for them than me I feel).

incidently I've never had a problem with lying- I do things like the above all the time.