Flirting can never work on me now

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So it's no secret that aspies can be oblivious to flirting. I have never, in my life, had a girl flirt with me - at least not in a way that I recognised as such. Since reading about flirting on WP and elsewhere I've tried to be more alert to it and not entirely dismiss the possibility that a girl might flirt with me. And in the last few weeks there were 2 girls that potentially might have been.

In the first case, I sat next to her in a group conversation. This girl:
- Talked to me a lot more than to others (though, to be fair, she was sitting next to me);
- Laughed a lot at stuff I said and was generally really friendly;
- Patted me on the arm or forearm at particularly funny moments. She did this no less than 8 times (yeah, I counted);
- Grabbed my hand at 1 such moment;
- Did not do this to anyone else in the group, as far as I could see;
- Said "you can give me your number later if you want" (but didn't ask for it later, so I never did);
- Stayed and continued talking after everyone else had left;
- When we finally left, suggested that we go to check out a music festival nearby (I accepted) - though she was meeting another friend there, so it wasn't just me and her.

Sounds a bit like she was interested, doesn't it? Nevertheless, I'm fairly convinced that she wasn't, because she is only here for a short time and mentioned during our conversation that she's not looking for a relationship nor a ONS. She also mentioned how exchanging phone numbers is "complicated with guys, because... you know". Talk about mixed messages! I saw her again a week later and we again continued talking when everyone else left, but this time she didn't laugh as much and only patted my arm twice. I'm fairly convinced now she's just a really, really friendly, outgoing person and wasn't actually interested in me in that way. But OK, I wasn't all that interested in her, either, so whatever.

Now, the second girl:
- Agreed to walk with me instead of taking the bus, despite initially acting horrified that it would be a 50-60 minute walk;
- Managed to brush her arm or hand against mine a lot during this walk;
- Also grabbed or patted my arm or forearm often, even more than the first girl;
- Also smiled a lot, laughed a lot at stuff I said and was really friendly;
- Said some playfully-teasing stuff and responded well when I did the same;
- Mentioned in conversation that she has really nice, soft skin. Given all the brief touching that's already happened, I took that as an invitation to pat her forearm for a good few seconds to evaluate this claim. It was probably long enough to have been a little weird, but she didn't seem to mind in the slightest;
- (In a different conversation) mentioned that she doesn't like hairy guys and especially guys with beards, because they're unpleasant to kiss and then, without any warning, ran her hand up my (clean-shaven) chin!
- On a group outing, stood next to me in photos and pressed herself right up against me. This happened in both group photos and also both photos of just me and her. In all 4 cases I took my position first, so it was up to her just how close to me she would stand;
- During lunch (with a third person) offered me a taste from her wine glass. Repeated the offer more clearly when I seemed unsure the first time;
- Also talked to me (including initiating conversation with me) much more than to others in the group, even though she's by no means shy, already has many friends and could easily have talked to anyone she wanted;
- Asked me if I had a GF after we saw a (seemingly-random) sign that said "love me tender" (I thought the link was tenuous, at best);
- Sat next to me whenever possible on public transport (while travelling in a group);
- On one such occasion she tried to fall asleep and her head kept falling towards my shoulder, but she'd jerk it up again. Eventually it actually hit my shoulder. She jerked it back up, but when I said "it's alright, you can rest it there" she gratefully accepted and spent the rest of the trip that way.
- On the return trip she actually managed to find a place to lay on her side. I had no way to get comfortable enough to sleep, except by laying my head on her side. After trying, in vain, several other positions, I jokingly pretended to do so. She said, nodding and smiling, "yeah, yeah, that's fine, that's fine!" - so I did and stayed like that for the rest of the trip.

That's probably not even all of it, but you get the idea. Now, unlike the first girl, this one is actually very attractive, so I was determined to find out for sure if she was flirting with me! I couldn't think of any way to do this, except to talk to her about it, so when the context seemed right I mentioned, as casually as I could, that she can come across as quite "flirty", especially with all the touching and some guys may misinterpret it. She was horrified at the thought! She assured me that she doesn't mean to and is just a very friendly, outgoing person. I believe her. She thanked me for telling her this and said she'd try to watch out for it in future. Well... f**k.

So, basically, where this leaves me is that flirting simply will not work on me any more, no matter how obvious it may seem. After this, a girl could start tongue-kissing me and I still wouldn't be sure if she's sexually interested or not! I wish I was kidding. FML.

Last edited by FMX on 15 Jul 2014, 2:28 pm, edited 5 times in total.

If I do all this to a guy friend he would certainly think that I am gay trying to flirt him.


But here the thing FMX, if she's that friendly, bold in her body language and extrovert then she would be bold enough to tell you that she likes you if it was this case.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 15 Jul 2014, 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

if you a get a feeling
next time you see me
do me a favor and let me know
'cos it's hard to tell
it's hard to say
oh well, okay
oh well, okay
oh well, okay

Good thing you asked. It's so refreshing you did that. I thought this was gonna be another "does she/he like me??" thread.

Indeed. Communication is useful.

For the first girl, in my opinion, she seemed really into you. When you didn't give her your number, she may have taken that as a cue that you're not interested (which is okay, since you weren't) and backed off a bit as a self-defense mechanism, hence why she seemed less flirty the second time. Oh, her bringing another friend with her to an event she invited you to doesn't mean she's not interested, just careful; maybe she wanted her friend's opinion of you after the three of you hung out. And just as a reminder, regular, short-term sex lies in-between relationship and ONS.

That said, kudos on being direct with the second girl. It takes guts to cut through the BS with someone and communicate effectively. It doesn't sound completely hopeless for you, OP.

IMO, you just can't ask a girl if she is flirting with you as she will always answer that with "no" (possibly unless she is a aspie). That's simply not the right way to get to know that. By asking her that question you blew it all.

I think both of the girls were indeed interested in you, but you blew it because you didn't reciprocate in the right way.

I'm not sure about that! I asked her a few things about dating (which provided the context for my comment about her flirting later). She said that it is the girl's role to indicate interest and the guy's role to ask her out. She also agreed when I said that it's a stupid system, but that doesn't mean she'd be willing to go against it. My impression is that she wouldn't.



Thanks. I'm kind of glad I asked, too, even though I'm not too happy with the way I asked and, obviously, not happy with the outcome!



How so? It does to me! Do you mean with this girl or in general?



That is entirely possible. But even if that were true, I just don't see any way to find out otherwise. If you can think of any, please tell me. (I'll see the second girl again.) But note that by "find out" I mean really know, not guess.

Technically, she never said that she's not interested, only that she was not intending to indicate interest with all that touching. But if she was, surely she would not have reacted the way she did ("OMG, really? I had no idea it came across like that!"), right? Also, I never actually said that I'm interested in her, which I regret. I should have made that clear and it seems more difficult now.

I did say, in a very matter-of-fact way that she's a damn good-looking girl. This was relevant to our conversation (so not out of the blue), but it still (literally) stopped her in her tracks for a second (we were walking). Yeah, it was very aspie! I think what shocked her so much was not what I said - I'm sure she's heard it before, because, well... she really is - but the way it was delivered. It was just so matter-of-fact, unexpected (since I never implied anything about her looks before or paid her any kind of compliment) and as subtle as a meat-cleaver! She recovered from it quickly, to her credit. So, yeah, I'm not proud of the way I said it, but hey... at least I said it. That was a first for me.

I don't see why someone would grab and/or pat your arm if they weren't interested in you. I certainly don't run around patting my friend's arms.

you're male, are you not? women tend to use touch a lot more on a daily basis when communicating with people--i'm not like this myself, but most of the women i have known have been relatively touchy-feely when chatting with someone they know, occasionally patting one's arm or shoulder, things like that. women seem to like casual hugging a lot more, as well; i've met many women who insist on hugging when they've only just met me, which actually makes me uncomfortable but some women just expect it so i usually just go along so as not to seem "rude".

^ but they don't do it with males; perhaps only with known-gay friends, or with a close relative or childhood friend; but with regular male friends it's very unlikely
And good, you're starting to interact with other females. lol

Hey FMX, maybe she thought you're gay?

i have a mother, and a sister, innumerable aunts and female cousins, step-sisters-in-law, and i had two grandmothers (both have passed), as well as all my female school friends. it's not like i just crawled out from under a rock and have never seen another chick before, boo.

Relatives don't count; there are things that women would only tell to friends.

i have had women friends, as i mentioned above, both as a child and as an adult (college).

edit* to add: why are you so weirdly convinced that i have never known the company of women? it's really inaccurate, and getting kind of annoying--i spent the majority of my time growing up with other girls/women, and most of my friends in high school/college were girls. can you please let it go, i know you think it's cute but it's getting old.

A lot of flirting-type behavior isn't about romantic or sexual interest. Oftentimes, it's about the woman's comfort and respect toward you. It's often done when simple verbal praise is inadequate in the woman's eyes, but her sexual attraction toward you isn't there. Women aren't stupid. They know very well that their physical affections feel good. And bluntly put, it's their way of rewarding you for being the type of person they respect and feel comfortable around. (Those two aren't mutually exclusive, but aren't the same thing.) There's only one situation where women acted like this toward me: on a cruise. I somehow knew they didn't plan on having sex with me, but it took me some time to accept the affections and the touching as their idea of friendliness, rather than something sexual. Especially considering that they were North American women, who usually don't act touchy-feely with men they're not romantically interested in. (By contrast, in many Latin cultures, touching and hugging are just friendliness, with little or no sexual connotations behind it.)

I met a good number of women on my cruise. They were very affectionate with me, both the women I became friends with, and the one I interacted with in passing. (Guys I became friends with only gave me handshakes, obviously.) Here are some examples:
* Three women I just met and me wrapped our arms around each other and rocked side to side, with heads on each other's shoulders, while a band played.
* Same three women gave me a group hug, pressing their breasts into me slightly (might have been unintentional).
* Gave me affectionate "thank you!" hugs after I danced with them, when words would have sufficed.
* Touched me frequently on the arms, shoulders, legs, back, and chest.
* Cuddled with me in the hot tub.
* Rubbed their hair against me while standing close.
* Hung off my shoulders in a "pimp and hoes" pose while doing a silly drunken picture.
* Did not change their behavior after I told them I was cruising solo and that I didn't have a girlfriend at home.
* Pointed out single women to me around the ship, if they weren't single themselves.

Were your interactions anything like this? It sounds like a yes. It took me a lot of effort not to mistake their actions for romantic interest. Otherwise, I'd probably creep them out or something. I just flirted back by touching them in equivalent areas (except chest) and playing with their hair (if they had long hair, that is). You should probably do the same. Enjoy the flirting and the physical affection you get, and don't take it as anything beyond face value.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 16 Jul 2014, 9:09 am, edited 3 times in total.

same. don't believe in flirting . what everyone has described as flirting is also the same as people being friendly. so no way to tell if it is flirting or friendly.