Not your average suicidal thoughts, I guess

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Well, as I'm sure you've all deduced by the title, I'm having issues with suicidal thoughts.

This is something I've kept from everyone I know for years. I have slipped before and mentioned it when I wasn't thinking enough to stop myself, but the slips are extremely few and far between, and the last one was years ago. As far as everyone can tell, I'm over whatever thoughts of suicide I may have had in the past.

What makes these thoughts seem odd to me, is that after years of kicking and screaming "I WANT TO DIE!" to nobody but myself, the edge has worn off, and it's gotten to the point where I can think about it, if not talk about it, casually. As though I'm simply considering a semi-major life change, like buying a cheap, used car. I'll just be thinking about how hard it is to deal with life and how I'm quite sure I'll never fall in requited love, and along comes the "There's always death..." consideration. It's become completely natural for me to think like this.
I was speaking to a counselor (psychiatrist? psychologist?) just today about finally getting an official diagnosis for Asperger's, and I figured I ought to let him know about this nasty little imp on my back. I don't feel I did the wrong thing by telling him, nor do I think it's going to cause any problems (I've had awful trouble with counselors in the past breaking their privacy oath), because the guy had a decent feeling about him that was uncharacteristic of most counselors I've spoken to.

What drives me to these thoughts the most is the fact that I've always wanted a girlfriend (never went through the "girls have cooties" phase at all), and I've never had one, and from reading all these statistics on how likely Aspies are to get married, I'm screwed for life... though admittedly, the percentages do vary enough from source to source to make me question their credibility.
But if I am stuck alone for the rest of my days, it's been painful enough getting to age 26 without love (though I take my hat off to those here who have endured longer). Am I supposed to endure another 50 years or so without affection from girls?! I'd go crazy! I'd gladly kill myself before that happened.

Actually, I'm quite sure I'll never act on the thoughts (my religious beliefs about suicide notwithstanding, fully attempting to kill myself would take a lot of guts that I don't have), but they do continue to creep up, and even though the feelings surrounding it are casual, it still scares me in a detached sort of way.

The most painful thing is that I can look back and pick out numerous times when I had chances with girls who not only actually liked me on a possibly romantic level (at least, I'm pretty sure of that, in retrospect), but because of my Aspie idiocy, I wasn't able to identify what I had going for me at the time, and I let fear keep me from pursuing a relationship with any one of them. I'm starting to recede into my personal "hole" (or "hell", whichever comes first) and become a full-fledged hermit, without any person-to-person contact with anyone but my family, so I don't think I'll ever get another chance like the ones I had those years ago. It's so damn frustrating!! And now I'm getting so old that in the cultures where I live, where people always get married around age 22 on average, my odds of getting married are dying rapidly. All the women are taken! And during those extremely rare moments when I'm barely able to build up the nerve to approach the available ones, it blows up in my face. Every time. They either toss their "boyfriend" into the conversation (either real or make-believe), or give me the cold shoulder entirely.
And all the while, I just keep emotionlessly thinking, "death... death... death..."

I suppose it all boils down to this: whether or not these suicidal thoughts will eventually betray me to my death, I want to get rid of them. They destroy my will to live so much that I often can't even function. Please, somebody help me figure out how!

Well let me tell you "life isn't over", the question is are you ready to change your life? I went through similar experience to many on this board, question is - you have to stop trusting your own judgement, you are a fountain of fear, anxiety and pessimism. You have a distorted perception of reality that is not real, you have to realize that first. Blaming your "AS" is a bit of cop out if you have hardly ever tried to get a girlfriend being ruled instead by your insecurity, anxiety and fear.

You became a hermit by choice no one elses, but this does not mean you cannot change your life.

Being despondent is not the end of the world unless you allow it to be. That you recognize these thoughts is an important step, in my opinion. The larger question - are you a condition, or a person? There are statistics that can be wielded to prove most any point... but what you do is up to you. The past is past, but you have the chance to make changes in the future.


M.

from my perspective, i wonder how much of your present thought is truly related to any (emotional) whether or not conscious 'drive' toward suicide... as you state to be capable of dealing with it, or maybe rather (whether or not temporarily) dismissing it, casually

to me, the thought of death, and/or dying, has always been there, and as i was always physically healthy, i would have had to have be(en) an un-natural death, with any kind of self-directing in it (just waiting for chance to deliver deliverance, you might as well get off your a.s.s. (dutch for asd) and live, and any life could again be construed as projected toward death

i was very consciously phrasing this as widely as possible - i believe there are many ways in which the individual system might 'seek' such options, without them seen as suicide per se...

i am not bothered by any philosophical (or religious, but that is same to me) restraint, in the end i feel it is always a valid individual option and an inalienable individual freedom&right - personally however, i answer to the morality that i would not do in until the age any of my children would not in some way be ready to understand and cope - it's simply not fair until then...

o, and somewhat depending on the individual details of the relationship, one's parents do come into consideration; it is simply veryvery cruel&unusual for any parent to survive his/her child - again: it's not fair, in most cases

in my case, none of these considerations apply, or amount to a moral imperative to live

AND with the following proviso: the one IMPORTANT observation to make in comparing:
i never had years of kicking and screaming 'i want to die' (not even in small letters),
never have actively even moved a muscle (hm, not quite literally true...) with a view to putting my body where my thoughts were - it was never more than thought-experiment -
the most practical i have ever got was to consider method (again... a bit of a lie)

i suppose i was like twenty-three when my brother Peter and i saw this documentary about this (if a remember correctly norwegian) philosopher-rather-than-writer - early twentieth, late nineteenth century, sorry cannot remember - who had decided that he'd end it on his thirtieth birthday (or soon after), IF by then his situation had not altered; no specific reason, no note, just ... the pointlessness of it all (which is the moment for you to note my signature line) ... and possibly a total mystery that day to all whoever thought they knew him ... just that: boredom i suppose, emptiness, ... just FULLSTOP this pointlessness##

addit: oops, forgot to mention: a) the brothers watched the doc with deep, unspoken agreement; and b) the man kept his date

to me, there is simply always has been the option, and as long as i live in these low countries (i would rather spend my later years in any english-speaking environment, preferably of the more british persuasion (oz not excluded)) - but i stand a reasonable chance of getting what i want here, without having to go to all to drastic measures, should the physical or emotional need ever arise

off-topic [sadly, there are totally unrelated issues preventing me from going there here]

whether or not one is or tends to be actually, 'psychiatrically' suicidal (i dont believe i ever qualified) such a postponed date with the future might at least set your mind at ease for the time being, and i would suggest you project not in terms of age, but rather: health

i dont know what would have happened to me, had i not been able to get back to my old teenage room upon being evicted some three years ago - and then to self-identify on WP and get confirmation soon after - i dont know how long it will take me to do the books of my life and 'calculate' whether the emotional balance will ever reach positive figures, and i am sure that right at the moment, all in all, it has not been worth it still, but really: who's counting

NEXT - and this to get back to your post: - do you NEED to get rid of these thoughts?
point being: do you think these thoughts (are they about suicide or is it merely the lable of the concept-box that holds the topic)... that they represent an emotional something inside you?

i ask, because i believe there may be a totally rational, very autistic reason for thinking the thought...
if, like me, you would be a 'verbal' aspie, there is every chance you think in scenarios... just the possibilities of any given situation, as you somehow experience yourself as being in a story (which you are: you are in the ongoing story that is your life), and death is simply always the final stop of any story

seen like that, there really is little to worry over; and you just remain to get yourself convinced you are wrong: like a good wine, i am better as i get older; my aspie immaturity keeps me well below my calendar age and i'm only growing younger since my dx; AND i find i might even advise you on the love&dating forum (HA!)
and yes you are wrong: you forget the divorce rate, especially in the age group between thirty and fourty; and sorry mate, if that is not gonna do it for you, i would really really reconsider any number of your religious positions, and simply get to the missionary one - there's little wrong with a little bit of forgiveness - that is what sin if for

i knew this was gonna be longish when i finally mustered the drive to get started; knowing there is MUCH more on the subject - but i'll leave it at that and see what kind of response follows

i remain, open to any question, robert

You know when i i read about folk who complain about never having a girlfriend and relationship i look at it this way. Because this appeals to me more than a relationship...

I have always wanted a Nikon d40, all my life. But i dont have one. Im i going to be suicidal because of it? No. You get on with life and stop dwelling on the issue.

The idea that a relationship/girlfriend is suddenly going to save you or stop you from being suicidal i find quite frankly fickle.

...Yeah... so, thanks to everyone who responded. I suddenly feel really embarassed about opening up like that. I can never seem to express my thoughts in a way that keep me from looking like an idiot.
I know that a relationship isn't going to magically solve my problems. I'm not stupid. The way I see it, all my depression comes from not knowing if people really care about me, when it comes right down to it.
Of course, I'm still perfectly aware that, since it's always supposed to be the man who takes charge in a relationship, it would only make my situation worse; because then I'd be bringing not only myself down, but my girlfriend as well. She'd drop me like a hot potato!
All the same, I can't keep myself from pining for love. I'm human, and it's something I need. I feel like I'm wasting away without it. But it is true that I can only seem to imagine rosy, hypothetical situations whenever I picture myself in a relationship. At least when I *want* to be happy. When I'm depressed, I can only imagine horrid situations where the girl does nothing but yell at me in anger because I'm so mousy and wishy-washy. Either one extreme or the other, that's my way of thinking.

Maybe this thread would have been better suited in the "Love and Dating" forum?