|
Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship?
Posted on Thursday, June 08 @ 21:25:08 EDT by | 
Dear Aspie:
“I haven't been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I've tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven't taken the time to get to know the woman and she's not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to "bust a move", convincing a woman that I'm worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”
--littleoctagon
Read on for GroovyDruid's response!
Dear Aspie:
“I haven't been in a long-term relationship for about six years. I've tried some dating, but by the time I feel that I have successfully secured a relationship, more often than not I realize that I haven't taken the time to get to know the woman and she's not what I had believed she was and I bail out. So how do I continue to "bust a move", convincing a woman that I'm worth her while when I feel like I need her to show me who she is as well? I seem to have a knack for finding the women that tell me that they love me after knowing me for less than a week. I feel so screwed, so damned to be dateless. Why bother? Except I am lonely, and I hate it.”
--littleoctagon
If science’s forays into human behavior have taught us anything, it is that our behavior has a mind-boggling complexity to it. This includes aspies.
One almost magical pattern that nevertheless has a scientific basis is the idea that we “pull in” certain types of people. It’s like relationship karma. Everybody has seen it: the man who says he wants a committed relationship but can’t seem to refrain from hooking up one-night stands. Or how about the sweet woman who swears she wants a nice guy but dates one abusive jerk after another?
You’ve spotted a pattern like this in yourself. You’re pulling in women who will pretend to be something they are not so that they can immediately enjoy the shelter of a man’s love. As an aspie, you’re a sucker for such a ruse, because you don’t sense the game they are playing intuitively. You jump in, and only then does it dawn on you that the pool is full of maple syrup.
So that leaves us with your last question: “Why bother?” Well, maybe your pattern is a way for your subconscious (so to speak) to sabotage a relationship you don’t really want. Ask yourself, “I say I want a relationship, but I’m not making it happen, either because the relationship is bad or not there at all. Is it really what I want?” You may find that you really don’t want a relationship right now and are seeking one only because these days the entire developed world is in a frenzy over sex, egged on by advertising, entertainment, the Internet, and wacko social norms.
If you do want a relationship, then I recommend changing the one thing you seek to change in others: be up-front and truthful about yourself. Rather than trying to “bust a move”, as you put it, be yourself—to a fault. Be kind, but let your true nature come out in full view, and say what you think.
Now, many women will be turned off, since most people can’t handle autistic behavior. It’s too honest and too raw. This will be difficult for you to bear at first. But a few women will be drawn to the real you, the honest, childlike, beautiful you. They’ll find you fresh and exciting. These women will be different, not the ones you’ve pulled in before, the ones who compulsively seek to be sheltered and taken care of at the expense of everything else. No, these will be strong women, ones who esteem honesty. And they will have the desire to show you their true selves just as you’ve shown yourself to them. You will have an entirely new basis for relationships.
It takes courage for an aspie to show his true self to others. It goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame, because we think everyone would rather see an act we put on. But the act is pulling in relationships you don’t want. So bear it all and break the pattern. We’ll be rooting for you!
Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!
|
|
| |
|
|
| | The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
|
|
|
No Comments Allowed for Anonymous, please register |
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by Iammeandnooneelse Monday, June 12 @ 05:18:16 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | Good luck! |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by Spucatum_tauri Friday, June 16 @ 13:56:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | At least he seems to be dating, more than I can say for the rest of us. For the rest of us it's more like a choice between suicide and suicide. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by jester69 Wednesday, July 12 @ 09:20:36 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Well, be yourself. This sounds hard, we have a lifetime of conditioning to tell us we are broken, but it is the only way to fly. If you "pull in" a woman and she doesn't see the real you, she will usually leave when she does. I know this from many many painful experiences. I am an aspie that has "successfully" dated, in the sense that I have had many girlfriends. I have been unsuccessful in that only one of them lasted more than 8 months, most relationships making it 3 weeks to a month. The way I did so well was to play the game like chess, practice practice until I knew how to get the result I wanted. Thing is, it had no substance to it and thus once the opening had run its course there was nothing left for us to talk about.
So, not pretending to be something you are not is really self preservation. When a relationship you want more than anything ends suddenly it can be devestating. The ephemeral pleasures of the flesh are transitory, but the pain of rejection tends to linger. I think we need to be sure that everyting is in the open more than other people, as we are such awful liars. Sure, we can poker face with the best of them, but long term, we can't keep up the front. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by porkrind Monday, July 17 @ 01:30:04 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | no one has ever liked me. but desperate, and kindly, and well suffering women abound.
who wants to be alone, all the time.
the conversation is lax and lacking, and worse i "have no direction, no goals"
i have endured two stalkers. but many more "go away" please.
life is good! |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by gnulinuxman Thursday, August 17 @ 19:47:22 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I kinda disagree with the answer given in the article.
Most of my friends are girls. They like my Aspie behavior. My advice would be to try for friendship. It eliminates girls who are looking for a fast boyfriend. Girls also tend to be more honest with friends than with boys who are looking for girlfriends. You want to feel like you're best friends with a girlfriend too--that is THE #1 most important element of any romantic relationship. Just being friends with girls will help you get a girlfriend (and make sure you let female friends know kinda early (but not right away) that you will listen to them about anything (and actually listen to them)--this WILL help you understand women. (Most men don't understand women because men typically DON'T LISTEN to women!)
OK, given the friendship advice, you will find a woman who is romantically attracted to you. Don't move fast: make sure you've been her friend for AT LEAST a month before getting romantic. And take it SLOWLY. Don't force romance--just let it happen. If she's Miss Right, it will happen.
This method isn't foolproof (I got burned by the last girl I tried this with, but she went faster than I wanted to), but it does help. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by nightchild Tuesday, November 14 @ 02:16:11 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I have been married and divorced and what I'm going to say sounds very hard but I wish I had done it. I was determined to have a relationship and get married when I was young, and I tried very hard to fit in and married the first man who asked me. I wasn't diagnosed then but I knew that I was different but I was so determined not to be lonely that I forced myself to be somebody I wasn't. You think that you are very miserable by yourself, but having a relationship with the wrong person is a hundered times worse. I speak from experience.
If you are yourself and do things you are interested in you will meet other people. Don't focus on a romantic relationship, because that will come when you are ready and not before. Just make friends, which is hard enough for us. Concentrate on making yourself happy for yourself and other people will want to be around you.
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by night_flight Thursday, December 13 @ 02:27:15 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | We do what we are conditioned to do. Our formative years are from 0 to 5 or 6 years old, and what we experience in those years will generally govern our lives until we become conciously aware and conciously begin to break the patterns. Aside from being an Aspie, I experienced different forms of abandonment from birth to about age 5. Abandonment can be physical, emotional, mental etc.. So guess what? I subconciously picked partners who were in one form or another unavailable. Being an Aspie in this world may be difficult enough under the best of circumstances, couple that with being undiagnosed for 43 years and add in various traumas to the mix and you've got a great recipe for a long string of broken relationships, frustration, confusion etc.. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by janisjoplin Thursday, April 05 @ 16:03:19 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I have been searching for "what is wrong with me" for almost 50 years. Apparently April is Autism Awareness month, so there have been lots of shows, documentaries, news items on the condition. Many have been specifically on Aspergers Syndrome. I am seeing it everywhere ! Of course I'm also obsessing - the information is blowing me away!!! I am happy, angry as hell and sad for half a century of being an alien. Just a little while ago I found "Wrong Planet". OMG - I have said for as long as I can remember that it wouldn't surprise me if a spaceship came to pick me up and take me "home"! Always "knew" I wasn't human! Anyway ..
I just read littleoctagon's post and GroovyDruid's response... It is the First time in my life I have ever identified so much with another human being. I've not done so much crying for .. ok it probly hasn't been that long .. ms. oversensitive!
You've both given me so much .. and maybe even a little hope that someone out there really is looking for a good woman .. who never shuts up.
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by jdoll Sunday, April 22 @ 00:15:30 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | Awsome advice!!
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by lonelyLady Thursday, September 20 @ 23:15:12 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I agree with one of the previous posters who advised you to start with a friendship first, and also with the woman who said that it is better to be alone than in a miserable relationship. My last relationship was really bad (it was one that started with my ex telling me that he loved me at first sight--a red flag!), and I just find it very difficult to trust men since. Moreover, I don't believe a guy who tells me that he fell in love with me at first sight--I always feel that if he had met me on a different day, when I didn't look very good, he would have never even talked to me. What I do now is that I rarely wear makeup, I do my best to NOT make myself look attractive--I present myself as a nerd to guys and become their friend. They never make a pass at me, which sadly supports my hypothesis that all men care about is how you look. I also have more time to spend on my hobbies and career than I did when I was in a relationship, which is very rewarding. I would recommend that you do the same--focus on your personal life, and try to make friends along the way. The only down side is that you might fall in love with your friend, and she might not love you back. In fact, this is what happened to me. You have no idea how much it hurts to love a man with all your heart and see the utter coldness and indifference in his eyes. But hopefully, things will work out better for you (: I wish you all the best! |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: How Do I Find an Honest Relationship? (Score: 1)
by Ayexby Wednesday, February 06 @ 18:24:41 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | My own experience is this: if I developed a serious interest in a woman, pursuing this interest eventually would lead to a roadblock that I could not cross (like doing anything we both enjoy together). If I was lucky, this roadblock appeared early enough that I could just forget this gal and move on. If I was unlucky, as I have been a couple of times, my mind has become so obsessed with that girl that it is very difficult to just forget her, and I end up writing a bunch of poetry that I put in the closet.
That was all when I was too young to know better. I've since learned that I'm much better off studying robotics and work on building my own woman. In the meantime, while I'm busy building a bot-woman, I happen to meet lots of interesting people who are building their own robots (or whatever). Then we accidentally realize that we share common interests and have each other, so who needs the 'bots? |
|
|
|
|
|
