I'm so afraid of the future and dying and everything that...

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I'm just so afraid that I'm going to be alone all my life and be living at home with my parents forever. I always end up thinking into the future and what I'm going to do when my parents die, when I die and I don't know why. I try not to think about it, but it always ends up coming to me. I've got no real goals or ambitions or a plan in life and I just feel that I'm not going to be anyone or something. I have no idea of what I want to do as a career in life, I've dropped out of college after the 1st year because I just no ambition to go and I didn't know what I wanted to major in. I just feel like a failure that's here to do nothing. I know life is short and all, but what can I do to make the most out of life. I can't remember any time where I actually had a goal or dream, it's just all bleh to me. I've tried talking to my parents about this but all it ever comes out as is I know what I want to do and I'll be fine, but it's not true. I just wish I could find something that gives me motivation. And I wish I could stop thinking about dying and the far future. My grandparents are on up in age, and I always think about them dying and I being alone and everything, but I don't want to think about that but it just happens. I'm only 20 years old and I just don't know what to do about this.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about my current situation.
I'm also afraid that I won't be independent.
These are real concerns and I'm not really sure how to address them.

What I've been trying to do is take little steps and life skills in any direction until I find something that I do want to do. Try to take very small positive steps better than doing nothing anyway.

I do a lot of reading on and self study different topics in the hope that it might help in the future. There many other ways to learn stuff.

I'm also temping and volunteering as I go.

As for the "You'll be fine." comment, I had many people say that to me.
The thing is, sometimes I wasn't "fine" at all like they'd predicted.
I think your parents are just trying to be encouraging.

The "Your fine" comment is when I try and talk to my parents and then 'chicken out' or something and just say nevermind, I'm find. I just don't know why I can't talk to them about this. I am working right now, out of my room, but it at least is a job, but certainly not a job that could support me on my own. I am skilled in computers, but I get bored with them easily and such unless I'm building them. Building computers is just about the only thing that is even remotely happy for me, but I can't do that all the time as it costs money, which I currently barely have enough for a car, which I desperately need for work travel.

I just don't know, I wish I had someone to talk to.

I can't build computers.
Actually, I wish I knew how to, the best thing I can do is very simple programming on some software packages.
You have a specialised skill that not many other people take the trouble to learn.
You enjoy it.
That's something positive right?



So do I.

I do enjoy it, but there's not a single business that will hire me because I didn't go to school for it. Why go to school for something you already know, it'd just waste time. I really wish I could start my own business, but that requires to much money that I don't have and I'm terrible at writing business plans and resumes for job seeking.

I've been reading about something called "online niche marketing" where you can basically set up a small site on a "shoestring" budget. Some ISPs offer small starter packages with template websites (shopping cart software built in) etc.

I think that the kind of work you do sounds like a specialist niche.

I've actually been looking at some computing courses available at Colleges.
I'm doing all of that and more by buying the books and studying at home.
That's what's been puzzling for me too: why go to school to learn about something you already know how to do?

Yea exactly. But it's almost impossible to get a decent job without going to school nowadays to. I was very lucky to of found the job I've got now as it's a work at home and required little to no interaction with other employees, etc. I currently work at home as a video editor for a small tv marketing/training company, still not quite sure what it is my boss actually does lols. Trains news anchors in how to hold viewer's attention or something? I don't know. I'm also quite good at web dev (xhtml, css, php, etc) but suck at graphic design, but again, it's just so hard to find a job without a degree now and I can't seem to stay focused on one subject for more than a day, hence why I have no goals . All my goals end within a day or less because I just don't find it very interesting after a few hours.

Can you see if a local tech class or college has something where you can go in, take a test and "test out of it". If you can pass the final exam showing that you know everything then you qualify for a certificate in it.

That might make you more employable? It also might make it worth your while to look into a more advanced class if you can just test out of all the stuff you already know.

Also you say that you dropped out of college, maybe you just need something more specialized like a tech school that has to do with computers? From what I understand they are less expensive as well and you don't have to take all those little "extra" classes.