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Schoolboy: Miss would you tell me off for something I didn't do?

Miss: no I wouldn't

Schoolboy: good because I didn't do my homework

Q: What do you call a man lost at sea?
A: Bob.

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, the other to twist the room around.

Fish swims into a wall, "Damn"

oxboy1997

there are three army men in a jet one found a radio he did not want it he threw it out the window one found a tv he did not want it he threw it out the window one found a bomb he did not want it he threw it out the window then they went down with their parachutes they found a man crying they asked why are you crying there was a flying radio that landed on my head they saw another man crying they asked why are you crying there was a flying tv that landed on my head they saw a man laughing sitting on a toilet with nothing around him they asked why are you laughing he said i farted and my house blew up

I've got another one.
Two hunters are in the woods, one of them falls into a pit. The hunter looks unconcious.
The other hunter pulls out his mobile phone, and dials an ambulance.
He says "Come quickly! My freind is dead!"
The operator says in a calm, soothing voice, "Calm down, let's check to see if he is actually dead".
There is silence for a few seconds, and a gunshot is heard.
The hunter replies "Ok, now what?"

What do call an armless, legless man laying in front of the door?
Matt.

What do call an armless, legless man hanging on a museum wall?
Art.

What do call an armless, legless man bleeding in the ocean?
Chum.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a pregnant woman in a wedding dress?
Mary.

What do you call a man holding a shovel while he stands next to a large, deep hole?
Doug.

What do you call a man holding a shovel while he stands next to a small, shallow hole?
Douglas.

What do you call a litigenous female lawyer?
Sue.

What do you call the guy who empties your swimming pool?
Dwayne.

What do you call a man who often cuts himself shaving?
Nick.

What do you call a man who cut himself shaving only once?
Nicklas.