People say I should try hard to change my personality

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Then, how do you response to them?

I have always lapsed into silence when they give me a piece of advice.

Now I think it's not a defect.

However, the problem is that many people don't agree with that statement, so people force me to cultivate my sociality that can not be cultivated.

Last edited by fhtbg on 30 Mar 2009, 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

unbalanced people tend to stick their nose at anything,
they can't control themselves so they try to control others,
silence is good
telling them to f**k off is also good

You have to ask yourself--Is what I am doing really hurting anyone? Is it hurting me? Is it holding me back from doing what I want to do? If any of those are true, then yes, change--but don't do it because people are telling you to; do it because it's good for you.

But if the changes they're suggesting are there simply because you would look less weird, or if they're changes that are so difficult that the effort you'd put out isn't worth the results you'd get, then I don't see the point of it, either. Sure, if you wanted to change, you should; but either doing or not doing what people say, just because it's other people saying it, is quite silly. You've got the right to choose how you behave, and if you're not hurting anyone or hurting yourself, you've got the right to be just as eccentric as you want to be.

There's a big difference between personality and behaviour. Personally, I found it to be a helpful and good thing to learn new behaviours. I taught myself how to be more sociable by watching other people, so now going into a shop isn't as stressful as before. I'm a graphic designer, and for years I was ok, I worked alone and mostly dealt with my clients over email or by phone. However, just over a year ago I started working for a print company and had to start dealing with members of the public on a daily basis. I had to start over and learn a whole new set of social skills.

Am I changing my personality? I don't think so. I've learnt new skills, and those skills have proven to be very useful. It's always easier to be able to greet someone with a smile and at least appear "normal". It means they don't stare or feel uncomfortable, and I avoid any awkward looks or questions.

You do have the right to choose how to behave, and you have the right to be as rude as you want, but other people have that same right. They have the right to tell you if you've upset them or if they think you're rude. You have the right to tell them to f off, and they have the right to be offended by that.

People get hung up on this idea of not wanting to change. The only things that don't change are dead already. Life is about growing and changing and developing and improving. Why would anyone resist that?

I "changed" my 'personality' by making sure I was daily bathed, hair neatly combed, clean presentable clothing and sweet breath. I nod and 'look friendly'. And I have some memorized responses to 'how are you?' and try desparately to remember to ask them 'how are you?', too.

that's pretty much it. That's my party manners. I notice if you do the first 15 seconds correctly they are off your case about it, because people don't care much after the first impression.

good luck with what you find as your strategy

Merle

For me, it is not hard to greet for a few minutes.

However, after saying prepared words, I can not talk to peers with proper words in a specific situation.

Hard to communicate properly in a small talk, it's my problem.

Could you tell me more?

Last edited by fhtbg on 30 Mar 2009, 9:23 am, edited 2 times in total.

If you're not harming anyone with your personality then there's no problem. I have had to alter mine a bit because I have been quite aggressive and I agree that this is not acceptable, whether I be Aspie or not.

People make a big deal about the fact that I choose to wear a skirt to school when everyone else wears trousers. There's no rule against it. The students think I'm weird, and the adults think I'm doing it on purpose to stand out. Mum says I'm standing out for all the wrong reasons, which is normally what she says when I act up in public or whatever, but I fail to see how wearing a skirt is wrong. It's a choice I made because I dislike wearing school trousers. If one more person mentions it I might tell them to eff off. Superficial bastards.

If it's a specific behaviour that is causing a problem, then I will talk to the person about it and try to come up with a solution that suits us both. This doesn't necessarily mean I will change the behaviour - maybe just the context in which I behave this way - but maybe I will. I have to weigh up the pros and cons.

However, if it is my personality they want me to change, I simply say that I am who I am, and this is the personality that God has given me. If people have a problem with this, they are free not to hang out with me. I've actually often had people wanting me to change aspects of my personality throughout my life, long before anyone had heard of Aspergers. Teachers at school wanted me to be more outgoing and to talk more. Peers wanted me to be less analytical, less questioning. A lot of people (mostly guys) have a hard time accepting I'm asexual, and try to convince me that if I meet the right guy, I will suddenly discover my sexuality. I take them all with a pinch of salt.

[quote="capriwim"] I simply say that I am who I am, and this is the personality that God has given me. If people have a problem with this, they are free not to hang out with me. quote]

On Bebo I read an amusing, if less eloquent, version of this statement.

I am what I am, I do what I do
If you got a problem, then [edit, language - M.] you

Yes, definetly. Esp. when I was younger, I had a step-parent who tried to "change" me. Needless to say it didn't work. I took a lot of crap over the years for not having an outgoing personality, but that's just how I am.

If someone is persistent about me being myself I just tell them that I look at it this way: I don't backstab people, I don't bully anyone, I don't ostracize anyone, I don't tease anyone, and can they say that as well.

Hehe - love it! I should start using that myself.

this is the most well rounded post i've read all day ^.^

I try to be interesting in what THEY want to talk about. I will comment on something they are wearing, but nothing too personal. Jewlery, or eyeglasses are good because people spend money on these things and feel it is part of their personality. So I say "I couldn't help noticing your glasses, they really compliment your face." now, that is a nice compliment and is hard to fault as insincere, because obviously THEY think they compliment their face or they wouldn't have spent that much on glasses if they didn't. So you have given them a sincere sounding compliment, and that makes them feel nice. They might even give you a story of how they chose them, or how cool they are cause you can bend the frames or arms or the tinting makes everything rosy looking, what ever, but you see, you aren't having to say anything (look at them intelligently and calmly, nod every now and then, it's called 'active listening' while they are talking because then it is time for them to make a compliment to you!

Then they will dredge up something for you to feel good about as an 'exchange' of compliments - they really believe in reciprocity- and now they are going to say something about you. Don't panic, they don't mean anything by it if they are saying your pocket protector must certainly help you keep that ink off the fabric of your shirt, then you can whip out your favorite pen and let them know the technology behind it and how you can write upside down with it!

and they will listen! because you have already given them a compliment and may be open to give more. DON'T! they will think you insincere or shallow. when you finally remember to stop yourself from rambling on about the astronaut pen. Find out if they need another cup of punch, or tell them you need to get back to your friends or if they want to go get a cup of coffee. When they want to continue the conversation (I know, I know, WHAT conversation, you are just complimenting them and they complimented you and they talked about glasses and you talked about your pen, but THAT is what passes for small talk! weird, I know, but that is what is 'done.'

So. It won't kill you, and you can roll off of them after the little exchange before the tongue gets tied and your courage fails you. But you will leave a nice impression.

My problem is I don't recognize faces well, and I never know if I see them again if I have met them unless I recognize their voices or hair or dress, but so, I have learned to be friendly with everyone because then they think I remember them! (Well, it really doesn't work all that well, but they call me Ms Monk behind my back)

Merle

Odd. Everyone tells me I have the best personality they've ever seen.

You should tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine.